Magnificent

[Reincarnated]

Is there a club or support group for parents of autistic children that you can tap into? It might be nice to at least talk with someone who can really understand...
It still pisses me off that there aren't any respite programs near you - you are caught in one heck of a sandwich between your son and mom!
Are you still going to Church? Even just a once-a-week volunteer coming by......

[mishka422]

I go to church every Sunday and on Tuesday nights for bible study.

My mom doesn't like to have anyone else in the house. I'm sure it's partially because it's such a mess and partially because that would require her to be sociable which she just doesn't have the energy to do anymore. She doesn't need constant care, just doesn't like for me to be gone too long except when I'm at work. I force the issue as often as I can and just leave for a few hours but I end up with a huge guilt trip for it when I get back. She sulks. Too bad. I've gotten better about blowing it off. She's not a total invalid or anything. Just partially.

I just recently found an online support community geared just toward Aspberger's parents through Autism Speaks. I haven't had time yet to explore it. I'm sure it will be invaluable though.

[mishka422]

Since I missed work most of Friday with my mom, my boss asked me to come in today to make up the day so she didn't have to dock me another day. That was actually good, except I have my C appointment this afternoon and it lands at a time that I can't get back here to work the rest of the day. She actually ok'd that and said she'd call it even. YEA!

I finished up the letter and have printed it. I read it again sitting here at my desk this morning and it made me nauseous. Good grief! I sound like such a sorry piece of crap. It's pretty obvious to me in reading it that I don't have a very good opinion of myself or him. That just sucks.

Oh well...I'm going to hope that this will purge some of these feelings. Here is the letter. Keep in mind this is going nowhere. It's not meant for him to ever see so I wasn't using I statements. It's all pretty much you you you...:)

Gabe,

So many years, so many memories, so much pain.

There are so many things I feel I never got to say to you. I didn’t say them out of some misguided thought that if I was only nice and loving toward you while you ripped my guts out then you would realize your mistake and return.

Well, things have changed. I’ve changed. I now understand that no matter what I said or didn’t say, you were never coming back and we were never supposed to be together in the first place.

I ran scared for 2 years from you when we first dated. You know why. You knew about my past and the trauma I carried from the rape. You never let me forget that I ran, now I understand better why I did that. There were so many red flags that kept going up in my head but there was something about you that kept drawing me back in despite my better judgment. You were always kind and a romantic, but there was also an air of secrecy about you. I was always having suspicious feelings about where you were and who you were with. I thought it was just me being jealous and paranoid but now I’m fairly certain that even then you were screwing around on me. I’m glad that I don’t know exactly how many there were during our marriage. I can imagine that it was quite a few though. Your twisted desires and needs had to be met somewhere, didn’t they? You knew I would never go that far because I have morals and some dignity.

I thought the first few years of our marriage were good. I thought we had fun together and showed our love to each other through the little daily things. I’m now certain I lived in an illusion of my own making. I had this picture in my head of an ideal little family. Going on trips together, taking walks together, just being there for each other in general. You were there, but you weren’t invested. You did your duty and nothing more. I tried and tried to win appreciation from you. I became an accomplished cook, constantly trying new things in an attempt to wring a simple “that was really good, thank you” out of you. I can count on one hand the times that happened. I turned myself inside out until I had completely lost myself and became just a fixture in my own home.

I will never understand how you did what you did. I will never be able to reconcile the hatred I feel for your decision to destroy our family. It tears me to shreds whenever I think of all that Marc is missing because of you. My heart is so broken that it won’t beat in a rhythm. It gurgles in a constant death throe.

I don’t like to admit just how much I loved you, even to myself, because it shows weakness. Weakness is not allowed. I can’t be weak and survive. I have to survive for one reason, Marcus. He is my entire reason for living. I can’t bear the thought of him having to live with you and your whore on a constant basis so I will fight to my last breath to be here for him. I’m sure that pisses you off. I’m sure you wish I’d just drop dead so you don’t have to be reminded of the 15 years of debauchery you missed out on. Of course, again, I assume you probably had plenty of affairs during our marriage so you couldn’t have missed out on much.

We worked so hard to get you to the point that you could follow your dream. You finally did it and I was so proud of you. Little did I know that following your dream would mean following your wayward penis out the door and out of our lives. If I had the foresight to know that, I would never have encouraged you to do that. Of course it’s all for naught. You blew it as soon as you left me. I makes me wonder if the only reason you succeeded at all was because I was pushing you to do it and supporting you through everything. Giving encouragement and gentle nudges. Gee, you leave me, take up with a nasty slut who has slept with half the police officers in Fayette County and then promptly screw up so bad that you lose your career. No, you didn’t just lose a job, you lost a CAREER. For what? A piece of ass. Good one.

