For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[WalkingMan]

I agree, bluerain, keeping tabs on my W's myspace and facebook has only hurt me more. I removed her from both after explaining why to her. She understood.

It's obsessive and will hurt. Often better not to know the details. Often they set the imagination off into even worse territory.

[bluerain]

Hi Courtney!
I think that you are doing better! Being able to bounce back from setbacks like the tantrum in the library is big... And really, you didnt need to get embarassed, I dont have kids, but after working with them for a while, I can tell you that everyone who saw it has at been through it with their kids at least once!

Does he try to make the discussions that you have fights? Are you being careful to keep your voice even and avoid explosive topics?

Have any plans for the weekend yet? (Im gonna get you out eventually! )

[courts0818]

Hi,
Thank you...I really felt great that I didn't allow the tantrum to ruin our morning. And I didn't feel like screaming at my H that if he would just come home and be with us that I would have more patience. I felt more in control of the situation, than the situation controlling me. And that felt great. Nothing works better than a deep breath and some logic to really handle stressful things.

I haven't tried to talk to him about anything for a little over a week. But, before that I was really bugging him about us. Yet, nothing was ever really discussed bc he always says that he doesn't know or that he's not going to fight about it/talk about it. Soooo frustrating. My intention was never to fight, but instead to openly communicate and get answers and information. We've never been good communicators.

He refuses to talk about anything - he's a WAS and that's how he "deals" with things - walks aways, ignores, refuses to talk or acknowledge. It seems like he doesn't even think he's done anything wrong. And no, in the past, I did not keep my voice calm - I was so frustrated that he wouldn't give me ANY info that I got angry, cried, and/or said things that were not nice.

So how long do I go with this no conacting him stuff? I'm only on 9 days. Do I understand this correctly - I should continue not contacting him, take a few hrs to answer his texts, GAL, be a little mysterious? Well how long before any type of comment or discussion is again brought up about us, counseling and so on?

ha...Bluerain - you are my GAL motivator. : ) As of right now, I just have plans for my newphew's football game. But, it's early in the week.

[LuLu]

Court- You and I are in similar sitch's and sounds like have similar personalities. The only difference is I have a 2 & 3 year old, am a SAHM and have been separated for 3+ months. The crazy thing is I have been doing the same thing as you and have been so inconsistent and well, emotional!! I play it cool for awhile and then lose it, haha. I can't stress enough doing the 180 and you must GAL. I also have my girls 95% of the time and they spend every night with me. There is/was OW, things are over between them but I think his feelings are still there. Major fog. Pathetic.

Back to the subject of Gal'ing, if I can do it, you can too. I have been having H come over to stay with the girls so I can go out at night. My biggest life saver has been meetup.com. Check it out and sign up for a few groups. Instant social life. I have a bunch of close friends but they are all married with kids. Sometimes it's hard to get together with them. Sometimes I'd prefer not to go out with them, as bad as that sounds. Meetup.com, check it out.

Please take these wonderful people's advice. I'm a major lurker and have been reading these boards a lot. You can do it!!

Make yourself read and re-read that 180 list daily or at least the days you have contact with H. DO NOT BRING UP THE RELATIONSHIP ever.

By the way, I tried NC and it was nearly impossible and kind of frustrating with small kids. Didn't work for me. My main things now are: I don't volunteer information about the girls or our plans (Be mysterious), I'm not as available for him and I do not initiate contact. I was finding myself calling him or emailing him for random things-kids related or house related- that honestly, really could have waited until I saw him next. He's noticing...

Anyway, keep your head up. As far as contact with him, the goal isn't to piss him off, it's just that he's not #1 priority anymore. You will get to him when you have time but you will not be pissy or cold, just busy or perhaps indifferent. Think of him as an acquaintance (sp?)not an enemy.

[WalkingMan]

I know I haven't gone more than a week without contact with my XW, but this is because of financial reasons. I would say be patient and stick with your guns. Don't be discouraged. I remember when I was a kid, there was a stray kitten that would come around and always run away when I approached her. I would leave food out for her and my scent would remain on it. Every day, I would sit outside and watch her eat and she eventually came right up to me. At some point she let me pet her. The point is that you need to be patient and let him come to you.

NOthing is going to happen right away and I know it's hard, but you have to be patient and work on you! Like they always say on here, time is your ally. Be strong and learn to love yourself and who you can become. Being happy is often a choice, and happy people are attractive.

Hang in there!

[courts0818]

Thanks for the very helpful and encouraging posts. H was over tonight. He visits during the week on Tues. & Thurs. He got here around 5pm. I made dinner for DD and I. I no longer ask him if he wants to join us - if he does, that's fine, but I haven't been putting out a warm, inviting invitation to eat with us. Just can't do it after being deceived and lied to. Anyway, after dinner I left and stayed gone for about 2 hours. Went to Old Navy and got a few things. Not that I'm going to ask him, but I'm curious if he wonders what I'm doing.

