Welcome to my first thread. Thank you for visiting and let me say how very much I appreciate the community here. You are all very special, each one of you.

My H walked away just over 1 year ago. After a short and very unhappy first marriage in my 20s (1st husband had a violent temper, I left after a few years because I had to, I learned a lot from that experience) I dated a lot in my 20s. There were a few significant long (several year) relationships after that but I waited 25 years to marry again. I learned something and grew from each relationship, like the lyrics of the song “Bless the Broken Road”

“Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.”

When H and I met we both felt incredibly lucky to have found one another at this point in our lives (I was 47 and H was 50 when we met. Neither of us have children.). H had divorced his 1st wife 10 years earlier after 15 years of marriage and a long battle with her anorexia. Afterwards he went on a lot of “meet and greets” and had a few longer relationships, looking for someone to build a life with. My H was the love of my life…….my north star. We met 6 years ago on the 13th of September, bought a house together 1 year later, were married in a symbolic ceremony on a rooftop in Tuscany 3 years ago (Sept thirteenth), and were legally wed by a local judge on the following September thirteenth. The 13th of each month was very special to us. For the first 2 years we were together we exchanged cards on the 13th of every month. We told each other we would be together for the next 40 years, growing old together in the home we had renovated.

H walked out with next to no warning one year ago on the day before our 2 year anniversary. We had been going through a bit of a rough patch and H had become depressed and sullen 6 months earlier. He wanted me to work fewer hours (I DID work too much, about 60 hours/week) but because of the nature of my work I would probably have lost my job if I had cut back to a 40 hour work week. Sad but true. H did not tell me, however, the extent of his unhappiness. Until the bomb I thought we were having a normal power struggle and going through normal adjustments 5 years into our relationship. A month earlier we had scheduled with a MC but H refused to go after the bomb. H gave me no reason for his departure. It wasn’t until 6 months into the separation, when his fog began to clear a bit, that he told me he had left because he felt “abandoned by me” because I worked too much. I know now, based on a conversation we had 7 months post-bomb, that H felt abandoned by his parents as a child. His mother was an alcoholic and his father, who started a family business, worked all the time, it appears at least in part to escape. H and his siblings were “on their own”.

For the first 2 months post-bomb I did the normal post-bomb stuff, trying to appeal to H’s rational side (we had just finished renovating our home, finishing our retirement plans, we had both been around the proverbial block in relationships many, many times and both knew it’s not easy “out there”). H seemed very manic. Within 1-2 weeks he had told all of his friends and employees that we were getting divorced. He moved in with his 81 year old mother. There was no OW for the 1st 10 months after he left, according to two very reliable sources.

Two months post-bomb I found DB and DR. About that time H began to systematically march toward divorce. He filed for divorce just after New Years Day.

In December I was offered a new job, working 35 hr/wk (compared to 60 hr/wk previously) and earning about 70% more. This was truly divine intervention! The first of a handful of miracles in my situation. I work in a VERY specialized field and there are VERY few job opportunities. I told H about the job offer in mid-January. After that it was like a cloud lifted. He became friendlier. At the end of February I decided to leave a career that I had spent 20 years building, in large part to try and save my marriage.

H and I had our 1st and only meeting with the judge mid-February. Judge (a real arse) said “Well, you’ve only been married 1 year. We should be able to finish this really quickly.” My attorney informed H that since he had violated the terms of our prenup I had first option to buy our home. My state is a no-fault divorce state. My attorney told me the divorce could be final within 1 week. I worked to buy time, hoping H would come out of his fog.

After giving notice at my old job, H helped me move out of my office on a chilly March day. That month we spent several winter afternoons and evenings in “our” home negotiating the terms of the D decree. I always dressed very nicely, baked fresh artisan bread (olive loaf ……..a favorite of ours), had a fire in the fireplace, and offered wine. MWD would have been proud of me. After 1 or 2 meetings like this H actually started slicing bread and serving himself! It seemed he was beginning to take baby steps out of the fog…..

I only raised my voice two times during the past year. These were near the end of the negotiations when I said to H one afternoon “You didn’t even try to work on the M!” To this H said “I don’t know why I don’t want to work on the M and I don’t know if I will ever know why I don't want to work on the M.” It was after one of these meetings that H phoned me to say he wouldn’t fight me for our home. The home that held so many wonderful memories for both of us would be mine.

H continued to push for the D decree to be final. I felt like a “caged animal” with H shoving this D down my throat. I felt that I was done with H if he was going to force this on me without so much as even 1 MC session. I proposed that we complete the terms of the D decree but set the final date for the D 6 months into the future, November 7th. With my back against the wall I told H that if he forced the D at that point (April) he would be out of my life forever, because I didn’t want people that I can’t trust in my life. H responded by agreeing to the 6 month delay.

We signed the D decree and I bought the house 1 day before H’s 56th birthday at the end of April. The 6 month clock to the final D began ticking……….After signing, H and I had a lovely dinner together and I gave H some sweet little birthday presents. We hugged.

Two weeks later H came to the house to tell me that he was buying a house in 2 weeks and would be moving his things out 2 weeks later (he had signed the purchase offer 6 weeks earlier). On moving day, I cooked brats and served dinner to the moving crew. We all sat around the patio table chatting. A very friendly evening for everyone.

With the onset of summer and warmer weather my relationship with H continued to warm. We moved into friendship territory in June and have stayed there. It has been very clear since H’s fog began lifting in February that we still care for each other very much. It is truly amazing what DB techniques can accomplish! My friends and family have often said they can’t believe we have gotten to this point from where we were at the bomb. I have tried to move to stage 3 with limited success: we routinely give each other hugs when greeting and departing, H gave me a couple chaste kisses on the lips so I followed suit and initiated a couple chaste kisses of my own. In August I began slyly flirting with H, but minimal response so far.

About a month ago I found out that H had had an 8-9 week relationship with a woman he met through a mutual friend, 10 months after he walked away (began in July). They fought a lot, he criticized her for not being playful enough and not talking enough,…..he was planning to break it off with her but she beat him to it. She dumped him in a 3-4 page e-mail. That was about 1 month ago. My source said H was in a real funk afterward.

About 2 weeks after their break-up (mid-September) was the 1 year anniversary of the bomb and our 3 year wedding anniversary (also my birthday) ----- a real WAS trifecta. frown I flew across country to visit a college friend (platonic male friend but H seemed a bit threatened by that relationship in the past). H texted me on our wedding anniversary, saying he was at the hardware store getting something to make a repair at my house (no mention of anniversary). Two days later, 1 day after my birthday, H left a voice message on my phone saying he was sorry he had forgotten my birthday,….. “It’s not like I didn’t remember it. I remembered it a lot of times. But I don’t know. I can give you a lot of excuses why….a lot of things are in my head right now….” He invited me to dinner to celebrate my birthday.

Since the anniversary of the bomb I have been making myself much less accessible to H (ala Gucci loafer). The final D date is about 5 weeks away and I am beginning to come to terms with what is scheduled to happen that day but I have not given up! Ours was always a very special love …..and we still treat each other with loving kindness and consideration……I have resolved to continue to try turning him around until the D is final.

My birthday dinner is in 2 nights. I need to flirt with him and light up the room so that he can remember why he chose me 6 years ago. I am asking for advice from you men out there and you “flirty girls” to please help me prepare for what could be my last date with H….or the first date of our new relationship. Please send ideas and inspiration!

If you’ve read to the end of this novel I thank you!

All my best wishes to you in your DB-busting endeavors,

GAG