It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

I came to a realization (another one?!?). My W is not and hasn't been proud of me for a long time. She needed that. She needed to be proud of herself and for me to be proud of her. She didn't get it. Things had to change and she changed them. I'm hurt by her decision and her seemingly callous actions, but couldn't live her life the way it was. This was the only change that could believe would keep her sane.

I can't make her proud of me over night. I can be proud of her for taking a hard and painful road and for soldiering on in search of happiness. I can work on my own life and hope for the best.

There are other issues, but this (I think) is a major one behind her feelings about the M.

I often write "letters" to my W. They're not meant to be sent or even read. They're more of a journal. I thought I'd include the latest for thought and discussion.


We have to be a team. Forget whether we’re married or whatever. We need to be on board with one another for the girls. And for each other. We’re growing, and this world can be tough. I know we both will be tougher and wiser and will do greater things with the heart-felt knowledge that someone will be there for them. If that means friendship, then that’s what it must be.
I get that you don’t want my help, that you want to rely on yourself. That’s a good thing. I want that for myself too. I want that for you. You NEED it and so do I. But there’s more to being that team than doing stuff or encouraging the other person. There is the knowledge deep down that when the [censored] really hits the fan and everyone else is busy, stupid or selfish, that the person will drop everything to be by your side to help. Even for a small prod to do the right thing or something big.
I know I haven’t done enough of that. I know you carried the weight. But when it comes right down to it, I will be there. I haven’t been reliable, but I want to be and I’m working to be a rock to those I care about. Grow and be self-reliant and I’ll help with that by staying out of your way. Be a great mom and I’ll help with that by praising you and offering HELPFUL (not bossy) advice. Be a great woman and I’ll help by admiring you. I don’t have to have my finger in the pie to help. I’m slowly learning that and know that often a smile is better than trying to butt in and fix it for you. I realize that getting a job and my own life is better for your self-esteem than taking care of me.
I get that you want to feel proud of me and that that can’t happen in our relationship as it was. You want to grow and become proud of yourself and want me to be proud of you as well for your OWN accomplishments. I’m already proud of you for taking the hardest of steps to ensure your happiness. It hurts, but that’s what’s necessary to grow when you’ve built a rut for yourself.
So, I want that team, whatever form it takes. It’s a cruel and turbulent world. People get mixed up and off track. They forget themselves and the people they love. I don’t need you for myself, but I desire that light that you have and don’t want to forget that there is a person out there that cares no matter what.
Love and faithfully,
Mark

[ClingingToHope]

I often write "letters" to my W. They're not meant to be sent or even read.

I've been doing this. I sent her several after my Marriage Rebuilders class. I've kept a few written on the spur of the moment -- including before my W's birthday earlier this month -- that I didn't send and unless something miraculous happens she'll never see.

[TooLateForMe]

Yes, the letters are a chance for me to focus my feelings without feeling like I have to say the "right" thing. I can let my feelings go without literally lashing out (though I haven't been vicious in any of them). I also avoid launching a barrage of letters at her that would make her run the other way.

[Mongoose27]

Thanks CTH, I really appreciate this post. It definitely helps with a situation I am in. It is very hard to not contact the person and going through the move out is really hard but I am going to get it all out this weekend and then let things progress from there.

Yesterday was the hardest part because it was the most I missed her since I moved on Sept. 5th. Day by Day is hard and for the most part I am usually cool until night time, then it hits and hits hard. I feel you on the analogy of breaking up. I am trying to limit the contact as well. It is not easy, my little girl who is 6 misses her a lot. She was basically her step mom for the last 2 plus years. Not sure how to handle it most of the time. The worst is when you do things YOU KNOW you shouldn't like texting your feelings, sending cute e-mails, etc.

[TooLateForMe]

Upset and embarrassed I went off on here about D(13). Read some of her posts on facebook tonight and she's having problems with middle school social life. Stuff she doesn't talk to me about. It's heartbreaking things about how other kids are "abandoning" and that she feels everyone will abandon her, including her family. I feel like a monster now.

here's a tip for anyone considering leaving your family: DON'T. Not unless there is no other option.

