I don't know if I have the patience for this. I guess I don't have a choice, patience or not. But I feel like I will never reach my goal of just living in peace in my own house. Instead it will just be the slow process of Chinese water torture. I mean, we've gotten the big blowups under control...but the drip drip dripping continues.
H has not called the doctor...he's thinking maybe he'll wait til his latest BP prescription is out and maybe asking the doc to increase it. Or maybe it's too much coffee. Yeah, maybe it's too much coffee. I can only learn this much after trying to talk about it in the most obtuse, beat around the bush way possible, because God forbid we talk about anything directly, because the baby might get scared.
Meanwhile the dripping continues...I got home from work around 8:30 last night. He had made dinner (yes I thanked him)...but the crap started immediately. Little crap, but drip drip drip. He'd brought me a belated birthday gift that was from my SIL... He says...do you ever get her a present? In this ridiculous contemptuous tone, like I probably didn't. I said, yes, I usually get her a present...her birthday was in Feb. I'm thinking...wth is your problem, for one thing, I buy ALL the presents and cards for every person in your family. Where did that come from?
Then he says something about how, oh...he saw S10's behavior slip by the way...again, in this accusatory way. And I said, yeah, I left it on the counter. In plain sight for you to see. He goes well you didn't TELL me about it. I said, he was talking in class. I forgot about it as soon as I signed it. I left it out though. After a few minutes, I said, I haven't even seen you yet today...I just signed that this morning. Silence from him about that. I mean, was I supposed to call him at work and tell him our son talked in class?
Then he says, like he's challenging me, are you going to go over all his homework?? Um, okay, I'm eating a taco right now. He says well you need to check online and make sure he did it all. Okay, boss, shakin a tree, boss. So I ate my taco, went down and checked the homework list...looked at my email and fb and a couple of things for a total of 15 minutes...and came back up and they had both fallen asleep on the couch. So I set the alarm to get up an hour earlier, read a bit, and went to bed.
This morning I am sound asleep...and he turns on the light and starts saying Are you going to check his homework?? You said you were going to check it. I, of course, am like..whaaat? He goes you need to get up and check his homework!! Then he gets in the shower, so I'm laying there for about 10 minutes while he showers trying to wake up a bit. He gets out of the shower and starts badgering me again...I said what time is it?? He says it's a quarter to six. You were supposed to get his hw list online. You didn't come up. What time did you come to bed anyway?
And yes, I lost my temper because I don't like someone blindsiding me and getting in my face at six a.m. I said, I DID get his list, I was down there for 15 MINUTES, YOU WERE SLEEPING, and I WENT BED AT 9:30.
Then I get the hand over the heart routine...don't shout at me. I just asked you a question. I said get off my back. Well, he says, I don't know why you are such in a bad mood...blah blah blah. I ignored him. Meanwhile S10 has gotten up and we sit down to go over his assignments. H comes back and starts again about how he didn't do anything, he doesn't know what my problem is, blah blah...I said I don't like getting nagged before I've even opened my eyes in the morning, you started blasting me while I was sleeping! Now leave me alone. He started saying something else and I told him to shut up. That was bad, I know. Then he went to work. Why he has to go to work an hour early this week is a mystery to me.
Now he keeps calling me about stupid stuff...hi sweetheart, I just wanted to let you know XYZ. I'm thinking, are you for real? I'm just sick of this. I'm sick of not being able to have an open honest conversation...I'm sick of him going into some kind of "a-ha!" mode like he's trying to catch me out on something, anything. I realized I had to spend all weekend trying to manage this crap...of course, I must always handle everything smoothly and without rancor and set my boundaries and be calm and mature and respectful and not do anything to upset the baby because then baby might feel bad about himself.
He was going off on some facebook rant again over the weekend, and says it's just a waste of time!! (my time) And I said well it's better than other things...and he gave me a look that could kill...I literally felt a trickle of fear in my stomach. And he said not to say that again. But he can bitch and moan and complain and badger about my every mundane move and whether he approves of it or not.
And there's no way to address it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do while he slowly drives me crazy. Over 1,000 meaningless small things that build up until I want to smack him with a bat. But he works hard. Brings home the bacon. Sometimes I think I wouldn't care if I never had to talk to him again.
There...that's my whining rant. Does he beat me? No.
