It's too hard sometimes

[ClingingToHope]

I know I'm whining a lot but I'm struggling day to day. Lots of self-help books, no job, no money. I wouldn't have done this to her. Not this way. I get all the principles but sometimes they aren't much help.

The no job thing is a double blow. At least I can go to work every day to take my mind off things.

Hold on to this thought. Her life may not be as great as you imagine. On the weekends, I keep thinking about how much fun she "must" be having. Yet, I struggle with the weekends, so perhaps she is too. I mean, my social network is much larger than hers. In DBing, we're told to always put on a happy face. She may be doing that too.

It's hard and I'm having trouble with it, but try to stop thinking about her and concentrate on you. Easier said than done. The job thing is major. Are there any possibilities there?

In my case, today I was crumbling a bit inside with bitterness -- sitting at home does that -- when I thought that for 40 years I've pretty much been the one who loved half-heartedly while everyone else competed for my attention.

That started in child hood, continued in my teen years and then with my W. Her family was eager to take my into theirs, but I resisted and pushed them away. If I could do ONE thing different, it would be that.

Now, I'm loving whole-heartedly someone who doesn't want my attention. Without my W knowing, I apologized to her mom about how I've acted. I even broke down and cried -- the emotion just poured out.

I see this as God's way of stripping someone down who has been too prideful in life. It's his test to see how I come out of it. And this is from someone who was very skeptical of organized religion before this happened.

Will I be like my father and crumble, turn to drinking, turn his back on his kids and live in anger. Or will I become a more patient, thoughtful, giving person who does his best even when there's nothing in it for him anymore.

As hard as it will be, I hope I take the second path. And in the end, maybe this year, next year or in five years, if my W doesn't want me, someone else will and my daughters will still be proud of me.