Start of the end..

[25yearsmlc]

The only thing clear for me for sure, is that you love your d, and your stbxw is noticing lots more than you thought she was. So keep up the mystery and GAL as much as possible. I wrote to someone else what I thought it took to get through all this and so, I'm pasting it here.

Don't know where you are emotionally today, but take what you can from my words and leave the rest. I think detaching and fearing it, DOES make sense to me in that you fear you won't care anymore and you want to still care. But reconciliation can happen even if you actually divorce and move on....if you remain civil to each other and improve as people and co-parent...who knows? I have 2 relatives who div and remarried their exes and both couples said the 2nd time around was better.

But if your w continues to be selfish it is natural and healthy for you to feel differently about her. Frankly, if she doesn't love you back, or treat you right, I think it's UNhealthy to pretend things are the same and to go on "loving her unconditionally"...you can love who she was and what she did for you --mother to your kids and the good times you did have--but if she's "gone"...then she's gone.....if she comes back, then we'll see.

Here goes and good luck,
What Worked For Me

I think it's so important that we say something about our stories and what we think helped the most for our m's to reconcile and last.

As my signature says, I consider my M restored and finally can say "D busted". Not perfectly fine by a long shot, but we are closer than we've been in a decade and I think we're on our way to having what we once had, a really good M.

If you had asked me 3 years ago, or 2, I would not have said we'd be married today. I'd have given us a 10% chance of staying M.

After piecing for nearly 2 years, we attended Retrovaille, Not b/c we thought we were failing at the piecing so much as wanting to be "done" with it, if you know what I mean. Even though no M is ever "done" and we are always works in progress, we needed a boost. And so when we attended Retrovaille, we found that we were able to reconnect more fully without the past looming over so much. It helped us a lot. Gave us the boost to the finish line, so to speak. But getting to the point where you can even consider going to Retrovaille was the real struggle.

But the main thing that turned my situation around in the first place and that would enable us to go to Retrovaille, was my own DBing. Detaching, GAL, etc
Letting go, focusing on positives in each other, helped us get back together - keeping that up and then choosing forgiveness is what enabled us to stay together. Neither of these was or is easy. I didn't know how.

When H actually left us for a JOB ('adventure") up in the wilds of Alaska... (crazy as it sounds, it was what it was, even though it's not how he saw it then). For me may as well have called "Alaska" "Alicia" or OW...b/c that's how it felt....but anyhow, he left.

When he was contemplating it, I did the pleading and arguing and if I say so myself, I had a compelling argument that I think would have won a case in front of the Supreme Court. But to H, it was all for naught. He could not hear me. Or he would not. Doesn't matter. He didn't/couldn't hear so... whatever.

I let him go. To put it bluntly, what choice does the LBSer really have when a spouse wants to go? Hard as it is to admit...we really don't have any choice except how we'll treat their departure. They leave, and then we react. At some point, our lives have to be about our actions, not our reactions.
All we control is us.
That was it for me. I got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and did not want my kids to see a bitter or sad woman all the time. I did not want to be a model for victimhood OR revenge.

So I began to see H's departure as mainly a loss for him, less so for me and the kids. We had each other, after all. (And if he had taken the kids as some WAWs are able to do, I'd have made sure I got half time with my kids. And I'd fill it with good full living). I felt that at some point, whether H was lonely or not, I would not be lonely. I would fill my life with real living, and not waiting. And so I began to GAL. I started making choices I wanted to make without regard to H's career or feelings b/c after all, he was gone. It started small, with things like seeing chick flicks b/c H was not around so who cares if he'd like the movie? Not about him, not at all. No more toilet seat left up either...(hey I said start small...)

I saw some positives from this separation for the first time. I really started to embrace those positives. (H noticed this, although I did not know it at the time). For our anniversary I knew I didn't want to be alone so I chose to take a trip with the kids that I would have preferred to go on with H but alas, since he was not available, we had to go without him. Just before departure he said he wanted to go but it was too late for that. Honestly. So off I went with our children. And we had a blast (We went to Italy, but any wished for trip would have helped me accomplish the same thing; enjoying life as a family even when one member isn't around. We had been in the military and knew lots of families who had fun together even when a member is away....we can all do this and must.)

