WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

"Mom"

You just brought a tear to your son's eye. Everything you wrote really meant a lot to me. Thank you.

So, it sounds like you have things under control with the boys and even though it is none of my business......it still makes me feel really good about that.

Even though we have never met nor "talked" outside of this board, I really feel that you really care about me and my boys.... that alone makes it your business. Remember, you never have to appologize to me for anything you say or ask or hit me with :-p

So, maybe your W feels frustration that the boys will not respond to her "authority" as easily as they do yours. My DIL tells the kids that they will have to face dad.....(which I don't like that, but I don't interfer) b/c it makes him the bad guy all the time.

She actually used to do this every time the boys would act up and still does it now. Even a couple of weeks ago, my 3 year old was freaking out in the car and she called to have me talk to him. It took about 20 minutes, but at the end of it, he calmed down and my wife just said thanks. I know it would frustrate her in the past when I she wouldn't be able to get them to listen and all I would do is walk into the room and they would step back into line. She said it felt like I was undermining her authority. I would remind her that she would either call me over or I would see her getting so upset, I was just trying to help. In retrospect, I now see how it built up more resentment each time it happened.

But from what I see by you journaling, is most iritation comes from something over how she did or didn't do what you wanted concerning the kids. What I'm saying is that I think your healing will not come about b/c this keeps "picking" at the wound. Even though the kids were not the reason for your break-up, it is now the source of your anger with her. At least, it appears to be by what I see in your post. So, if you could find a way to get past that area, then maybe you could start to heal where your true source of pain is coming from. Whether or not you have a future with her, you will still want to feel free of that pain.

I do agree that the greatest source of pain of this nonsense is the impact on my boys. I never knew my dad as he left when I was 1 month old and never heard from him. I know the emptiness I felt of not having that role model (not that I think he would have been a good one) when I would see other families. I had promised each of my boys on the day they were born I would always be there for them and love them forever. I still plan on keeping that promise - even if I'm not with their mother.

I do believe that I've managed to forgive myself and now habe been dealing with the hurt and betrayal of what she has done to me. I'm still angry about it but it doesn't eat at me all the time. The hurt that does keep getting ripped open is with my boys. When they say something about how they wished it was back to "normal" or how it makes them "sad/angry" or when they pray for mommy to come home. It really hurts me and then gets me mad and upset again.

I know that the best thing I can do for the boys is show them how I am strong and how they can be as well. This is a crappy situation that the 3 of us did not want, but I will teach them how to survive and thrive as better boys/men. I will have to.

I don't know if I recall a man who has been a dedicated toward his kids as you have. If you and W ever get back together, it will be a wonderful reunion to have your family complete. If you don't get back with her, then you will find another woman who will be blessed to have you in her life. You have a lot to give.....don't ever forget that.

"Mom"

I don't want to say I've given up on the dream of getting my family back together, but I've now moved it to the other pile of dreams that I do not think I will get (i.e. retiring at 45). It doesn't mean that I don't want it anymore, it's just that I'm not going to live my entire life with the expectation, just to be constantly disappointed.

Thanks for the reminder that there is another world out there. I know I will always be connected with their mother and I know I will see her in the future at the boys milestones. I would have liked to be there with her as husband and wife, but I know I will be ok if we are there as just the mother and father.

Even though you've brought a tear to my eye a few times as I read your post and as I wrote this, I do so appreciate all your support and know that you will be there regardless of where this heads....

Thanks

[confusedinpa]

She didn't call last nite to continue our chit chat from Sunday. Oddly, it didn't really bother me. I took that time to enjoy doing other things (i.e. Monday Nite Football, talking with other friends, etc.)

One positive note was yesterday the laptop started working again. I made some changes to how her wireless security was setup when I had the laptop (I told her what I did) and it worked. The crappy part of it was when they called, I didn't have wireless access so I couldn't skype. My boys were really bumming as was I. I'm excited for tonite though!

