I will tell you this, and this is a pattern that i have noticed here.
Around the 5-7 month mark, there is a period of time where we find another source of anger from within ourselves as standers...
It usually centers around acceptance that there really isn't a magic pill to fix this.
The reality of what is happening slaps us in the face.
That is the time when we really start to detach. Don't let that build inside of you too much, it is normal.
What you will find is that, after some hard thinking, you will realize that what is going on IS a gift to you also, and you will soon find a peace from within yourself that allows you to take another step forward for you.
A LOT of people don't make it through this next step you are looking at. This is the time when your vows may become skewed and you say that you deserve better and walk away being done.
YOU have decisions that you can make, and you realize that for the first time in a while.
This will be a time when you take another look into the mirror, and only then, if you decide to continue this path, will your changes "officially" become for you , and not to fix the old marriage.
This is a defining period for you and your relationship.
Yes....You do deserve better, but guess what ?
So does he....You BOTH deserve your vows....
Sickness AND health...
Spending a nickel here.....But..
It's easy to be good with things when it is all puppy dogs and rainbows.....the other is the HARD stuff...
It's okay to take some time for you and reflect, it is normal and neccessary....DO IT
That realization that I am for now the head of the household was scary for me at first, but I have been doing fine with it. Who knew I was capable of it? That is something that I am actually very proud of. I am way stronger than I ever thought I was, and am learning to do things I never thought I would (i.e. little repairs around the house, getting ready to possibly tackle some bigger ones).
Deep down I still wish he was still the one taking care of all of us, but maybe he will be again. In the meantime, I am doing what I can.
I am getting my focus back. Things are not so bad. I can do this!
Seriously, how did you get to be so wise in all this MLC stuff? Your analysis of the 5-7 month mark is exactly where I am (timewise also). That mantra that has been going through my head the past couple of weeks that I have been trying to SMACK out is that I deserve better than this. It is such a counterproductive thought at this point, yet it is so hard for me to make the thought go away.
I am definitely angry in ways I haven't been before. But when I step back and look at it from outside of my head, I realize that if I was in a crisis (of any kind) I would be devastated if he didn't want to stick around.
He does deserve for me to stick with my vows. So do the kids.
Interestingly, this "anger" phase for me has also made me reexamine myself the past day or two and the changes I have made and still need to. I do like who I am becoming. I am frustrated that some things I wanted to try/change/do I haven't yet. Mostly my fault.
I cannot tell you what a Godsend this board has been for me - all the advice and support has been absolutely invaluable. Thanks all!!!
Seriously, how did you get to be so wise in all this MLC stuff?
I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night.....;p
Also, I CHOSE to dig in an understand HER path as well as mine...
Originally Posted By: trustingfaith
I am definitely angry in ways I haven't been before. But when I step back and look at it from outside of my head, I realize that if I was in a crisis (of any kind) I would be devastated if he didn't want to stick around.
He does deserve for me to stick with my vows. So do the kids.
If you are gonna "dig in "......Do the work, you won't regret it.
Use your anger as a shield-not a sword.
Originally Posted By: trustingfaith
Interestingly, this "anger" phase for me has also made me reexamine myself the past day or two and the changes I have made and still need to. I do like who I am becoming. I am frustrated that some things I wanted to try/change/do I haven't yet. Mostly my fault.
YOU are the only thing stopping you right now....
Originally Posted By: trustingfaith
I cannot tell you what a Godsend this board has been for me - all the advice and support has been absolutely invaluable. Thanks all!!!
I`ve had my head up my butt these past few days and haven`t peeped out to help you! SOrry!
Ha! Love what Mach said:
"If you put clothes in the Washing Machine, Do you stand there and watch it to make sure it spins ?"
Really sums up how we can let ourselves fall into the trap of waiting and watching our MLCer for teeny signs of change!
Glad to see you`re coming on with the Man Jobs!
My VBF reminded me yesterday while I was whining that H is in pain too! Yes, they are. AND they think-some of the time at least-that their anger is justified too. They believe they are right.
Knowing that might make your heartache easier to bear.
Thanks for stopping by! I know you have big stuff on your heart and mind these days.
It is always a good reminder that they are in pain, too. It does make it a bit easier to bear, knowing that their turmoil is what causes the nutty behavior.
I know, I gotta do the work. The good news is I want to. Most of the time.
Paying it forward - trying to do that but I feel like I am not so good at the advice, not yet anyway. Guess I just need to be better about posting my support (which is there).
I know for me personality-wise (self esteem, too, I am sure) I have always felt like others have more to offer. In this case, I am not as "wise" about MLC so feel like others would give better advice. I know I am relatively new at all this so that will come.
BUT interestingly at a time when my self esteem "should" be shot to he!! it is better than it has ever been, probably because I have finally realized that it is not and should not be tied to what others (i.e. my H) think or say.
The "new" me has realized I have more to offer others than I thought and that is where I am trying to find ways to put that into action (esp in Real Life), to get out of my little microcosm and get involved in something bigger than me. It is just a matter of maybe even "faking" confidence to make it happen. And finding my niche.
Heck, if I can survive this MLC crap surely I can find ways to make a difference.
I know you have big stuff on your heart and mind these days.