I want my family back!

[Stronger]

I do think his lawyer told him some things to make him want to drop lawyers on both sides including the cost of the lawyers. Make sure you ask for lawyers fees. Did you claim marital misconduct? I believe his lawyer probably did say "You can win this" to him but probably also warned the marital misconduct could cost him if you chose to go that route.

[Calliope]

Hi Stronger. The cost of the lawyer(s) is absolutely a factor. He must have said 5 times that he doesn't have the money for his lawyer. Neither do I, but its worth it to me! (and yes, my atty did ask for lawyers fees). I didn't claim misconduct, but one of the documents that his lawyer sent me (a huge disclosure form that had to be 30 pages) asked questions about misconduct, so it's possible that it will come up through the process. He knows that, and has said on numerous occasions that I couldn't prove it. I guess he'd have to decide if he wants to lie on his disclosure and in court. He's also technically still married to me, and living with her, so I guess still committing adultery as we speak?

Burt, according to him, the affair started right after he told me that he wanted out of the marriage (late may). (so according to him, he did nothing wrong until he told me it was over.. yeah right!).. I know it was at least an EA for many months before that (probably a PA then too). He was away for the entire month of April for the military, and he told me that he missed her more than he missed me while he was gone, and thats how he knew it was over.

[Calliope]

He just called (usually does when he's on his way to get the boys from daycare). Its so hard going dark/dim when it seems there are so many things to discuss. He told me what his plans were for the boys tonight. He asked about something he got in the mail from my atty. He asked about house stuff. Asked how the dog was (had to bring him to the vet today for an infection). Talked about the lawnmower. Saturday when he came over and we had our argument, he bitched and moaned that it was going to cost him $250 for a new battery, and today I told him it costs $64. I said "not sure where you got the 250 figure from." and he said "oh, I was just mad, so I said that" He told me that he called his lawyer and left a message, that he's definitely firing him and representing himself.

I hate that we 'talked' so much. At least I was the first to get off the phone, seems that he would have kept talking. I also never asked him anything.. Just kept answering his questions. I wouldnt have even answered (I missed a call from him earlier today and never called back) but I always like to answer around this time in case he has the boys with him.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Call.,

Most of that communication wasn't necessary, and your instincts are telling you the right thing (go dimmer). Have you thought about telling him that you would prefer to communicate via e-mail or text messages only, and only about the kids and URGENT household financial matters?

Others on the boards have done this very successfully, and they report that it really helps them detach.

Puppy

[Calliope]

Thanks puppy. You are soooo right. I had previously purposely missed calls and then just texted to see what he needed. Should have done that today. I'll think about requesting that he not call.

[dburt]

You did great, going dim/dark does not mean that you do not talk to him when HE calls, just dont be the one to call or contact and be nice, funny, and busy! Great job on being the one to let him go first.

Doing great,

Burt

[breakaway]

Thank you both. Makes me feel better about my weekend. I felt so flustered about the whole thing and felt that I did horribly. I do need to throw in my 'I'm sorry you feel that way' especially when he starts to blame me for the marriage failing. Otherwise we get into the same battle as always.

Another thing to consider, when he's spewing about it being your fault is to just say well, it doesn't really matter anymore.

He wants to keep the fight going and justify what he's doing...but if he's going for the divorce, because HE'S DONE (his words) then what difference does it make whose fault it is... (I mean, you could take this attitude with him.)

Maybe that would take the wind out of his sails.

[Calliope]

ok, so he dropped of the boys last night at 8. We always agreed that he'd have them till 8, but he used to have them at our house, and have them ready for bed by the time I got home. Now, he takes them to her house, and drives in the driveway at 8. It is really messing with their schedule, and its important to me to have them asleep by 8:30 so we have a good morning. Instead, they were so wound up that they didnt get to sleep until 10. So, while I was angry even thinking about it before they got home. I decided that I would say nothing, but then put it in an email, respectfully requesting a change in schedule. (either he does the bedtime routine with them and gets them in their beds by 8, or if he's not willing to do that, he can drop them off at 7:15 so that I can get them ready for bed.) It sucks for me, because this is the only free time that I have during the week (he picks them from daycare on Tues and Thurs..and I get out of work at 5). But its really important for the kids to stay with a routine. So I didn't bring it up, just started getting the boys ready for bed as soon as they got in. H said "I was hoping they'd fall asleep on the way". At one point, I did make a comment that my S was dirty and really needed a bath, and he said "I was wondering if I should give them a bath before I left" So I decided that if he was bringing it up, I'd say something. I just said, I'd really like to make some changes to the schedule if you arent going to get them ready for bed here like you used to. I know you've always had them till 8, but it was different when you had them here. He snapped back, "right, but now I take them to MY place". (her place). I stayed calm, and said, ok, we'll come up with something. He then again asked me about my medical stuff, and if I had my appt yet. I said no, and walked away to brush the boys teeth. He was saying bye to the boys, and I was giving him the cold shoulder (this is my problem, I have a hard time being happy around him, and I know I shouldnt show him my negative feelings.. .working on that!).. As he was leaving he said something about how he has drill next weekend and can't take the boys, and I said I know, and that he has the wedding in ohio 2 weeks later. His family lives there, and I told him a while ago that he should bring our 4yo with him, so he could see his grandparents. So last night I said 'I assume you arent taking S with you to ohio?" and he said no, I'm driving, and its goign to be a quick trip because we have court that monday. I said "no we don't". And he said "yes we do, thats the case management date, thats the divorce date" Well, thats is the case managemnet date thats on our forms, and that does mean that if everything is resolved, it could be final on that date, but when I saw my lawyer she said there is no way it would be final on that day. So I am not sure if we have to go to court that day, but H really thought it would be final then! I said "I'm not talking about this now" and he actually said "yes we are!" I said "No I'm not" and he was soooo flustered. That's obviously why he is so stressed about getting things resolved and giving in to things. He's under so much pressure. I cannot wait for all that pressure to build and for their relationship to explode!!

[Calliope]

I probably shouldn't have even responded to the 'we have court on that monday' comment, right?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think some sort of generic "I guess we'll let the lawyers sort all that out" dodge would have been better, but you handled everything very well I thought.

Puppy