Lulu, it does sound like we are in similar positions. : ( Glad to have you post, but sorry we are both here. My DD just turned 3. I work part-time, usually about 2 days per week. So in both of our situations - you are right, we need to GAL. If not, we spend ALL of our time taking care of the kids and worrying about the relationship. I can SO relate to you saying that you've been inconsistent and emotional. It's just about impossilbe to not be - until we finally are able to release some of the stress and worry and focus on ourselves which has been the hardest thing for me to do. My H denies OW, but I don't trust him right now or believe him. I know for a fact that he's been talking to someone since all of this mess started. But, I can't focus on that right now, because it will shatter me to pieces and I am no longer allowing that.

I know what you mean about not wanting to go out with your close friends. I feel the same. In fact, even though we have been separted for almost a year, most of my friends don't know. I've only shared our issues with family, my boss and my best friend. I just haven't felt comfortable sharing everything with friends. And I know it's not healthy to carry the burden on my own so talking about things here is def helpful.

I did the SAME thing you did - contacted H for things about DD and the house when I knew it could have waited. Ohhh...the things I've done and said all trying to win back his love.

Thanks for the story, Sgfan. : ) I know, be patient. It's so much easier to say than do. ESPECIALLY when this separation has gone on for a yr next month.

I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job of being happy and demonstrating that. The communication thing is where I'm stuck and not with the no contact. It's when he's here...I can't really look at him, talk to him or stay in the same room with him. We haven't said more than a handful of words in a week and a half. I look at him and all I think about is being deceived and I can't come up with anything friendly or nice to say. Maybe I look like a b**** or the wife that has finally had enough - I just don't know. Maybe it's that I have nothing to nice to say, so I'm better off not saying anything at all. Or maybe I feel like I'll breakdown and I can't allow that to happen. He has hurt me so badly that I just can't force myself to be engaging at the moment.

I feel better just typing things out. Goodnight guys. : ) Thanks again, Courtney

[LuLu]

Court- Remember this, sometimes you have to fake it to make it. I was the same as you, I couldn't even look him in the eye. It was pure anger at what he's done to me and our girls. It has gotten better though. I told myself, if I can't even look him in the eye or have small talk with him, how are we going to have a marriage??

I just recently told our closest friends, within the past week or so. I couldn't deal with lying about it anymore. People in my Mom's group have no idea and I see them weekly. Only our immediate family and closest friends know, I haven't even told our neighbors but I suspect they all know. Only about 3 people know about the actual affair including my therapist.

I hate to tell you but your gut is probably right. When men leave a marriage they usually have someone to go to. Denial is ok. It's a coping mechanism, whatever you have to do to get through the day. No judging here.

Check this out. I kind of took the advice of Gucci. Check out his posts if you haven't. I've been playing his jealousy card. I've been indifferent and aloof with my h. But I've been very pleasant and nice & friendly. I have not called him or contacted at all for the past week, which is huge for me. Anyway, he knows I joined some meetup groups. For some reason, it came out that I joined the Single Parents group, which I did but have yet to go to an outing. He asked if I like it, I told him I did. For some reason, that group is bothering him. Maybe it should because there are some hottie single Dad's in it. I have no intentions on dating but he doesn't know that. Anyway, everything together has triggered something with him because last night I got my first call from him after the girls' bedtime in over 3 months and it was stupid stuff that really could have waited until I saw him tonight. Different is good!

Court- If he asks, just say I'm going out. Or meeting someone, remember the cashier can count as someone, haha. Be as vague as possible. I don't know about you but when we started dating my H chased me hard. My goal is to bring that back. I was a fun, flirty, party girl and I think it's time I bring some of that back (maybe not so much all the partying but a tiny bit wouldn't hurt). I don't know about you but when we had kids, I turned into the grouchy, serious Mom where my kids were my everything and all. I see my part in our marriage breakdown. Honestly, I didn't like who I became. I've acknowledged it and now I am working on it. I am thankful to him for this awakening. I'm not working on myself for him but rather for me and for my next relationship, whether it's with or with someone new. I don't want this to happen again.

[courts0818]

Hi,
I didn't have a chance to post yeterday. Took DD apple picking in the morning, but wasn't feeling too good in the evening.

Lulu, you're right...how can I have a marriage with a man that I can't stand to be around? I love him, I'm just deeply hurt by his selfishness and unwillingness to take any steps toward working things out. But...I can fake it and pray about the anger and pain and slowly work through this - which is what I've been doing.

