Help Me Bust My Divorce

[Buttercup37]

All good advice! She's going through a crisis(as is my H) whether it's growing older or a spiritual crisis or tired of the negative things in the marriage-most likely mlc is all those combined. My advice would be to treat her and her struggles with respect . You can't change her but you can decide what to change in yourself. Have you stepped back and looked at what you want out of life whether she is there or not?

[Fightin4mywife]

Thank you Buttercup. I do respect and am patient with her about her struggles. She actually does not see herself as part of the problem. She has no struggles, no forgiveness issues, no part in the breakdown here. She recently told me that the only sin she was guilty of was that she hadn't read her Bible that day! Unbelievable!

Now, understand, I give no energy to concerning myself with such silliness, but it does concern me for her sake. I know I cannot help her with this, but it is evidence of the wall I am up against.

Mind you, I am totally aware of my "junk" that has contributed to this marriage failure. I have owned it to her, to her family, my family, church, counselors, etc. I have made my life right by way of confession, repentance, seeking forgiveness, offering and or making amends, and doing those things requested by my wife, family members, counselors, mentors, God and the court. I can do no more regarding that aside from letting my wife have her pain while I patiently own my stuff each and every time she brings it up, and love her through it.

"Have you stepped back and looked at what you want out of life whether she is there or not?"

I have. This is very difficult as I have built dreams and plans with this woman for nearly 26 years. I have invested so much of myself, and my productive life in her and our dids and our plans and future. I know what I want. Right now it is hard to see myself there without her.

[Fightin4mywife]

Antlers,
Man I sure appreciate your input. Challenging thoughts that motivate.

It is so difficult to separate and detach like this and not feel as though I am abandoning my bride, my vows, my commitments and that I am losing hope and giving up.

Fact is though, I really do not want the former. I don't want life how it was. I don't think God wants that for us. I believe we are supposed to have a new relationship, with all the right motives, feelings, emotions, purposes, and behaviors in place and understood. If it takes divorce to get us there then so be it. I just wish I could "know" that that is what is going on.

[Forrest Gump]

"I believe we are supposed to have a new relationship, with all the right motives, feelings, emotions, purposes, and behaviors in place and understood."

So.. now you have a goal.

"I just wish I could "know" that that is what is going on."

Don't trust your instinct. "Knowing" will not change things to the extent you think it will. It will just make you lazy... again.

[Fightin4mywife]

Yes, a goal. Seems far too lofty however. I exercise patience and get trampled. I am having to take a pro-active position in regards to this divorce and protect myself on some legal matters. Still feels as though I am abandoning my commitment and my hope. I feel lost.

[Fightin4mywife]

I am feeling forced to take a more pro-active role in this divorce. In other words, rather than just letting my wife divorce me, and get everything she wants along the way, I am inclined to believe I need to be putting my foot down.

Because I don't want the divorce and so have not been challenging her on any of the legal stuff or regarding her demands, she has just been rolling over me. She wants me out of the house, she takes me to court and gets it. She wants more money, she takes me to court and gets it.

I've been advised by my attorney to proceed with the divorce as it is the only way to stop the bleeding. I just feel as though this is doing the opposite of what I am wanting. But is it proper DBing. She needs to be cut off as she is sapping me and cooperating on her terms seems to be enabling her.

I have finally requested mediation and a final hearing. I feel as though I am sending her the message that I give up. That I want divorce also. Is this dangerous or can it have a good effect? Help

[antlers]

Don't make decisions based on emotions. Don't rollover. You can't stop her from divorcing you, but don't 'help' her divorce you! I know it hurts. Respect yourself enough to let go of the people that don't value you. If you believe that mediation and a final hearing are in your best interests, then do it. Don't look at it as giving up either, if you wind up doing this. Look at it as respecting yourself, and taking care of yourself. You can't take care of others if you don't first take care of yourself. Good luck my man!

[Fightin4mywife]

Thank you Antlers.

I am choosing to detach but of course with minor children there is still some contact. She cooperates with me only so much as she is able to be in control, the very thing she constantly accuses me of (control).

I allow her to hurt me, but it does not endear me to her. I choose not to be bitter, but find it harder and harder to exercise the patience with her, necessary to see this through.

I love my wife totally and wish to see healing and reconciliation, but... her hatefulness towards me is beginning to get very old.

I struggle with the answer of how to proceed. This whole process grieves me.

[antlers]

Thank you Antlers.

I am choosing to detach but of course with minor children there is still some contact. She cooperates with me only so much as she is able to be in control, the very thing she constantly accuses me of (control).

I allow her to hurt me, but it does not endear me to her. I choose not to be bitter, but find it harder and harder to exercise the patience with her, necessary to see this through.

I love my wife totally and wish to see healing and reconciliation, but... her hatefulness towards me is beginning to get very old.

I struggle with the answer of how to proceed. This whole process grieves me.

Yeah, the kids make contact necessary, even if it is minimal. You be in control of you, and nobody else. And don't let anubody else be in control of you.

Don't. Don't allow her to hurt you anymore. It doesn't endear her to you either. You don't have to be bitter, in fact...don't be. It's not necessary to let her walk on you.

Then stop allowing her hatefulness towards you. Be firm but friendly.

The answer is compassion. Compassion towards yourself first and foremost. Then compassion towards others, including her. Care about yourself, your hurts, and be willing to do something to relieve them.

[Fightin4mywife]

What is there that can relieve these hurts. My grief is constant. I maintain connections with encouraging, and loving friends, but the reality of this loss is just devastating. I can be in a good and healthy environment this a.m. and tonight the loneliness sets in. Just don't know how to disconnect.