WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

"Mom"

You just brought a tear to your son's eye. Everything you wrote really meant a lot to me. Thank you.

So, it sounds like you have things under control with the boys and even though it is none of my business......it still makes me feel really good about that.

Even though we have never met nor "talked" outside of this board, I really feel that you really care about me and my boys.... that alone makes it your business. Remember, you never have to appologize to me for anything you say or ask or hit me with :-p

So, maybe your W feels frustration that the boys will not respond to her "authority" as easily as they do yours. My DIL tells the kids that they will have to face dad.....(which I don't like that, but I don't interfer) b/c it makes him the bad guy all the time.

She actually used to do this every time the boys would act up and still does it now. Even a couple of weeks ago, my 3 year old was freaking out in the car and she called to have me talk to him. It took about 20 minutes, but at the end of it, he calmed down and my wife just said thanks. I know it would frustrate her in the past when I she wouldn't be able to get them to listen and all I would do is walk into the room and they would step back into line. She said it felt like I was undermining her authority. I would remind her that she would either call me over or I would see her getting so upset, I was just trying to help. In retrospect, I now see how it built up more resentment each time it happened.

But from what I see by you journaling, is most iritation comes from something over how she did or didn't do what you wanted concerning the kids. What I'm saying is that I think your healing will not come about b/c this keeps "picking" at the wound. Even though the kids were not the reason for your break-up, it is now the source of your anger with her. At least, it appears to be by what I see in your post. So, if you could find a way to get past that area, then maybe you could start to heal where your true source of pain is coming from. Whether or not you have a future with her, you will still want to feel free of that pain.

I do agree that the greatest source of pain of this nonsense is the impact on my boys. I never knew my dad as he left when I was 1 month old and never heard from him. I know the emptiness I felt of not having that role model (not that I think he would have been a good one) when I would see other families. I had promised each of my boys on the day they were born I would always be there for them and love them forever. I still plan on keeping that promise - even if I'm not with their mother.

I do believe that I've managed to forgive myself and now habe been dealing with the hurt and betrayal of what she has done to me. I'm still angry about it but it doesn't eat at me all the time. The hurt that does keep getting ripped open is with my boys. When they say something about how they wished it was back to "normal" or how it makes them "sad/angry" or when they pray for mommy to come home. It really hurts me and then gets me mad and upset again.

I know that the best thing I can do for the boys is show them how I am strong and how they can be as well. This is a crappy situation that the 3 of us did not want, but I will teach them how to survive and thrive as better boys/men. I will have to.

I don't know if I recall a man who has been a dedicated toward his kids as you have. If you and W ever get back together, it will be a wonderful reunion to have your family complete. If you don't get back with her, then you will find another woman who will be blessed to have you in her life. You have a lot to give.....don't ever forget that.

"Mom"

I don't want to say I've given up on the dream of getting my family back together, but I've now moved it to the other pile of dreams that I do not think I will get (i.e. retiring at 45). It doesn't mean that I don't want it anymore, it's just that I'm not going to live my entire life with the expectation, just to be constantly disappointed.

Thanks for the reminder that there is another world out there. I know I will always be connected with their mother and I know I will see her in the future at the boys milestones. I would have liked to be there with her as husband and wife, but I know I will be ok if we are there as just the mother and father.

Even though you've brought a tear to my eye a few times as I read your post and as I wrote this, I do so appreciate all your support and know that you will be there regardless of where this heads....

Thanks