I left for relationship reasons and could have done the work to fix things without leaving. My W and I didn't argue all the time. We weren't abusive to each other or the kids. General unhappiness is not an excuse to tear your family apart. Get up off of your butt and make the changes in yourself before you do more damage trying to "fix" things. Ugh! I could rant forever on this.

I'm also coming to the realization that our MC had a bit of a feminist agenda. She was very touchy-feely, focusing more on my W--not a lot, but seemed very interested in W's deeper psychological state. C also ignored a VM I left her about resources for personal counseling that were closer to me. I have a nasty feeling that a lot of my W's resolution not to give in to her feelings for me come from her now one-on-one sessions w/ the C.

[TooLateForMe]

Now that I think about it, my wife was going to take me back until after her therapy session. Not a bad thing by itself but added to other things it's mighty suspicious. Can I report this person? Maybe not for giving bad advice to my W, but for ignoring my query for help. Who would I report it to? And how can I let my W know this person might be dangerous to her without making things worse?

[TooLateForMe]

any thoughtS?

[ClingingToHope]

Yesterday was the hardest part because it was the most I missed her since I moved on Sept. 5th. Day by Day is hard and for the most part I am usually cool until night time, then it hits and hits hard.

For me, it's the weekends. During the week I'm pretty good. I go into work if I'm bored. I'm playing more basketball. I'm doing more church functions.

It's the weekends where I really struggle. The ones I don't have the girls, I spend all my time trying to fill out the day. The ones I do have my girls, I spend too much time wondering what the W is doing instead of focusing on my kids.

If you just moved on Sept. 5, you have a long way to go. I'm nearly five months into it and the last two weeks have been better because each time I have a shot of emotional pain I try to focus on how far I've already come.

[TooLateForMe]

How do I keep loving and doing what I have to do when my W gets to go have fun all the time (w/ 2 kids in the house) while I'm suffering? She's made this choice and apparently is happy as a clam while I'm miserable? How do other people do it? I don't know.

I know I'm whining a lot but I'm struggling day to day. Lots of self-help books, no job, no money. I wouldn't have done this to her. Not this way. I get all the principles but sometimes they aren't much help.

[ClingingToHope]

I know I'm whining a lot but I'm struggling day to day. Lots of self-help books, no job, no money. I wouldn't have done this to her. Not this way. I get all the principles but sometimes they aren't much help.

The no job thing is a double blow. At least I can go to work every day to take my mind off things.

Hold on to this thought. Her life may not be as great as you imagine. On the weekends, I keep thinking about how much fun she "must" be having. Yet, I struggle with the weekends, so perhaps she is too. I mean, my social network is much larger than hers. In DBing, we're told to always put on a happy face. She may be doing that too.

It's hard and I'm having trouble with it, but try to stop thinking about her and concentrate on you. Easier said than done. The job thing is major. Are there any possibilities there?

In my case, today I was crumbling a bit inside with bitterness -- sitting at home does that -- when I thought that for 40 years I've pretty much been the one who loved half-heartedly while everyone else competed for my attention.

That started in child hood, continued in my teen years and then with my W. Her family was eager to take my into theirs, but I resisted and pushed them away. If I could do ONE thing different, it would be that.

Now, I'm loving whole-heartedly someone who doesn't want my attention. Without my W knowing, I apologized to her mom about how I've acted. I even broke down and cried -- the emotion just poured out.

I see this as God's way of stripping someone down who has been too prideful in life. It's his test to see how I come out of it. And this is from someone who was very skeptical of organized religion before this happened.

Will I be like my father and crumble, turn to drinking, turn his back on his kids and live in anger. Or will I become a more patient, thoughtful, giving person who does his best even when there's nothing in it for him anymore.

As hard as it will be, I hope I take the second path. And in the end, maybe this year, next year or in five years, if my W doesn't want me, someone else will and my daughters will still be proud of me.