As for the above = does this work with the men too? I found that the farther away I got from my H, the more he moved away too.
Oh, absolutely! That is why DB teaches detaching. So many do not understand detaching, but that is the concept behind in. Most people want what they think they can't have. If your spouse thinks you are unavailable and they can't have you so easily.....then that gets their attention on you and off the OP.
One thing I want to clear about the "nice guy". Seems like I've been talking about this on different threads lately, but being a nice guy is not what I'm referring to as the opposite of being a cad. In other words, so many LBH's say that they can't allow their WAW to suffer the consequenses of her actions b/c he is a "nice guy". So, she continues to walk all over him! She doesn't want a nice guy....she wants a man who will stand up to her and call her on her BS. She wants a man who will not put up with her acting like a b*tch. If a H puts up with her b/c he's a "nice guy"....then she will wipe her feet all over him and she will not respect him. Many times a WAW turns to OM who is a scum ball and it just blows the mind of her nice guy H. Well, if he continues to be a nice guy about it, then she'll continue to pursue her A. He needs to stop thinking of himself as a nice guy and toughen up!! The same applies for women, only I call it "spunk" for women. They need to have spunk and stop putting up with cr@p from their WAH's.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
One thing I want to clear about the "nice guy". Seems like I've been talking about this on different threads lately, but being a nice guy is not what I'm referring to as the opposite of being a cad. In other words, so many LBH's say that they can't allow their WAW to suffer the consequenses of her actions b/c he is a "nice guy". So, she continues to walk all over him! She doesn't want a nice guy....she wants a man who will stand up to her and call her on her BS. She wants a man who will not put up with her acting like a b*tch. If a H puts up with her b/c he's a "nice guy"....then she will wipe her feet all over him and she will not respect him.
Sandi,
Your post above got me thinking that I should clarify what I said previously about the "nice guy" approach. Anyone following my sitch can see that I was probably a little too much of an "understanding" type of nice guy with my W for far too long before I put my boot down. What I'm largely doing now is being reserved, neutral, firm and polite to my W in the few interactions we are having at the moment. In other words, what I am NOT doing is being rude, hostile or demonstrating any kind of "attitude" towards my W. So from that standpoint- and given the history of what has transpired in my sitch- I still consider myself to some degree as being a "nice guy", but just one who isn't taking any $h*t from my W anymore.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
I agree it's important to specify between being a nice guy/gal and a doormat. We want to be mature, respectful, and decent, but we don't want to be giving the idea to the WAS that we will put up with anything and everything to have them back. It's a delicate line to walk, but an important one I think. It goes along with detachment. Being able to not react to them and say and do things that aren't in our own best interest or aligned with our integrity, but also not to be a cold and withdrawn jerk.
It takes a lot of courage to continue to stand with pride and be respectful when the WAS often isn't. It's also important to be able to walk away and say enough is enough - still with dignity, not vengance or neediness.
I agree it's important to specify between being a nice guy/gal and a doormat. We want to be mature, respectful, and decent, but we don't want to be giving the idea to the WAS that we will put up with anything and everything to have them back. It's a delicate line to walk, but an important one I think. It goes along with detachment. Being able to not react to them and say and do things that aren't in our own best interest or aligned with our integrity, but also not to be a cold and withdrawn jerk.
It takes a lot of courage to continue to stand with pride and be respectful when the WAS often isn't. It's also important to be able to walk away and say enough is enough - still with dignity, not vengance or neediness.
Hope,
I agree with you completely regarding the above. Thank you!
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
