WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

You may have started out in life at a disadvantage of not having a father at home, but in the long run of things.....it had a big part (I believe) in making you the great dad you are with your boys.

I know this was actually an issue with my boys' mother. My close friends who I had leaned on through this ordeal would tell me how frustrated they would be when she would complain to them about how I was with my boys. None of them understood it. I do understand, not that I agree, that she was resentful how much of my attention they had and she felt like she fell off the radar.

I do believe that is the heart of the issue which lead her down this path of cheating, lying and divorce. She was hurt that she was ignored and didn't feel like there was anyway to improve the situation other than out. That I do actually feel sad/pity for her. Not that it excuses anything that she had done, but I do empathize on how hurt she must have felt.

At times, I feel like I'm at the same cross roads. I was hurt deeply by what she had done to me and I continue to get hurt by the pain I see in my boys. So am I at the point where I feel the only way to escape the hurt is to move on? I don't know if I have the strength to keep trying, but right now, she hasn't made any move to do so, so the point may be irrelevant. That doesn't mean that I would if she did, but I'm not waiting to find out. I really have reached a point mentally and emotionally where I know I need to continue to move on with my life. I've put it on hold long enough waiting and trying.

Interesting enough, during one of the emotional "discussions" we had before she moved out, she had said that she had seen how much I've changed and am doing/saying all the things she had needed over the past years of her hurt. She just said it's too late, but got all upset that someone else is going to get to "enjoy" it instead. Back then I would "plead" with her to just try but she wouldn't. Now I truly feel that if she see's it and chooses to walk away from it, that's her cross to bear, not mine. She will have the regrets if someone else "enjoys" it.

So, if she ever does look through the door, I may not be standing there anymore. That will be her loss. That much I do know.

Thanks again for being "mom" :-)