I think there is one more part to this message: tough love.
"I don't know if we will ever be a couple again, but if you even want to think about trying again you have to break off ALL contact with OW first"
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You're doing great!
Thanks Thinker but in my sitch, there is simply no ground for that ultimatum. I have the information. I have to choose what works for me. There is no marriage, there will be no transparency. He lives elsewhere and I don't trust him and I don't even want to be in the role of enforcing.
The only ultimatum I will consider is that he come to MC with me or we do not communicate beyond kids/money/logistics...I am thinking about it.
I don't even know if he is capable of monogamy and really it isn't even my first concern. His pathology is the biggest issue right now.
...but...
He is making moves toward reconciliation. At least is is trying to get closer to you - asking you out, etc.
So I don't mean enforcement, or transparency, etc. I am picturing something more like:
H: There's a great show here, do you want to go? (or "can I come over" or "do you want to go to this party" or. )
A&K: Are you still seeing OW?
H: Uhhh, Yes.
A&K: Then, No.
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It's more of a way of saying "I am fine and happy and moving on without you. I'm not going to compete with her in any way. If you want to court me, then end it with her first"
It's the only way you can be clear whether he is playing you and keeping his options open, or whether he is sincere when he makes moves toward you. It's the only way that you can be sure he faces his own issues and mistakes.
If I am hearing you correctly, the only way you would consider reconciling is if he is sincere, faces his issues, and corrects his mistakes.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
