It is strange, the things that come into your head in the dark of night as you are trying to fall asleep. The memories, the loneliness, missing that comfort zone that you thought you had with the one person that you never imagined would walk away.

I suspect that because tomorrow is the two year anniversary of the bomb, things are weighing on my mind a bit more lately. But for some reason, this one seems to surround our sex life.

When stbx and I became intimate, he said that his XW complained he was too "small". Hmmmm...well I assured him that was not the case. Not that it would have mattered, but of course, the male ego needed to be stroked.

As I was laying in bed last night and wondering why all of a sudden I was having this huge hangup about whether or not I could sufficiently perform in bed (don't ask, I don't know why) I remembered a conversation that stbx and I had about two months before the bomb. See, stbx had a little bitty problem with maintaining an erection. All of a sudden, he was informing me that during the prior three years, he never enjoyed sex with me. He said he had to concentrate too much on maintaining the erection and sex was no longer pleasurable for him. Of course, that didn't stop him from sleeping with someone else.

What? Wait??? I was there!!! I could have sworn he enjoyed it. I watched his face, and it sure LOOKED like he was enjoying it. Either that, or he is the first man in history who has successfully faked an orgasm.

I equate this statement with what his XW told him about his size. I wonder, and although I know I am wrong, I still wonder if the reason he had an affair was because I am lousy in bed and he was left unsatisfied.

Part of me really wants to ask him this.

Part of me is really scared of the answer.

What do I do?

Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..