Last thing if you're still here...what's your opinion...do I approach him on the anxiety issue this weekend, and wait til next week (or later this weekend) for this finance stuff? I don't think he's very ready right now.
First walks in the door usually not good.
Make sure he is rested, fed and sober. Maybe tell him on Sat, "I need 15 minutes or so to talk to you about our finances. When is better ______________or ___________?"
You can handle it.
Coach
ps Have you seen Forrest Gump around? I wish I could see his face when he reads your dream about the unicorns.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I believe that I have singlehandedly brought Forrest Gump out of hiding. I have given him a new lease on life. I want you to know it took a lot of personal humility to post that story. I had to grit my teeth when I clicked on submit. lol
I've been thinking about Steve McQueen and his insistence that sex fixes everything, when actually, it's chocolate...but the men have spoken this week. I think I will hand him the bank statement while wearing lingerie and stilettos. And have fresh baked chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen. And a Chuck Norris movie to pop in later.
Thanks for everyone's help, it was good just to get my own anxiety worked out.
Ughhhh...Well, H doesn't have any anxiety it turns out. I sent the Coach note, basically validated and asked what I could do to help and he said :
I think I am sick... Every since the operation etc... I have a hard time telling if I am sick. That radiation did something to change my warning system. I always feel a little tire and sick anyway. I have a hard time telling levels of sickness. I think it has to be a sickness in me and my body is dealing with it different than you and the kids.
I will be fine.
ummm...okay. We have coughing sneezing snotty colds. He has anxiety attacks. Bleeehhhhhh!!!!! This is so discouraging!!!!!
Got off the phone with H. He is in a great mood. Working on a project with his brother (partner). They've been talking. H says he knows it's blood pressure/stress making him "sick." As soon as work was officially over and the phone stopped ringing he felt okay again. He said that's the way it was all week.
He said, "...well...I guess I'm gonna have to call the doctor next week. Brother said, do you want your head to blow??"
So in one sentence, his brother got him to agree to call the doctor and get medicine again.
For people who are newer to my thread...well, after the big showdown about 2 years ago when I decided I'd had enough and turning into a WAW...he got diagnosed with the anxiety and his doctor gave him Paxil. His behavior had dramatic improvement, enough that I stuck around even though I was sure I'd leave him anyway. Then he got sick and everything went on the course it's on now.
Of course he ditched the Paxil a while back.
OMG, if he will go back to taking it along with some of the changes he's been working at I feel like there's a much better chance.
So much going on, slow down and breathe! In trying to catch up I would agree with what Coach says about talking to your H and editing the email. I would also edit it down to a few sentences, after a while he probably isn't listening/reading anymore and misses most of what you are saying.
I agree with others that you don't have to apologize for what you did, the pt of focus is the state of finances and what to do about it now. If you/he wants to focus on your lying - save that for another convo b/c it will detract from what needs to be done now. Priorities. Lying isn't good - but focusing on it will not help to address the pressing issue of how are we going to live.
Had a good time with the fam...spent some time with the inlaws too.
Some FOO Fun: We were talking about H's cousin, a woman, who is in the process of building a house. You know, with a builder. FIL went on and on about how ridiculous it is for her, a single woman, to be trying to build a house!! He just can't get over it. A woman doesn't know anything about building a house!
I finally started laughing and said...but...she's an engineer. She has a degree in engineering.
He stared at me in surprise and then said...well, she's not that kind of engineer. She's just a plant engineer [for a gigantic beer company].
Even H was laughing. He's like that's right, breakaway, she just puts caps on bottles...
outside he said, hey, all you can do is laugh about it.
H and I had an interesting convo ourselves...he started getting grouchy and curmudgeonly himself when we were trying to make a fire, and I was getting aggravated as he was making his digs about stupid crap, and of course then he says I should just "laugh it off." His digs, that he admitted he made. And I said, it's hard to laugh it off when you aren't trying to be funny. And he got this kind of strange look on his face, and kept saying I don't want to fight. I don't want to fight. I said, H, I don't want to fight either! You are the one saying this stuff to me. I said, YOU are acting like a Grumpy Old Man. The guy I married was fun, and funny, and social.
And he sat up straight and said...I WAS! I was that guy. I've lost that. I have to get it back. I said okay, then, let's get it back. He said okay. Then we went on with the evening.
