New here, this is my story...

[sandi2]

I think that most people probably have done something in the past that they are not proud of. My greatest shame is that I had an EA. I am M to a man who is good and kind and loves me more than any person could.....and I cheated on him. Do you know that I type these words and it seems like a terrible bad dream? Surely that must have been another woman....it just could not have been me! It grieves my heart to know that I brought so much pain to him, but I also know that I could cry every moment from now to the day I die and it would not change the facts. With that said, I think that you have to remind yourself on a daily (maybe hourly) bases that you cannot change history regardless of how much you wish you could get a "redo".....and you cannot change what your facts are as they stand today.....but you can influence what can be your future.

I have not been in your shoes, so I won't say that I know how you feel, but I do know how it feels to not be able to get out of bed and face the day b/c life is too hard. I do know how horrible it is to see the shock and disappointment on the faces of loved one when they discover the person that thought they knew.....turns out to be a completely different person in the end. A fake! A fruad! A hypocrite! Most of all, I know what it feels like to think less of yourself than what anyone else could possibly think of you.

I don't know if your C has talked to you about forgiving yourself, but he/she probably has. I know it was probably the hardest thing I ever did.....and sometimes I think maybe I've not done that yet. But, I have people in my life who I feel are "worth" me becoming a better person.....and in order for me to become better, I have to begin with forgiveness. So.....I try to do that--and move forward. No, I don't feel that I deserve forgiveness, but if the Lord can do it, who am I to think differently? I know what I have to do in order to give "better" to my family.

Whether or not you would still be into the swinging and the porn addiction if your W had stayed with you, may be something you'll never know. However, the facts are that you see this as a destructive lifestype and it has robbed you of the love you want & deserve. You are ready to whip this addiction and take power over your life. Sounds good, doesn't it? Yes, but hard to do when you get down to the nitty gritty work. We have to keep reminding ourselves of the "goal" ahead, right? I'm sure your C has talked to you about setting achievable goals, but you mainly want to become a man you like and feel good about. You hope that you'll get your W back.....and that will be a "bonus" if it happens. Right now, you are in so much pain that you can only think about her and how much you miss her. You would like to wake up and discover this has all been a nightmare. That brings us back to "facts" again. So, I want to encourage you to stay focused on "today" and what you can control today. Try not to worry about tomorrow. Just as with any addiction, I believe we have to take each day as it comes and do our best to use our self-control in everything we do. For some, they are trying to get from one hour to the next. I believe in dreaming of a wonderful future, but today is filled with "facts" for us to actually deal with. That is the only part of "time" that we have any control over.

I think so much of a man who will do what you are undertaking to do! You may feel that your W doesn't have any feelings for you, but when she realizes what you've accomplished, she will respect you. She has to have that level of respect before she will begin to love you again. I know that those feelings "can" return to a woman who thinks they are gone forever. I want you to hang onto that and believe that your work is not in vain.

If nobody ever loved you again for the rest of your life, just to feel good about yourself would be worth what you are going though to break this addiction, wouldn't it? I hope it would, even though you want your W back so badly. What I'm trying to say is to learn to like yourself before you grieve to death over your W not feeling like she once did. If you believe in God, then trust Him to help you, heal you, and give your W a new heart of love for you. It won't happen overnight, and probably won't be anytime real soon.....but it can happen if you'll not give up.

Please keep coming here to post about your feelings. It does help. You don't sound like everybody else to me b/c nobody's pain is like our own pain.....and that makes us unique. What you feel and what is happening in your life is important. There are so many great people here and want to support you. I hope you will stick with us--and your goals until you see a change in your life.