So I'm another day closer to seeing my boys. My shingles are starting to get less painful. And skype is working again. These are the things I am thankful for....

[Tomato]

yo cipa

you are still alive afterall ..lol.

Have you started moving into your new place yet?

T

[sandi2]

You don't know how good it is to hear when a few things in y our day is going better! It's odd how we learn to apprectiate that, isn't it?

I do care about you and the boys, and I suppose that is why I tend to discuss more than just the M situation b/c it is about your "life". I would like to think that is what we are here for.....about each other's life.....whatever that includes.

Oh.....talk about bringing a tear....you know how to lay it on!

I had promised each of my boys on the day they were born I would always be there for them and love them forever. I still plan on keeping that promise

The thing is, I know that is not fake and you're not trying to impress anyone. It is truly how you feel. You may have started out in life at a disadvantage of not having a father at home, but in the long run of things.....it had a big part (I believe) in making you the great dad you are with your boys. You know what you missed as a child and that is why you are so determined to try to make sure your boys have that. I'm sure it adds to your pain of knowing that there is a possiblity their parents won't get back together....b/c you experienced that when you were growing up. One thing about it, I don't believe there is anything that would or could take you away from those kids...and in return, they will not cut you out of their life when they grow up. I believe it works that way. When we keep them close when they are little and they know they are important to us b/c of the "time" we give them.....then when we are old and they are adults and we are wanting and needing their time for us, they will be there if at all possible.

I may not have had that much in material things, but I was certainly rich with a loving family and I don't believe anything in life is more important. That is why it breaks my heart to see young families pursue things that are not important while their children are so young. My mom always told me that my kids would be grown before I knew it and to appreciate them while they were small. Man, was she so right! I turned around one day and they were grown and had children of their own. Okay.....so now I'm bawling (lol), but we share something here that is important. I'm glad to know there are men/fathers still around like you.....and so glad I had the privledge of meeting you.

[confusedinpa]

yo cipa

you are still alive afterall ..lol.

Have you started moving into your new place yet?

T

Yeah I'm still alive. I was going to give you a buzz yesterday but with that cushy job of your's, wasn't sure when your week actually started. I'll hit you up tonite.

I don't move in until 10/12 - two days after my anniversary. Could be symbolic of a new start. To what, I don't know, but I know it will be better than where I've been at earlier this year. Now I just need to figure out a way to get my boys up here.....

[confusedinpa]

You may have started out in life at a disadvantage of not having a father at home, but in the long run of things.....it had a big part (I believe) in making you the great dad you are with your boys.

I know this was actually an issue with my boys' mother. My close friends who I had leaned on through this ordeal would tell me how frustrated they would be when she would complain to them about how I was with my boys. None of them understood it. I do understand, not that I agree, that she was resentful how much of my attention they had and she felt like she fell off the radar.

I do believe that is the heart of the issue which lead her down this path of cheating, lying and divorce. She was hurt that she was ignored and didn't feel like there was anyway to improve the situation other than out. That I do actually feel sad/pity for her. Not that it excuses anything that she had done, but I do empathize on how hurt she must have felt.

At times, I feel like I'm at the same cross roads. I was hurt deeply by what she had done to me and I continue to get hurt by the pain I see in my boys. So am I at the point where I feel the only way to escape the hurt is to move on? I don't know if I have the strength to keep trying, but right now, she hasn't made any move to do so, so the point may be irrelevant. That doesn't mean that I would if she did, but I'm not waiting to find out. I really have reached a point mentally and emotionally where I know I need to continue to move on with my life. I've put it on hold long enough waiting and trying.

Interesting enough, during one of the emotional "discussions" we had before she moved out, she had said that she had seen how much I've changed and am doing/saying all the things she had needed over the past years of her hurt. She just said it's too late, but got all upset that someone else is going to get to "enjoy" it instead. Back then I would "plead" with her to just try but she wouldn't. Now I truly feel that if she see's it and chooses to walk away from it, that's her cross to bear, not mine. She will have the regrets if someone else "enjoys" it.