I don't know if I have the patience for this. I guess I don't have a choice, patience or not. But I feel like I will never reach my goal of just living in peace in my own house. Instead it will just be the slow process of Chinese water torture. I mean, we've gotten the big blowups under control...but the drip drip dripping continues.
H has not called the doctor...he's thinking maybe he'll wait til his latest BP prescription is out and maybe asking the doc to increase it. Or maybe it's too much coffee. Yeah, maybe it's too much coffee. I can only learn this much after trying to talk about it in the most obtuse, beat around the bush way possible, because God forbid we talk about anything directly, because the baby might get scared.
Meanwhile the dripping continues...I got home from work around 8:30 last night. He had made dinner (yes I thanked him)...but the crap started immediately. Little crap, but drip drip drip. He'd brought me a belated birthday gift that was from my SIL... He says...do you ever get her a present? In this ridiculous contemptuous tone, like I probably didn't. I said, yes, I usually get her a present...her birthday was in Feb. I'm thinking...wth is your problem, for one thing, I buy ALL the presents and cards for every person in your family. Where did that come from?
Then he says something about how, oh...he saw S10's behavior slip by the way...again, in this accusatory way. And I said, yeah, I left it on the counter. In plain sight for you to see. He goes well you didn't TELL me about it. I said, he was talking in class. I forgot about it as soon as I signed it. I left it out though. After a few minutes, I said, I haven't even seen you yet today...I just signed that this morning. Silence from him about that. I mean, was I supposed to call him at work and tell him our son talked in class?
Then he says, like he's challenging me, are you going to go over all his homework?? Um, okay, I'm eating a taco right now. He says well you need to check online and make sure he did it all. Okay, boss, shakin a tree, boss. So I ate my taco, went down and checked the homework list...looked at my email and fb and a couple of things for a total of 15 minutes...and came back up and they had both fallen asleep on the couch. So I set the alarm to get up an hour earlier, read a bit, and went to bed.
This morning I am sound asleep...and he turns on the light and starts saying Are you going to check his homework?? You said you were going to check it. I, of course, am like..whaaat? He goes you need to get up and check his homework!! Then he gets in the shower, so I'm laying there for about 10 minutes while he showers trying to wake up a bit. He gets out of the shower and starts badgering me again...I said what time is it?? He says it's a quarter to six. You were supposed to get his hw list online. You didn't come up. What time did you come to bed anyway?
And yes, I lost my temper because I don't like someone blindsiding me and getting in my face at six a.m. I said, I DID get his list, I was down there for 15 MINUTES, YOU WERE SLEEPING, and I WENT BED AT 9:30.
Then I get the hand over the heart routine...don't shout at me. I just asked you a question. I said get off my back. Well, he says, I don't know why you are such in a bad mood...blah blah blah. I ignored him. Meanwhile S10 has gotten up and we sit down to go over his assignments. H comes back and starts again about how he didn't do anything, he doesn't know what my problem is, blah blah...I said I don't like getting nagged before I've even opened my eyes in the morning, you started blasting me while I was sleeping! Now leave me alone. He started saying something else and I told him to shut up. That was bad, I know. Then he went to work. Why he has to go to work an hour early this week is a mystery to me.
Now he keeps calling me about stupid stuff...hi sweetheart, I just wanted to let you know XYZ. I'm thinking, are you for real? I'm just sick of this. I'm sick of not being able to have an open honest conversation...I'm sick of him going into some kind of "a-ha!" mode like he's trying to catch me out on something, anything. I realized I had to spend all weekend trying to manage this crap...of course, I must always handle everything smoothly and without rancor and set my boundaries and be calm and mature and respectful and not do anything to upset the baby because then baby might feel bad about himself.
He was going off on some facebook rant again over the weekend, and says it's just a waste of time!! (my time) And I said well it's better than other things...and he gave me a look that could kill...I literally felt a trickle of fear in my stomach. And he said not to say that again. But he can bitch and moan and complain and badger about my every mundane move and whether he approves of it or not.
And there's no way to address it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do while he slowly drives me crazy. Over 1,000 meaningless small things that build up until I want to smack him with a bat. But he works hard. Brings home the bacon. Sometimes I think I wouldn't care if I never had to talk to him again.
There...that's my whining rant. Does he beat me? No.