You admitted to me that you are miserable. Isn’t that just a crying shame? You seem perfectly fine to me. You have no responsibilities now. You left everything from our entire marriage on my shoulders. Caring for Marc and every joint debt we ever had. You took 60% of the household income out the door and left me with all the same bills. Does that compute? You don’t even pay half of the child support amount you are supposed to because you are too darned lazy to actually go out and pound the pavement to find a decent job. No, you work just enough to keep your girlfriend off your sorry ass. I have every right to drag your butt into court but what good would that do me or Marc? You’d just cry boo hoo to the judge that you only work part time and can’t find anything else. You would wiggle your way out of it like you do everything else. It’s no use.

When I think of the last 5 years of our marriage, I see a lot of blanks. There are a few brief flashes of happiness, a lot of days of sadness and emptiness, and then a lot of blank spots. I felt so empty for so long. I asked for what I needed from you but was told that you didn’t have to be romantic anymore because you already got me. That was such a slap in the face. It said that I didn’t matter to you. My needs weren’t important to you at all. You wouldn’t communicate your needs to me even when I asked for them and then had the nerve to complain to me when you dropped the bomb on me that I didn’t give you what you needed. It would have been good to know what the hell that was!!!!

The two times you came home after you walked out on us were absolutely terrifying for me. I knew you didn’t want to be here and couldn’t figure out why you were. I can only think that Kelly kicked you out because of some sort of bad behavior on your part and since you had nowhere to go you came here. Of course, even though I laid down the law about contact with her having to cease if you were coming home you continued. More and more disrespect heaped on me. It was brutal. It was horrible for Marc. He was so happy to have you back in the house but he could also tell you weren’t going to stay. You stayed 5 days the first time and 10 whole days the second time. Every second was saturated in nerves, walking on eggshells, scared to death I would say something wrong and you would bolt. Why did I bother? Why did I put myself through that? I know now. I have no respect for myself. I feel like I deserved everything I got from you because I wasn’t good enough. I’m not pretty, not attractive, a bad mother, and I’m worthless in general. That is why you wouldn’t stay, and I know that now.

As I wrestled with my emotions, prayed to God for guidance and for Him to soften your hard heart, I became more and more depressed and withdrawn. I perfected my outward face to people, but on the inside I was dying a little more every day because my heart couldn’t take the rejection from the only man I have ever loved. I knew I wasn’t worthy of it, but to lose it so abruptly was more than I could take.

The final nail in the coffin containing our marriage came when we were to meet to discuss your visitation with Marc. This was a conversation that was to be between you and me. Private, among Marc’s parents. You showed up with no intention of discussing that. Instead, you ambushed me with the only person I hate more than you. You put me in a no win situation. Showing up with that skank in tow showed me for the final time just how worthless you think I am. It proved to me that you never had any love in your heart for me as your wife or even as the mother of your child. To be able to show up there, sit her down at a table with me, your wife for God’s sake, and then walk away leaving me there to deal with her was the ultimate insult and I can’t forgive you for that. That completely broke me and I nearly killed myself that night when I got home. It felt like you had put hot pokers in my heart and were twisting them. The pain was excruciating.

I now live every day just to make it to the next one, for Marc. I don’t live for myself. I don’t even know how to do that. There are so many demands on me for my time from mom and Marc that there is nothing left for me. You used to be my buffer. Now there is no buffer and I find that there is nothing I can do for myself. I will go on living because I have to, but it’s an empty, meaningless life that will leave no legacy. God, I wish things could have been different. I wish I had a do over. Go back 20 years and try again. Don’t get married, don’t even get involved….with anyone. Go back and fix all the crap I did wrong. Maybe then God would have blessed me. Instead, I’m cursed because of my bad choices. Cursed with situations there is no way out of.

I guess, in the end, all I can do is thank you Gabe. Thank you for stripping the buffer out of my life so I have to face the complete desolation of it. I no longer wear the blinders of a ‘happy family’ to protect me from the absolute hole this life is.

Yes, we all die alone. We are born alone and will die the same, but most people at least have arms to hold them on the way in and a hand to hold on the way out. I realize I won’t. Fear of that is what is driving me now. It’s not a great way to live, but it’s all I have.

