8 months into it, first post

[EJohn]

I'm journaling quite a bit, it does feel good to finally put this out. Kind of feel like I'm in a Lifetime movie.

So she left off with the "I really miss talking to you" email. I felt she was just playing mind games with me, so I didn't respond. Her email went from scathing to polite in a matter of hours, so I didn't linger on it.

The days went by, and for the most part were ok. I got my stuff out of the house, little contact with her. I was doing things for myself again. Bought new clothes when I could afford it. Went into credit card debt while trying to furnish my apartment. Nothing high dollar, just amazes me how much you spend on the little things for a kitchen! Was going out with my friends on the weekends when she has the kids. (she gets a babysitter and goes out drinking when she has the kids, doesn't seem right to me) I started whitening my teeth, tried and failed to quit smoking a few times, gonna try again. Signed up for a gym, trying to hit that more often.

I actually have more confidence now than before this mess started. It's strange, for thirty years I never felt attractive, never called "hot", but now I get hit on almost every time I go out. Not being arrogant, it's just so weird that I'm actually embarrassed. One of my female friends said that I carry myself differently now. Idk, just plain weird. I put up a good front around people, trying to show that I'm strong and that I'll make it thru this. At this point, I was done feeling sorry for myself and crying whenever something reminded me of her.

In August, she asked me if I wanted to go with her and the kids to a town about an hour away (yearly festival) because they were having plane rides, the kids saw the commmercials and were pestering her about it. I was working the night shift, but said I'd go. If the kids were going on a plane, it was best that we were both there. Plus I felt she was testing the waters. I took a three hour nap after work, and she picked me up. We had a good time. She dropped me off with enough time to take another nap before work, man I was tired. This was a Saturday. Monday, I get an email from her saying that she had a good time, and that it was nice spending time with me. She stated that she wanted to give us a try again, didn't know how I felt, and just wanted to put the idea out there. I told her I didn't know how to respond, and she just said, that's ok, you don't have to right now, have a nice week with the kids. This is where I started having problems again, didn't know if she was serious, if she was just using me, checking to see if her safety net was available, etc.

She again emailed me that she would like to give us a try, and that I had been right the whole time, she didn't blame me, she wasn't happy, and didn't want a divorce.

The next weekend we had our daugter's birthday party. We did it together to share the costs. It was mainly a kid's party at a bowling alley, and we had mutual friends there with the kids. We had a nice time together, and I began to feel like she might be serious. Sunday night, I replied to her email and said that I'd be willing to try us again. I know it won't be easy and that we'd both have to make changes and work hard at it.

Monday rolls around. I drive past her place (it's on my way to work) and his truck is in her driveway. What? Why would you tell you stbx husband that you don't want a divorce, and then have your boyfriend around the next day? Uhh. I know, cheaters lie. but that really hurt. I was a mess that entire day. I get to work, and she had responded to the email. She was going back to the doctor to go back on meds, claims her moods flip back and forth around her period. She says she knows that she needs to make changes and that she has to clear out people in her life that don't need to be there. I was hurting from seeing his truck there that morning, so I responded by saying, I really want to believe you, but it's pretty hard to when his truck is in your driveway. (mistake?) Emails go back and forth to the point she says that it's none of my business, and she's not going to go into the details about why he was there, and that I wouldn't believe it anyway. Am I wrong in thinking that it is my business? When you tell someone you don't want to get divorced, and that you want to reconcile, shouldn't you not have the OM around? Or at the very least, don't make it so obvious that he's still in the picture? (I don't take that way to work anymore) So I've basically said that if and when she clears him out, she can talk to me and see if I'm still willing to try us again, and that emails will go back to being strictly about the kids.

So this is where I'm on the fence. Do I wait patiently, while moving on with my own life, and see if she's actually serious? To me it feels like she just wants to party and play (that's all the OM is good for), and that when she's done playing I'm supposed to just take her back. I'm not going to be someone's number 2. I want to be with someone that wants to be with me. I just don't understand. I'm really confused on how you tell someone that you want to be together, then do the complete opposite. (just for understanding, I do not believe anything she says, and very little of what I see) I often wonder what would have happened if I didn't see his truck in the driveway, where would we be now?

Ok, so I've written a novel. Thank you in advance for anyone who's made it this far!