Unbeknownst to me, h noticed this and ached for our company. While we were learning and seeing so much in a totally new place, I didn't think much of h b/c there were no reminders of him, and it was so stimulating, as new places and new activities are. (Hence the suggestion to go on a trip if it is at all possible). It was very healing for us. I did not do this for attention from H and in fact would have preferred he not know of the trip and resent it. (Which I think he did, but that was not my problem....) I took the trip b/c I had longed to go there for years and had put it off until h was ready...well, no matter now! I was ready and I went with some of my fav people; our children.

I think you get the point. There comes a time when you decide you have to LIVE NOW, and you can't keep waiting and checking on the WAS or taking their temperature, or wondering what it might be. You have to let them go. Sometimes they come back and then you have the real work to do. I think the chances of their return increase when you let go and I feel that strongly.

But paradoxically, you have to really let them go for this to work and you have to NOT care if they come back, in order for this to work.

So it ends up that you let them go so you can be happy without them and then either 1) they do not come back and you'll have GAL and moved along into your future that much faster, OR 2) they will come back b/c you let them go.

This is why I cannot understand the long term pursuit of a WAS by an LBSer. It does not work. I do get why it happens at first; we all do it. We argue and plead and whine and nag and cajole and yell and explain and talk and talk and talk....

Then if we are lucky, we find DB. If we find DB, we may start to think, "what I was doing isn't really working, is it? So maybe I should try something else", and we begin the 180's - that mainly consist of GAL for us. No more excuses, no more waiting or praying for patience but really just waiting, and no more just hoping and NOT changing ourselves or taking charge of our lives b/c no one else will take charge of it! Also saw that I was a fun person, still attractive and still smart and funny, and in sum, I was/am a good catch. I began to picture my life as a single woman in a positive light. Hard at first but I knew widows who were eventually happy, so why not me? Always projected upbeat attitude around H and saw his departure as a mistake on his end but kept it to myself, and accepted it as a mistake he seemed destined to make so I looked at it with resignation but fortitude, knowing I would be fine no matter what his sitch was.

And when I pictured my life without him but made sure to picture it happy, the more detailed the picture, the better I felt. Me happily pursuing my career goals, spending time with my children and my friends and family and meeting new people and having a good life on my own. Doing new activites became a real goal of mine. I became happy again. Tell you the truth, there were down sides to being married that I had to weigh when H wanted us to reconcile. So we have improved those things and continue to work on them.

No more victim stuff, no more "making sure WAS knows how much pain I'm in b/c otherwise their guilt might not make them come back" and being blind to the fact that pity is not attractive, and will never get a WAS to come back and stay. Ever..... It just won't. If it did, it would only take a week for it to work.

And Being attractive/attracting, is a byproduct of GAL and true Detachment....letting go and not wearing our "purple heart" for our wounds, on our sleeves. Not making sure our WAS's know good and well what pain they've inflicted...and how much guilt is on them....why? B/C it does not work!
Decide if you want to be "right" or you want to be happy. Too many LBSers, (and I was one of them) do not know how to forgive someone. I never saw it growing up. But those who quote scripture to get their WAS back rarely succeed and as I said, guilt won't get them to stay...even if it temporarily gets them back. Frankly it seems to send most of them running faster and farther away. And in the end, if you want them to come back b/c they're healthy and want to restore the M in a full way, the guilt has to go. Is it "just"? Who knows? Is forgiveness fair? I mean it IS essential to the well being of a marriage but I see a lot of LBSers who hold onto their resentment for a long time and then they wonder why the piecing did not work. At Retrovaille my h suddenly cried about the pain he inflicted on us and the damage to the "Rs he has with our d's and I cried for him. But when I told a gf of mine this small story she asked me if I "reminded him of all the hurt he had caused" and I was agape. She didn't "get it". She thought I should rub salt in his wounds and I can only wonder how many LBSers are like that. Good God, what is the goal? If it's suffering you want the WAS to feel, then sue them for div and take them to the cleaners...but if you want a happy m, then let your pain go. You are the one holding onto it ( I'm not directing this at you personally, hope that's clear....)

Anyhow, I thought I'd post this so that people know there are couples who make it - Even through this DB experience. (See BrandNewDay, faithfulH, sandi2 and saffie (or safflie sp?) as well for they also reconciled.
Hope this helps.

j-