So, if she ever does look through the door, I may not be standing there anymore. That will be her loss. That much I do know.

Thanks again for being "mom" :-)

[sandi2]

Good Morning, well between your post & Stuck's I just had a good cry last night. It is so heartbreaking to see men who truly want to be a good H & father and to see his W ruin everything. This is the case with you and with Stuck. I have been with Stuck around the time he first came on board, and as with you, I have grown to think of him as one of my boys.

I was pretty concerned about him when I read how he was being physically affected. I know you will check in on him and support him b/c both of you are going through the same things and can identify with the "man" issues you deal with.

Hope your day will be good. This is "hump" day and after this afternoon.....it will be a downhill slide till time to be with your kidos.

[confusedinpa]

I never meant to make mom cry. Sorry :-( I am concerned about Stuck too. He is like a brother to me as he has been there almost since day one as well for me. Thanks for all your best wishes. I know, like every good mom, you want nothing more than your sons to be happy. We will be. You can believe that.

Not much to report on the relationship front. We never talked more beyond Sun nite when she was chit chatting but I didn't have the time. I'm sure she's expecting for me to call, but that's the story of our marriage. I'm always guessing at what she wants - often guessing wrong.

I did make it a point to have skype ready (I skipped dinner to make sure I would be at a wireless point). I was annoyed as I text her at 7 to ask what time and she didn't reply. Then at 7:45 I text her asking if it would be soon as I didn't eat dinner. Just when I was going to call them at 8 I got a text saying they were starting up the computer. Supposedly they had problems as they didn't log on till 8:15 and the connection was really bad. I did talk with the boys on the phone while I was waiting for skype. I could hear her getting really frustrated saying about deleting a wireless connection or something. I tried to help, but she just snapped at me saying she's working on it.

I shrugged it off and just focused on talking with my boys. When skype did start working, the connection was really slow and kept dropping off. It was frustrating me as well as the boys. We talked for about 15 minutes or so on skype. It was really good to see them. Even if it was blurry and choppy video feed.

I spent the rest of the nite talking and texting with other friends.

My appologies to Tomato as I missed calling him last nite.

It is hump day and I'm one day closer to seeing my boys! Yeah!

[confusedinpa]

Just more journaling. Not much to report on the relationship front for the last 2 days.

On Weds, I had a work thing that was late so I asked her if I could talk to the boys at 5:30 instead. She said ok, but when I called, she said she was on the phone with her mom and was on the way to pick up our 7 year old (the 3 year old was in the car already). I got the sense she wasn't going to hang up on her mom so I just said I would call the boys and leave a message for them on her apt phone. I did and told the boys they could try and call me and leave a message as well.

They did, but I must not have had reception when they called as it never rang. I did get the message though.

I called them Thurs morning (I sent her a text to make sure it was ok) and we talked. The boys were really excited about it being Thurs as they will see me on Friday.

I called them Thurs nite as well. They were tired so we didn't talk very much. They did do a cheer for it being Thurs and they were coming home.

She got on the phone and asked about my shingles. Then she started to chit chat. I was out with my friend for dinner so I didn't really feel like hearing her chit chat so after a few minutes I just said have a good nite and hung up.

I had thought about letting her chit chat to see if she will bring up the dinner thing I tossed out there for our anniversary but it really feels like she hasn't made any changes from a communication front. She still goes on round about tangents and stays very subtle where I feel like I need to guess all the time.

So I will see my boys in about 5 hours! Yeah!

[confusedinpa]

Well, that was a short lived good moment. Just got a notification that she's filed for more child support. Guess that's her payback for not giving her the loan....

Unbelievable. Like $2K/month wasn't enough....

I got to call my lawyer on Mon.....

FIDO!!!!