This is one of those "as long as that's how they PERCEIVE it, you have a problem" situations. Because I still think I was only living up to my own standards, ethics and morals, but it was coming across to my wife as "holier-than-thou," so it was a very real obstacle in our reconciliation, whether I was "right" or not.
I think the key is to use strong boundaries, aggressive exposure and "the moral high-horse" (to use your term) at the BEGINNING, to aggressively bust up the affair, but then you're going to have to dramatically change tactics and style in order to give more space, once the FWAS has demonstrated -- thru some period of time of no-contact and transparency -- that they can be trusted again. It is at this point where I think you need to be especially forgiving, loving, empathetic, and give space.
I think it took me awhile to figure out that it was okay to let my guard down, and to assume this latter style, but once I did, it clearly helped.
Yes, OT, you frequently piss me off, just as I surely occasionally piss off others here. But that's because you challenge me, and I respect that.
