last night was quiet. we watched some tv. no talking.
after we both headed to our respective floor of the house, i broke down.

I went and told BF that it's hard living like this and everyone is telling how beautiful and intelligent I am and I should just move on and I'm supposed to be this wall and be stoic but sometimes it's not who I am and I can't do it - i can't just turn off or stop caring.

I followed up with a text letting him know i wasn't trying to make him feel guilty - just letting him know how i feel.


he didn't say anything and i really wasn't looking for him to say anything.


I don't know what's going to happen. The eviction stands. I know that even counseling wouldn't work right now, nothing will change or get better until we both mutually work together and change. I'm open and willing, but I can't force him to grow up- to be responsible and communicate. Sounds so basic sometimes.

i'm so tired physically, mentally and emotionally. i've really, truly got nothing left. all words in my head and heart have been spoken, written, text, emailed. i've tried everything i can try and this really is the only thing left is to just shut down/go dark. i have no expectations, i have no plans. i cannot change anyone but myself.

I wrote today - first time in a long time. it's pretty specific. not sure if it's any good.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.