NC with wife for one week

[GoBison]

Ok R2C I am feeling better today. Yesterday was a rough day and so was last night at least for a while. I really thought about things between us and let the anger go. I started listening to the first part of Susan Page book and really thought about it. We were both going in a circle in the way we treated each other. I don't think that we were intentionally hurting each other we just both did it. We probably thought he the other is doing this on purpose. At least I did. My LL would be physical touch. When she would get home from work she would sit on the opposite couch and go to the computer yet would want to talk. It would frustrate me as it would happen every night. Her love language is quality time. Nevertheless I wuold get frustrated and seemed upset that all she wanted to do was sit over on the computer. She would get frustrated and when it was time to go to bed she would stay up later watching tv. Thus S once a month or longer was not uncommon. Which frustrated me even more and made things worse between us. It just kept going in a circle and neither of us would break out of it. I am sure that the things I was doing would seem to be jealous to her as I seemed upset at her. Her thinking it was because she was on the computer and me thinking that it was because she did not show any affection. The two of us being together all the time did not help matters as we could not break out of our patterns.

I know that we could be good together and that if we would have just realized this things could have been really great. But when it seems like the other person is intentionally withholding or trying to hurt you. What is the point of making the effort. We both also let it fester inside of us and did not say things that we should have. When one did say things after things built up for a while it did not help matters because the other was feeling upset at why should I do anything when she/he's not. And just kept the circle going.

The main principle behind DB is to do what works not to just leave the other person alone. Sure don't overly pursue and puts tons of pressure on that person. But if my W's main LL is quality time and that is how she connects then how do I connect with her and let her know that I do love her and that things can be better without doing this. I know that my W is hurting and maybe she does want me to reach out to her. Maybe she wants me to be the one that steps up and leads us back together. Not contacting her has only made things worse as she then filed for D. Even though she does not answer my calls now what it that is what she is wanting for me to try but thinks that if she talks too much right now she will want to come back and not contacting her and trying to talk is easier for her to let go.

While I think that your advice is good for the most people on not contacting their S. I don't think it is the right advice for me. I do believe that my W wants me to be there for her and to show her that I do care and can do it without being upset with her. I want to tell her of the things that kept us going in a circle and by some of the things that she said the other night I can tell that she was starting to think along the same lines. That is also what helped me to realize what was going on. Her also saying things to me to push me back also tells me that if she does continue to be around me she won't be able to continue on her path.

I did not contact my W yesterday as I was in a bad place myself and did not want things to get worse. I may try to call her again tomorrow and see if she wants to do something this weekend. (there will be a 2x4 coming from R2C on that one) I have to try something different and if it is what works then I will continue to do it. NC did not work. As far as telling her where we went wrong and the things that I think that can make it better I will hold off on that for a while. Who knows with God's help she may consider going to counseling once or twice before we get divorced. If I really push for things on the D and it takes longer than the month that she has planned then she may go just to make things go faster. That would be a much better time to tell her.

Will we make it. That is not up to me. That is up to her and God. Will I change. Yep. Will things be a lot better between us if we do try to make a go of it. Yep as long as we don't go back to our old patterns and really talk about things. Stupid communication thing.