Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Home with sick daughter today, which gave me lots of time to think. And my thoughts weren't good. I basically married an unhappy person. That's part of the reason I was attracted to her. I thought I could make her happy.

But then life progressed in an intersting way.

We got married, she thought that would make her happy.

When she got in her current job she hated it, she wanted to get into management. That would make her happy.

Having kids would make her happy.

We were living in an apartment and she really wanted a house. That would make her happy.

We lived next door to my mother. When she died, the W needed to move to make her happy. So we bought a much larger house that my mom used to own.

She got promoted three times in four years at work. Each time she was excited but soon was eyeing another job. Now, she's been in the same position for six years. If she could just get promoted, that would make her happy.

The youngest daughter struggled in school and was diagnosed with ADHD, if we could just figure out to deal with her, that would make her happy.

Her old friends all kind of drifted off and she was told by management that she shouldn't be hanging out with her work friends. So if she could just find a hobby, that would make her happy.

After each child was born, she worked her way back down to a size 2 because being in shape would make her happy.

Now, she's a size 14 because that will make her happy.

She bought a dog three years ago because she had one growing up. That would make her happy.

So now I'm caught up in the wash. Each of these things in the end did not make her happy. Me, I always did my level best to make these things happen for her because I believed as well that these things would make her happy.

When they happened and she still wasn't happy, it'd throw me in a funk as well.

And she's still searching. She thinks life without me will make her happy.

So far, from what I can see, her stress level is the same even though I'm not there and both daughters are thriving in school.

The next culprit is going to be the house she wanted 12 years ago. It's too big for her to take of on her own, if she could just sell it, then that will make her happy.

Unfortunately, we owe more than it's worth because of a flood in 2007 and there's no way it'll sell until late next year.

That works against me because even after she sells, it'll be something else. The D10 is heading is closing in on the troublesome teen years and I already can hear it in my head, once D10 gets out of high school, that will make her happy.

One thing I have going for me is that I'm comfortable in my own skin. Sure, my situation is no fun now, but about five years ago I really learned that I have a pretty good life.

I have a good job that pays well, not great, but well and it's a fun job where I can come and go as I please.

I have two wonderful daughters who love me and look up to me. They have issues, but it wouldn't be fun if they were perfect.

I have -- or had -- an aging but functional house in a great neighborhood. Now, I have a very nice apartment nearby with nice neighbors and the daughters already feel at home.

I'm closer than ever to several friends and family members.

I know in the end I will survive. Life is good.

So what does this mean for us. I can work as hard as possible on myself -- and I will, I'm not going to give up -- but until she realizes her life is basically good and accepts that this is what God chose for her, she will never turn back to me, she'll continue to search for the magic potion that will make it all better.

It's going to be painful to watch.