Returning from the land of excuses...

[LolaL]

RR, well let's see. I get any number of excuses from he cannot afford it to he does not have time to file it because he is so busy at work.

Lets see:

We have to file a Motion with the bankruptcy court to lift the automatic stay so that I could file the divorce. Being that I am a paralegal, I prepared the paperwork in April, and just requested he sign off on it and pay the filing fee of $150. Has not been done. I wanted this to get finished because after my brother died, I decided to move back to the east coast and knew it would take 60 days to finalize, so I was just going to do it. I also had no job at that point so had no income, and he said fine. Yeah, he still hasn't filed it.

So then in like June I asked him if he was going to file, or if he just wanted me to file after I got residency in Virginia, which is initially where I intended to go. He said he would file it because otherwise we would have to wait at least six months. Nothing.

So in July, I sent him a text asking him if he was actually going to file it because the paperwork is extensive, and I didn't want to waste my time if he wasn't actually going to file it. He said yes he was going to file, so I sent him the petition right then and there. Nothing.

In the meantime, we really are not having much contact other than a few text messages here and there. I tell him I am in NY. I tell him I slept with someone. Nada. Nothing. No response. So that was when I pulled the trump card and reminded him that my dad had several connections w/ USCIS (former INS) remember stbx is trying for citizenship, and that seemed to catch his attention. This was in August. He said he would file the divorce within the next two months. I even offered to pay the filing fees, as I was now employed and got a small life insurance settlement from my brother. Nothing.

Then he calls me, blah blah, he got into a car accident and was out of work eight weeks, so that is why he got behind on his mortgage (whatever) and why he cannot afford to pay the filing fee but will have it. He says he knows I could pay for it, but it is a matter of pride (???WTF???)

So then I sent him an email a few days later stating that I could prepare a pauper's oath to submit to the district clerk that would waive the filing fee, and got no response. Ummmm yeah.

Here is the big kicker. Since I am now in New York State, I have to reside here for 2 YEARS before I can file. So this means that if he does not file, I will still be married to this idiot for another two years.

Why wait? He has been married before, twice, and filed right away with both other women.

At some point, I just asked him to let me go. The night that we did talk, I told him it was time for us to just move on, and get this over with, and he agreed. But yet he hasn't filed. I don't get it.

[rinserepeat]

jeez. what an ass. i don't get it. u'v made it as easy as possible.
is he lazy? is he having doubts? is there some advantage 2 him 2 b married?

[LolaL]

I honestly don't know. Many have suggested it is his immigration status, but I am not his sponsor. It does not matter whether he is married to me or not, he already has his permanent residency status and is just waiting to be sworn in at this point.

The filing fees are pretty hefty, but again, because we are bankrupt, he could file the pauper's oath to waive those fees. He just cannot do it w/ the bankruptcy court because technically it is a debt consolidation rather than a straight out bankruptcy, but that is like $150. So he doesn't have a few beers one month. Whoopity doo.

Doubts? If he was, I don't honestly think he would tell me. He is too stubborn and prideful. He mostly said that when he said he would not take the money for me to file it.

I have no clue what he is thinking. I really don't talk to him, nor at this point do I really want to. It is honestly too painful to talk to him. I miss the man I married, not this mock version of who he thinks he should be, and I think the man I married is gone. This person he is now, I wouldn't even be friends with.

[Kalni]

God only knows what goes around in his head Lola...

Bottom line: what CAN you do?
K

[LolaL]

Live.

Look its not that I don't love him. But I am not going to wait for him to make up his mind either. If he doesn't file, then once I am here for 2 years, I will. There is no point in planning on a future with a man who has no brain.

Life is too short to continue to go through this. I have finally found some peace, I have a nice, quiet apartment in a nice, quiet village, and a nice job with a nice law firm working for nice attorneys.

I am content right now.

I am so happy to be able to walk into my own apartment, turn on my own television, eat my own food, sleep in my own bed. I am eternally grateful that my brother left me that life insurance. I miss him more than anyone, but I know he is up there watching over me to make sure I am okay.

My D13 is adjusting so well that I wish I had done this a long time ago.

As for H? I can't do anything. He has to find his own way. I would be lying if I said that I didn't love him, but it would take a awful lot for me to try again. I don't trust him, and I don't think I have it in me to even try to trust him. I don't want to live my life worrying about where his male member is slipping when he is outside of the home...

[LolaL]

It is strange, the things that come into your head in the dark of night as you are trying to fall asleep. The memories, the loneliness, missing that comfort zone that you thought you had with the one person that you never imagined would walk away.

I suspect that because tomorrow is the two year anniversary of the bomb, things are weighing on my mind a bit more lately. But for some reason, this one seems to surround our sex life.

When stbx and I became intimate, he said that his XW complained he was too "small". Hmmmm...well I assured him that was not the case. Not that it would have mattered, but of course, the male ego needed to be stroked.

As I was laying in bed last night and wondering why all of a sudden I was having this huge hangup about whether or not I could sufficiently perform in bed (don't ask, I don't know why) I remembered a conversation that stbx and I had about two months before the bomb. See, stbx had a little bitty problem with maintaining an erection. All of a sudden, he was informing me that during the prior three years, he never enjoyed sex with me. He said he had to concentrate too much on maintaining the erection and sex was no longer pleasurable for him. Of course, that didn't stop him from sleeping with someone else.

What? Wait??? I was there!!! I could have sworn he enjoyed it. I watched his face, and it sure LOOKED like he was enjoying it. Either that, or he is the first man in history who has successfully faked an orgasm.

I equate this statement with what his XW told him about his size. I wonder, and although I know I am wrong, I still wonder if the reason he had an affair was because I am lousy in bed and he was left unsatisfied.

Part of me really wants to ask him this.

Part of me is really scared of the answer.

What do I do?

[LolaL]

I am starting to think no one reads my thread anymore...

[Trixi]

I read 'em. Just don't have anything helpful to offer- accept the totally obvious- it's not you, it's him. And of course you should not ask.
You've come a long way. You're doing great.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Lola)))))

I don't see that there is anything to be gained. No matter what he would say, who is ever going to know if it was the truth, anyway. You'd have as many or more questions then as you do now!

And, I'm guessing it's him!

[LolaL]

Thanks...sometimes I think we all just need a little reassurance...