From reading so many situations here, I get a sense that often the WAS keeps contact with the LBS re: "homey" things. I wonder if that gives them some sense of security which makes it easier for them to be with "shiny new person"?
Do you think that really Dudess - are you saying that they keep in touch on homey things so that they maintain their bolt-hole to run to when things go pear shaped for them?
I'm just wondering if it's the only 'safe' ground that they have to play upon as they know that other topics may be out of the question. I certainly think that they are protecting their own a$$ets (or a$$es?) and many use it to remain in a controlling position over the LBS. That's just my two bobs worth, anyhow - perhaps it's just the way I see my own situation! Of course, talking about the pets is the real heart squeezer.
I wonder how your H is feeling having to make his own travel arrangements? Good that you didn't get sucked in on that one. My H always relied on me to make ours, mostly because I enjoyed doing it. He must be having a ball now, making so many trips back and forth interstate and doing it all for himself - all from a man who had never even been on a plane until he met me! I also wonder how he felt the first time he flew on his own - we always had a silly little ritual where we would hold hands on take off and landing ... just incase we crashed, I guess!
Glad that you got the new jeans and shoes! Yes, we all like to go there for some reason. Makes us feel good, so what the heck?
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
I understand not wanting him to want you for the practical stuff. I felt the same way.; I didn't want BF to come back for the lifestyle we have/had together but to want me for me. But I read somewhere (Not Just Friends maybe?) that it's not fair to expect that because the lifestyle is part of marriage. Anyway, I get it.
Have you set a moving date or still waiting to find out when H will return to the states?
I guess I can kind of understand that. Maybe it would be more accurate to say that I would not want my H to come back only, or even mostly, for the practical stuff. Our marriage got to the point of being almost all stay at home, no fun, no vacations, little sex, boredom. It just got way out of kilter rather than a blend of the two.
Still don't know when H will return. I don't think he knows. Because I can't count on him, I went ahead and put a deposit down on an apartment. The landlord was willing to hold it for me until Oct 1 and then I start paying rent. I will then begin to move things over there at a leisurely pace.
From reading so many situations here, I get a sense that often the WAS keeps contact with the LBS re: "homey" things. I wonder if that gives them some sense of security which makes it easier for them to be with "shiny new person"?
Do you think that really Dudess - are you saying that they keep in touch on homey things so that they maintain their bolt-hole to run to when things go pear shaped for them?
I suspect that in some situations,( probably not yours), the WAS feeling like they have a secure home base which isn't going anywhere, makes it easier for them to maintain an affair or stay in limbo a long time. Think about it - if everyone who had an affair knew without a doubt from the git go that upon discovery, their spouse would leave, I think there were be far less infidelity. And many affairs that did happen would be more short lived.
Originally Posted By: Eskimo Nell
Glad that you got the new jeans. Yes, we all like to go there for some reason. Makes us feel good, so what the heck?
They make me feel good and my ex-H told me they show off my ass great too.
Maybe it would be more accurate to say that I would not want my H to come back only, or even mostly, for the practical stuff. Our marriage got to the point of being almost all stay at home, no fun, no vacations, little sex, boredom. It just got way out of kilter rather than a blend of the two.
Oh yeah, I totally get that. You want to know that he wants you for you. And he should because you're awesome. And you deserve the marriage full of all the fun, vacations, sex and excitement you want. I think that the book was just pointing out that you are in a context and you can't be completely separated from it.
And yes, I agree with your thoughts on being a soft landing if the affair fails. Because it's human nature to take the path of least resistance and cake eating is just that.
Originally Posted By: Dudess
They make me feel good and my ex-H told me they show off my ass great too.
Yay! I hope you had fun at the event too.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Just catching up with your sitch, Dudess, glad to hear the jeans make you look good, I certainly feel very sassy in all my new stuff trouble is I cant buy enough new clothes quick enough..
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
After waiting a week, I emailed H asking again for his best estimate of when he will return so I can make plans. My light one liner for the day was that I had heard a great band at a bar in our very unsophisticated town. I closed with lyrics from a song about a country girl who left her little town for a life with the rich and famous.
Pick me up on your way down when you're blue & all alone. When the glamour starts to bore you come on back where you belong.
"Just kidding" I said.
This led to an exchange of emails consisting almost entirely of lyrics to country songs.
He replied with:
I was born the running kind. with leavin always on my mind. Home was never home to me at any time.
Every front door found me hopin I'd find the back door open. There's got to be an exit for the runnin kind.
"just kidding - kind of " he said. He gave a very vague response to my question. He asked again where I would be traveling to, because I hadn't answered before.
I replied with a more direct question - Will you will return in October or do I need to arrange for a petsitter while I go to Nearby State (not a place where I have family or friends that he knows of)?
My lyrics:
She laid her heart and soul right in your hands and you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans I guess to build yourself up so high you had to take her and break her down.
Stupid boy, you can't fence that in Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
It took awhile for her to figure out she could run but when she did, she was long gone, long gone.
Today he wrote: Are you moving to Nearby State or just visiting? Also said he needs some minor surgery so probably will not be back in Oct. (No lyrics this time.)
I replied that my trip to Nearby State was strictly for pleasure.
He wrote back that he leaves for France tomorrow. He had been trying for 3 days to make travel and hotel reservations and couldn't figure it out. Finally, the people he is staying with did it for him. I guess they figured that he would never leave unless they did. He signed off with "I wish you happiness" No further inquiry about my plans to visit Nearby State.
Maybe it was already too late to get him coming back my way. I suppose that might change now that he leaves the City where he was the Star of the Month with lots going on and many people around. What I am doing in my life is pretty much the same either way.
I know it's sad and disheartening right now, so I'm sending good thoughts your way.
I don't think the song lyrics set a good tone, gives him the impression that you're just sitting around pining for him. But good job on stating that your upcoming trip is strictly for pleasure.
The only thing you can do is live your life to the fullest. So keep up the GAL and wear those skinny jeans out and about.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Hey Dudess, Hang in there...maybe you need to save these lyrics for next time he emails you?
No inhibitions-make no conditions Get a little outta line I ain't gonna act politically correct I only wanna have a good time
Hope things work out. How long is he going to be in France? Is this to met an OW or with one? If not then I wouldn't worry too much about him because French women are not fools...they'll see his emotional baggage a mile away! Keep GALing!
He wrote back that he leaves for France tomorrow. He had been trying for 3 days to make travel and hotel reservations and couldn't figure it out. Finally, the people he is staying with did it for him. I guess they figured that he would never leave unless they did. He signed off with "I wish you happiness" No further inquiry about my plans to visit Nearby State.
Maybe it was already too late to get him coming back my way. I suppose that might change now that he leaves the City where he was the Star of the Month with lots going on and many people around. What I am doing in my life is pretty much the same either way.
Dudess...to him this is just a game of oneupmanship. Which, unfortunately, is probably his home turf. It really doesn't have anything to do with you, when it comes down to it. He just gets to protect himself in his old, ineffective ways.
What this note really told you is that he still can't take care of himself like a proper adult, he doesn't know how to handle the situation with you, and can't even get from point A to point B on a map without someone else doing it for him.
And that he's having minor surgery...(hint hint).
And he did fish to find out if you were "moving" moving, or just going on a trip. I don't think it necessarily means he doesn't care, it means he's trying to find out without acting like he cares. IMO.
Which isn't to say that all this doesn't hurt and suck really bad, because it does. Lift your chin up, he was trying to get at you with that message, you are way stronger than him. And he knows it.
