Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[MrBond]

Thanks sandi and cipa.

I had to take a few days off from here to clear my head. Well let's see, as an update.

The thing is that last last Thursday when she dropped the bomb on me that she contacted a L, I had a panic attack at work when it happened. I mean, she sent me an email with "I'm glad you had a good lunch. Oh BTW, I contacted a L so we have to decide how we're going to divide the kids and the house." Just like that.

I mean it started up nice and innocent, and then blindsided me with the L talk. After I read that, I felt my body temp just drop and I started blacking out. If anyone has ever seen the Sopranos when Tony has his panic attacks, that's how it was.

I managed to make it to my car and that night we had the talk that I detailed in my last post prior to this one.

Well since that time, I've been triggering like a mother. I mean, I go to work and I get the shakes. I feel my heartbeat racing and I actually get anxious before she comes home. On top of that, she's started to totally ignore me and talking to me through the kids. WTF?

So, this morning I ask her if she's mad at me and she says 'no.' I tell her how she's been treating me and she tells me she does it intentionally as she has nothing to talk to me about. i said even if we D, I can't co-parent with her if she can't even be polite. She said she didn't realize she was talking to me through the kids. No apology.

So it went downhill from there. She said again how she just wants out because she has no feelings for me and I told her that was no excuse for not respecting me. Then I told her I would file on the grounds of D and drag her OM and best friend to court to back me up. I was on a roll! Then she started to get into her condescending attitude and I left to go to work.

During the drive over, I started feeling bad, so when I got to the office, I left her a message apologizing for how the talk went this morning. I called her again an hour later and asked if she received the message. She said she didn't, so I apologized to her directly. She also apologized and we kidded around for a little bit then ended it.

I think it would have been much easier if she was gone. I have to admit I let my guard down in terms of detaching since things were going fairly well between us. Then 3 weeks ago, it's as if something switched back in her and she became a b*tch. it was when I saw the gradual downturn of the R that I spoke up. then of course it made her want out even more.

I don't get it. She doesn't go out or live out her fantasy like most of the WASs here do. She just seems to really believe that she's miserable because of me and that she has no feelings for me and so wants out. Craziness.

So aside from me continuing with the GAL and detaching, anyone else with any suggestions? I know now that even if I had another woman, she wouldn't care because she has no feelings for me.

[MrBond]

Oh and thanks for the prayers everyone. They are always greatly appreciated.

[aliveandkicking]

I know now that even if I had another woman, she wouldn't care because she has no feelings for me.

Not true. And I still think she is depressed. Nothing you can do but take care of you. I'm sorry.

[MrBond]

Thanks AAK.

It seems like both you and I have had major backslides recently. They totally suck!

[aliveandkicking]

Actually, my friend, I don't see it as backslides. I see it as much needed action and at least in my case illumination. As bad as it feels, hitting your head against a brick wall over and over hurts more. Maybe if you look at it that way, you can handle it more easily and you can change your name from "Stuck" to "Forward Motion"...

[confusedinpa]

Stuck

I can totally relate to the physical impacts of such a shock. Unfortunately, I know many people here can attest to the same.

I think what everyone here, my friends and my therapist really beat into me that helped was to stop trying to fix the "relationship/marriage" problem. Focus on what you can control, yourself.

I know it took me a loooong time to understand that. I had tried to fake it (i.e. working out, going out with friends, etc.) but my mind would always be racing on what can I do to attract her back.

My therapist reminded me of what others had posted here as well - the person who cares about the relationship the least has the most power.

It really seems counter-intuitive to take that approach but I think over the last several weeks, my WAW sees that I've really stopped caring about the relationship nor am working on it. I've really been focusing on me and my own life - not just my life with my boys.

So stop trying to fix the problem. Nothing you say will convince her. She will have to change her own mind. Now you have to work on you.

Sound familiar? These are the things you have been harping on my threads since Jan!

You do need to talk to someone to handle the stress. If you have a therapist, use them. If not use your friends. If you can't FB me and I'll talk with ya. You've always been there for me, as well as many others here. It's time for us to return the favor.

Just remember Coach's phrase - You can handle it!

Be the enlightened man!

[aliveandkicking]

Stuck, you do have all of the tools to handle this. The physical and emotional pain sucks but the fear of it is worse. I have hoped for you that you could become unstuck...and you will. Again, I'm sorry it is so hard. I and others are right here with you.

[sandi2]

Oh sweetie......it is times like this that I wished I did not care as much for you and could clobber you up beside the head. You know, like I do CIPA?

The truth is that I may sound like I'm trying to be funny, but I am sitting here bawling as if my own son had told me that his W wanted to leave him. I can't believe she doesn't love you! She may have herself convinced right now, but I am not convinced by a long shot!

You know what you would say to another man who wrote the same words that you have written. However, I won't be quite that rough on you! It broke my heart to picture you in so much pain that you were having a panic attack. I want to shake some sense into that girl and tell her how blessed she is to have a man who loves her that much. Stuck, I am going to share something with you that I wasn't going to tell anybody, but for some reason I feel impressed to tell you what happened to me today. The OM I had an EA with called me at my workplace. Right out of the blue.....he called after all this time without me making contact with him. I couldn't say much b/c of others sitting near by and I sure didn't want them to know anything of my past actions. I was so startled that I could hardly say a word after he told me who it was. Imagine, I didn't even recognize his voice! So, I said a few words and hung up. When I got home, I emailed him to tell him that I "still" loved my H and there was no future between he (OM) and I. I debated if I should or not, but I can't have him calling my place of work. Anyway, I suppose the reason I decided to tell you this is b/c of something I told the OM. I told him that I loved my H and that the person he (OM) knew was not who I really am. I told him that I lost myself for a while but I was back on track. Then I told him goodbye. You see, sweetie, I think your W is "lost" and I am not trying to give you a bunch of BS here.....b/c it happened to me, Stuck....and I really was the very last person on earth I would every suspected of doing what I did. I thought back to that time and still can't believe it. At that time, I thought there was no way I could ever love my H again. But, I did, Stuck. I did. It is true that the feelings can return for a woman. I know that it is your W that I should be talking to instead of you, but ......

I hope you believe what I am trying so hard to get you to see. Please stop doing what you are doing to yourself......and to your M by trying to make her feel love for you. I don't think she's in the right frame of mind to do that. I could talk for a long time regarding the issue, but I've already told you all of this in the past. I believe part of it has to do with her fantasy with OM and "what might have been". I believe part of it has to do with her hormones.....(and I know you don't want to hear that, but I still think it does b/c of how my own affected me).

I feel that this is something that only time, God, and your W is going to have to work out together. You've done all that you can......except for one thing. Ater that, the rest is up to you, but we both know what it is you must do.

You may think that there is no use to continue coming here to the board, but I for one would be very sad to see that happen. Please don't forsake us and let us know how you are doing. You know, you told people right about DBing! Just b/c your W has not woke up yet, doesn't mean you didn't do what was right.

I pray for you, sweetie, and if I thought this was good-bye, I would cry for a month......so please let me hear from you again.

Sandi

[wanttobebetter]

I am praying for you as well stuck. A lot of similarities with us....

I always look forward to what Sandi posts...she has some of the best woman insight there is.

[MrBond]

Thanks everyone for the well wishes. Trust me. I'm not going anywhere. I got lazy in my DBing and got sucked into the hurricane of confusion that my W is in. I'll address everyone individually shortly. Thanks again for the support.