Yes, these last few paragraphs sound pathetic but they are my honest feelings. There is no need to hold back anymore. It has to come out in order for me to change it. It has to be purged and I’m working hard at doing that.

God, give me the strength to make it to tomorrow, the discernment to see the truth in the people around me, and the hope of a better future.

[kat727]

(((((Mish))))). Ok, I won't try to throw a lot of joy out there. Yes, there are deamons to purge and maybe that has to be done before you can start to feel good again. But I will tell you that YOU are worth it. You will see this someday soon I promise. In the meantime, maybe you should put it on various places throughout your house to remind yourself.

I know there are several people here to support you. I know we all believe you are pretty special and an amazing person. However that doesn't add up to a hill of beans if you don't believe it yourself. Tell us/me how to help you.

kat

[Kalni]

I dont have time to post. I will later. Mish, you are sweet and loving. And that is NOT weakness.
K

[mishka422]

I don't know what would help. I just know that getting this out feels good. The twisted part of my brain says.....send it to him! Let him have it! The rational part of my brain knows that isn't going to do any good and would only hurt our tenuous co-parenting R.

I'll figure this out. Somehow.

My poor little toe is finally healing so I should be able to get back to my walking, eliptical routine. I'll admit that while not being able to exercise I've also slacked off on my diet. I put on a pair of pants this morning that I haven't worn since last winter and they fit, but not very well. Exercise definitely helps my PMA.

Diet doesn't help my PMA! It makes me testy and ticked off that I can't have my favorite foods anymore. Even though I know how unhealthy the stuff I love is, I still crave it!

This morning I left my house determined not to let anything derail me from my diet for the next few weeks. That is going to be tough. My office is infamous for the amount of food we eat in a week. Everyone seems to feel it's their duty to fill us up on junk. For example, I'm sitting here staring at a HUGE black forest cake that our owner's husband brought in. It was left over from his poker night last night at their house. He does this at least once every other week! Our receptionist brought in lunch and dessert for the office also. She is the caterer for her church and made FAR too much so brought the rest to us. I don't even know what it is, but I can guarantee it's fattening and decadent!

I refuse to leave my desk just so I'm not tempted. I have to pick up mom from dialysis so I will eat my Lean Cuisine and a salad at home, thank you very much.

Crazy afternoon today too. C appt, then a scheduled phone call with my BFF (we have to schedule them or we never connect), then bible study, then a darned mandatory meeting at the supermarket I work at tonight at 10pm! UGH! What a day!

[kat727]

I so wish you would have sweet and sappy dreams too! I had one where the guy I am interested in had another gal that liked him. I didn't really know much about her. Anyway in the dream, he went to her and told her that he chose me. Then he came to me and spent 2 days here. He was always with me and we both admitted that we were crazy about each other. It was so real that I hated to wake up.

kat

[dday101798]

Mish,

Well, if you figure out a way we can anything, I can safely say, don't be worried about calling upon us.

As far as the letter, I can't tell you how many of those I've written, read, re-written, read, edtied, re-written, over an dover, and then a condensed straight to the point without accusation or showing my own weaknesses made it's way to XW.

Granted I haven't given a personal letter to her in over a year now, but it helped.

[kat727]

So how did it go?

kat

[Reincarnated]

Write, write, write. Purge it all out. Glad to hear you are going to the IC - letters like this were emailed to mine so we could discuss it the next session.

I get the feeling that you believe that you are the biggest loser of our lot - the one who really deserved what happened to her.
Guess what...
We ALL have felt that way, to some extent!!!! It is a way of trying to have some control over a situation that we don't have the power to change. Even if it is deep-seated and a remanent from our childhood (it is easier to believe that you are no good, than to not believe those who love you but are telling you that you are no good, or,
There are other reasons for low self-esteem - I'm sure your IC can help you find out what purpose yours is serving in your life. Yes, you may be holding onto those thoughts rather than believe so many who think highly of you, because it serves a purpose to your psyche right now.

As far as the diet thing, buy a big thing of salt (it's cheap). Take a small piece of whatever you are craving, have a bite or two, then douse the rest with salt. You won't eat any more, and you won't feel deprived. Toss it. Don't worry about waste - better to "waste" than to "waist."
Feeling satisfied is what will keep you eating healthy. Also, break down meals to small things all day long - a bite here, a bite there. You will never feel hungry (as long as you don't confuse thirsty and bored with hunger - always drink a large glass of water and switch activities before you eat something out of "hunger.")

We love you, mish.