I think you are going through the same thing lots of us have and are.
Thanks for being open about it.
My recommendation would be similar to everyone elses here. It all stems around 3 things.
1) Stop the pursuit. This is the list that Sandi gave you. It is critical. If you pursue, your wife will run. If you stop, then you have time and space to fix things.
2) Really look inward and determine where and why you were doing things to harm your W and your R. You talk about verbal abuse - well do whatever it takes to stop. This also means digging inward and ridding yourself of the core reasons behind it.
3) Detach so that you can really look at things more clearly. Know that you will be OK whatever happens.
4) Man-up and learn to be strong and independent. Learn to stand up for yourself and speak out without being angry or resentful. Take a firm, strong, tough-love stand on the EA. "I know and agree that our M has issues and that your R with OM is not the cause of those issues, but your R with OM is THE immediate barrier to us being able to solve those issues. I will not share you with any other man. You are an adult and can choose to have this R with him, but you may not do that AND be married to me at the same time..."
This all takes time. Step 1 buys that time. Steps 2 and 3 get You to where you need to be to be able to lead. In step 4 you start leading in the way your wife needs you to.
