What to do when H doesn't contact?

[Goodfight]

Hi Everyone and thanks for your advice. I was having a really bad time and didn't come on. I don't know what to think now. So H calls again, one week after and tells me nicely that he paid on the other loan also and that he is thinking about paying the small one off in full. I stayed nice and calm and just said ok. He owes me so much money for these bills. Anyway, he said that he sent the check in and wanted me to know. And that he can't do check by phone because I changed the pin number so I told him I would call the bank the following morning and see what I can do about it. I text him and told him that all he has to do is call the bank and ask for ext. such and such and give my ss# and they will take his payment.

I haven't heard a word since then from him. I'm not giving the pin number since it is linked to my checking account. He saw D on Sunday and she said they had a good time. As far as the letters go to D I have to screen them my D's C told me too because he is messing with her head.

I have been bothering him almost every month about loans due by mailing him copies of the statements and telling him that if he doesn't pay I'm going to have to file.

H never cared before so I don't know what has hit him to pay these bills now.

I'm GAL but it is really hard with both jobs and kids and stuff. My S is upset because he text H and he never answered him, so I'm hurting for my S. S knows that H is seeing his other 2 children plus our D and not him. My heart is breaking for him but there is nothing I can do.

I haven't bothered H at all. Only text if he does first, and if he has a question when he calls (last call was on Friday morning) I text the answer. H did say about texting and driving (drives truck for a living), but it seems like instead of waiting to get where he is going he wants me to call him but I don't just text the answer.

Am I doing the right things? So confused and upset today.

[Goodfight]

rye,
I know what you are going through and it is an awful thing. And I know now after all these months there is nothing we can do for them. They have to face the fact that they have a problem and need help and then just be there for them if they make that call to us.

My H has moved 3 times now, I think looking for a place to be happy and it hasn't happened yet. As far as this last place I really don't know. But I know for a fact he wasn't happy at home then moved in with parents told me he wasn't happy there, then D told me he seemed sad at the last apartment and just moved again. IMO they are looking to be happy without us and are not finding it so hopefully they will realize what is going on and seek the help they need.

I never thought in a million years it would be this long for my H. Thought he would have returned a long time ago. Boy I was wrong. So please just try to hang in there and remember they are ill. I just keep on praying and praying and trying to give it to God because I have my children to worry about first. I do love him dearly and would do anything for him to return but it took my over 9 months to realize I have no control over this situation. Only God does.

[jon2911]

Hi Everyone and thanks for your advice. I was having a really bad time and didn't come on. I don't know what to think now.

Completely understand that. I didn't want to post about my last visit with W because it didn't end well. This is very confusing stuff. Hang in there and keep posting!

As far as the letters go to D I have to screen them my D's C told me too because he is messing with her head.

OK, well that makes sense. Just don't let his letters affect your PMA. Keep GAL.

H never cared before so I don't know what has hit him to pay these bills now.

This is great progress. Enjoy it! I didn't know your H was a truck driver. That makes more sense. So in other words he lives near you, but not really. Isn't he gone for weeks at a time? So maybe he's used to being alone. Just keep hanging in, he'll start missing you. And what will he find then?

[Goodfight]

Hi Jon,
No he just drives for like 10hrs. per night. Local around here. He is no way being use to being alone at all. I spoke to Jody yesterday and she also said it was great progress. Talking and seeing our D, moving away from his parents.....closer to us, and paying bills.

So I felt a whole lot better after speaking to her but now I'm completely broke so I don't know when I would ever be able to speak to a Dbusting coach again. But Jody was great through this whole thing. I will just keep on doing what I'm doing and reading over and over again. She gave me things to say when H calls again but I told her that I don't think he will until next month maybe when loans are due again but she seems to think he will call before then.

I hope.

[jon2911]

Good stuff! I think you're doing all the right things. It's hard to see progress from inside our sitch and it helps to have outside perspective. Hang in there!

[Goodfight]

Well, it's been a week since I heard from H. Looks like I was right and Jody was wrong. He's not going to call or if he does it will be at the end of the month if he plans on paying his share of the bills that we are both responsible for.

I knew it was too good to be true, him calling and acting nice with last phone conversation and finally paying after over 10 months of only paying child support and nothing else.

So tired of getting my hopes up, don't know why I keep doing it.

[RedSoxFan]

Well, it's been a week since I heard from H. Looks like I was right and Jody was wrong. He's not going to call or if he does it will be at the end of the month if he plans on paying his share of the bills that we are both responsible for.

I knew it was too good to be true, him calling and acting nice with last phone conversation and finally paying after over 10 months of only paying child support and nothing else.

So tired of getting my hopes up, don't know why I keep doing it.

Lost, if I could grant myself one wish it would be patience and understanding to deal with the time it takes to make this work. No matter how many times people told me this in the beginning it just didn't sink in. Finally it is now. We have to sign up for the whole game here. One inning doesn't make or break it. There's still plenty of hope. Stay strong!

[Goodfight]

Don't know what to think of anything anymore. Here is my update over the weekend.

I got another call yesterday, well message. I didn't answer the phone because for some reason I thought it was going to be a nasty one. He left a message saying he didn't know why I sent loan statements (I do every month), and said he will be paying one of them on the 17th. He said "I don't know what you meant by sending the statements?" So I sent him a text and just said that it was a reminder like they send to me. Then a couple of hours I felt bad so I sent him a voice mail without his phone ringing and just said basically the same thing. And for him to let me know when he does pay it so I don't pay it also.

I had our daughter ask him to take her to her appointment today for her braces because I've missed so much work over this mess. And he is actually taking her, he asked her first what time because he had a Dr. appt. today also. I wonder why he is going to the Dr.'s again. Wish I knew what it was for, he just went in at the end of July for a physical (I'm guessing work sent him)at the end of July. I told D to tell him I said thank you and he text her back your welcome. Don't know if I did the right thing or not. And input would be greatly appreciated.

I know Red that I need to stay strong and have patience but it is so hard.

Just don't know if he is looking to go forward with Divorce and spoke to another lawyer and they told him he needs to pay or why he would be paying after all of this time. His last lawyer I'm sure told him he needed to pay for the stuff that is in both of our names. Just very confused.

[Goodfight]

Yesterday I finally got some fall cleaning done in the house. Needs it big time. Have a whole lot more to do but felt better because I actually got something accomplished.

[25yearsmlc]

My gut reaction to ALL that you have written is that you need to look up DETACHMENT on this site and read it carefully, more than once. You are driving yourself crazy with wondering why your h is going to the doctor (Who cares unless he's dying in which case HE will tell you) and texting him after HE left you a rude message and you already told him why....enough.

It's coming off as grovelling. Please, I don't mean to slap you silly but you must detach or you'll never survive this pace...let alone restore the M...

Do you understand the whole concept of detachment? What bothers you about it?

J-