It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

Hold on to this thought. Her life may not be as great as you imagine. On the weekends, I keep thinking about how much fun she "must" be having. Yet, I struggle with the weekends, so perhaps she is too. I mean, my social network is much larger than hers. In DBing, we're told to always put on a happy face. She may be doing that too.

I've seen the pictures. She's hanging out with all her old friends from when she was a kid. She went to a concert Sat.

It's hard and I'm having trouble with it, but try to stop thinking about her and concentrate on you. Easier said than done. The job thing is major. Are there any possibilities there?

No. And that's my own fault. She was the bread-winner for the last year and that's one of the big issues. Which is why I'm desperate to find one as soon as possible. I don't even care what it is any more.

In my case, today I was crumbling a bit inside with bitterness -- sitting at home does that -- when I thought that for 40 years I've pretty much been the one who loved half-heartedly while everyone else competed for my attention.

That started in child hood, continued in my teen years and then with my W. Her family was eager to take my into theirs, but I resisted and pushed them away. If I could do ONE thing different, it would be that.

Sounds very similar to my story, actually. I wish I had been closer to the people she loves. She has a strained relationship with her father, but he's changed since she was a kid and so far he's been the most supportive of our marriage.

And this is from someone who was very skeptical of organized religion before this happened.

W and I are both atheists. I only mention it because it was a bonding thing early on and has been throughout our M. It set us apart from a lot of our friends and relatives. We share a lot of beliefs to the extent that I sometimes doubt I'll ever find anyone that in tune with me again.

Thanks for advice. It helps. I don't know what she's thinking. The mantra of "believe nothing she says and half of what she does" is some help in that she's in a weird place that only seems to resemble the woman I love so much. I sometimes wonder who replaced her and could I love this new version. Is my W gone? Is she hiding under this strange MLC fog?

Not that I'm looking to repeat the past or that I want a doormat for a wife (she was a bit of one). I like the assertive, fun part of her. But she seems more concerned with using fun and reliving the past to cover up any guilt or sadness over her cutting me out of her life and my pain. She's a mom with a full-time over-night job. She has some health problems and insomnia. She's going to crack and it may be bad for me or it may be good for me.

Sorry... got off on a rant! lol!

Anyway, thanks again. It helps to hear from people who are going through the same things. I feel less alone.