WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[sandi2]

I am relieved to hear you say these things. I believe your boys adore you and that is so great b/c sons "need" to have that type of adoration for their father. I think fathers should be a hero for their kids. If a man is the type of father he should be, then he doesn't have to punish his children very often. Of course, their is a difference in discipline and punishment (I think). Being a man, your voice of authority probably has a lot to do with how the boys respond to you. My father did not have to punish me very many times b/c I knew to do what he said! I have seen this with my son and his children & then compared it to my DIL with her little meek voice (lol). They know by dad's no-nonsense voice that he is serious and they better take heed. So, I am thinking that you must have the same effect with your children......and that is wonderful. I say that b/c it means your boys will know when you are playing and when you are serious. Some kids have a problem knowing when their dad is being serious and they keep pushing the limit to see if he's playing and finally he'll lose his patient with them to make them behave.

So, it sounds like you have things under control with the boys and even though it is none of my business......it still makes me feel really good about that. I've seen so many young families go through what you are, and it breaks my heart....especially where the children are concerned. So, maybe your W feels frustration that the boys will not respond to her "authority" as easily as they do yours. My DIL tells the kids that they will have to face dad.....(which I don't like that, but I don't interfer) b/c it makes him the bad guy all the time. Your W may have to tell the boys she'll talk to daddy if they won't mind her (I don't know). Depends on whethere or not she has control over them. I respect you for telling them you expect them to be good for her, b/c a lot of men in your stitch would not do that. They would take advantage of using the boys to make her life as miserable as possible. That just tells me what kind of man you truly are, and I admire that about you. It must be very difficult when you are upset with her to tell the boys to be good and mind their mom. That takes strength & good character!

Back to how it is affecting the R between you and your W, I suppose that it is very common for parents to be jealous over their kids, but as I said before, "if" there is a future with her....I think at some point you two have to ease up with each other where your boys are concerned. Of course, if you ever suspect that she isn't being a good mother, then I say take her to court! But from what I see by you journaling, is most iritation comes from something over how she did or didn't do what you wanted concerning the kids. What I'm saying is that I think your healing will not come about b/c this keeps "picking" at the wound. Even though the kids were not the reason for your break-up, it is now the source of your anger with her. At least, it appears to be by what I see in your post. So, if you could find a way to get past that area, then maybe you could start to heal where your true source of pain is coming from. Whether or not you have a future with her, you will still want to feel free of that pain.

I don't know if I recall a man who has been a dedicated toward his kids as you have. If you and W ever get back together, it will be a wonderful reunion to have your family complete. If you don't get back with her, then you will find another woman who will be blessed to have you in her life. You have a lot to give.....don't ever forget that.

"Mom"