The reason that I haven't told my friends is bascially bc I want an escape from everything - when I'm out with my friends we can have a good time and I don't have to think about or deal with what's going on. IDK if that makes sense. But...I spend a lot of time at home (not because I don't have a life, but bc I work part-time) so whenever I'm at home, I can't escape the fact that H is not living with us. It's always in my face - the bed we used to sleep in, the living room where we used to watch TV, the kitchen where we ate, etc...When I'm with my friends, I feel more free to just have fun and not be totally wrapped up in in my broken relationship. Do that make sense? And once my friends know, they will ask questions and I understand that - they would be asking bc they care, but honestly...I don't want to be forced to talk about it when I don't feel like it. For example, my boss is awesome and so supportive - but, when I'm at work she often asks how things are going and I just don't feel up to talking about it. And some of my friends have probably already figured out that something is up - I mean it's been about a year. Plus, having everyone's opinions just makes things more confusing - especially when I hear things like, "Dump that loser."

And IDK if I'm really denying an affair. Trust me, I have done a lot of investigating. You name it and I've probably done it - hacked into his accounts, opened his mail, put a voice recorder in his car, used GPS to see where he's been, questioned him, showed up at his "home" - all of these things HURT me and did not help me. I haven't gotten any real proof from any of these things (excpet from his cell statement). I'm not sitting here blindly and just "allowing" an affair to take place. I have looked an looked and tried to bust him. His cell statement and deceitful behavior are what I know for sure. And I finally came to the conclusion that my snooping (although totally valid) was only tearing me to shreds. And there is no way I can detach while still playing the role of a private investigator. Know what I mean?

I haven't looked at any of Gucci's posts, but thanks for the suggestion and I will. So, when you see your H, how are you pleasant, nice and friendly? I mean - what do you do/say? I haven't been able to say much of anything for close to 2 weeks now.

Yep, same with me - I remember when my H and I were first dating that he would want me right by his side, giving me hugs and little kisses in public. I, too, was a fun, flirty, responsible yet wild child who loved going out. I lost a lot of that and would also like to see SOME of that fun girl make an apperance. Without even really realizing it, H and I grew apart bc he was working a ton and I was so caught up in being a mom, cleaning the house and cooking. I know the mistakes I've made, acknowledged each of them to H, but of course he says it's too late.

...I'm doing well with this no contact, but the last couple of days have been hard bc he has stopped contacting me too. Guess he realizes that I'm not going to reply to his texts, so what's the point. He's supposed to be coming over tonight.

I've gotta run for now.

[LuLu]

I completely understand not telling your friends. It's nice to not have to talk about our crazy selfish husbands. I get it completely. I, like you, find myself lately not talking about it because I just need a break. I've gotten to the point where I say just that, "I'm tired of thinking/talking about it, let's talk about something else". You are so right. You have to be careful with who you tell. Their opinions can definitely affect you.

You are also right about the PI/detaching. You are doing the healthy thing and taking care of you which is most important right now. Your little one needs you happy (at least faking it) & healthy.

As for how I am when he comes over, he usually comes when dinner is ready or I'm cooking. Lately, I have had the radio on while I'm cooking and sometimes while we eat (180 for me). I sing, I dance, I whistle, I hum, I'm playful with the girls, I smile & giggle with them. The girls are always so happy to see Daddy. I join in sometimes and say, Yay, Daddy's here. I never start any conversations with H though. I let him initiate all conversations. Total 180 for me because I'm a talker. When he talks, I listen. I give him eye contact, I acknowledge and empathize with what he says but don't tell him what to do (I'm a fixer too).

After dinner, I get busy. I let him hang with the girls. I do something, anything. I usually leave but if I don't, I go to my room or do some chores, or read (internet, books, magazine etc) or talk on the phone. I try to be in a good mood or at least pretend to be.

I had to try something different because what I was doing wasn't working. Honestly, I think that's why I'm so interested in your sitch. I saw myself right there. One year later and right there where you are now. I know it for a fact.

I will warn you, it all seems so contrived at first. It gets better though, I promise. The conversations start to seem more natural and so do you.

As for the contact, I think the big thing is to not jump to his beckon call and don't initiate contact. You are BUSY remember? You will get a feel for what is comfortable and what is working for you. I think you're doing good though. Keep up the good work. You seem different from even a week ago. Different is good!

Definitely bring back the fun, flirty, responsible wild child Court! She wants to come out and play

[courts0818]

ha...yes, fun Courtney wants to come and play! She's been gone far too long. : )

But, it wasn't fun Courtney who was here tonight. I was in a bad mood I and even snapped at H a couple of times. All I can do is try harder next time. I don't know what it was - maybe just anger at the whole situation. I just can't believe this is how things are.

I'm not trying to be a whiner. I'm just so frustrated and fed up. It makes me sick that he thinks he can just pop in, play with D, be here for a few hrs and act like he's man of the year. By his attitude, I don't think he cares one single bit about how bad he's hurt us. And I don't think he cares that I've stopped contacting him. At this point, he cares about one person - himself and it's sick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm riding an emotional roller coaster tonight - so watch out! This coaster is flying. lol. I'm just upset, sad, hurt, confused, pissed and a variety of other feelings.

Okay...deep breath...I'm just having a moment, but it won't keep me down. I'm keeping my chin up, pushing past the pain that I'm feeling right now and will not let him ruin the rest of my night.