What I am "not" doing is "running" back, "falling over myself to get" back, "tipping through fields of daisies" back.
I am holding back.
And why?
To be sure that what I want is what I want. Not what I want for the kids. Not what I want for some kind of karmic justice. Not what I think I (might) want because I've convinced myself I (must) want it (otherwise why would I feel so bad?).
But what I want and need and desire at age 47, in this time and in this place and at this stage of my life.
In other words, I am making the exact same evaluation I made when I decided I wanted to move from boy-girl-frienddom into living-together-dom; and from living-together-dom to engagement-dom and thence to married-dom.
I am not willing to assume -- as some seem to -- the "staying married" is "best" for me. Maybe that was the case on D-Day + 1.
But now? It is, I sincerely believe, an open question.
I am not bound to a sacrament, Myself being the Grand Poobah and Head Mo-Fo In Charge of the Disloyal Order of Heathen.
I do not believe that my marriage to WAW lo these many days ago was ordained by the gods, the stars, or the fates; neither Jahweh, Capricorn in Mercury retrograde, nor Clotho brought the Persons, Mr. and Mrs., together and thus may they as a result be torn asunder.
WAW and I talked for about an hour last night. She has started to call herself my "wife" again. Why? It pleases her to know that she has a "hook" in me. What does that mean? She can't explain it.
She's flirting with the idea of suspending her petition. Why? Because the idea that there will be a court judgment "hanging over me like the sword of Damocles" bothers her -- it's not that she doesn't want to pay support per se, she just doesn't want to be told she has to pay support. "It's different, you see." No; no, I don't.
She's okay (for now) being, as @Kettricken [and I, parroting her] put it, a "prospect." I should keep seeing Miss Someone. I should definitely explore that. Because if that's who I'm meant to be with [NB: gag] then that's who I should be with. And if we are meant to be together again, We The Persons, then it will happen. What does that mean, exactly? She doesn't know, but she knows. You know? No; no I don't.
If we get divorced, I mean if the divorce is final, I don't think we'll ever get remarried. Is that a threat? No. Maybe. I don't know.
So I'm supposed to reconcile because...you want me to. Just like I was supposed to accept the divorce because you wanted me to. Is that it? Well. It doesn't sound nice when you say it.
What was it, exactly, that brought about this change in evaluation of Mr. SP Himself? Have we forgotten about his myriad flaws, faults, injustices, and the like? We can't explain it. But we were probably exaggerating. We probably didn't "really" want to get divorced in the first place -- we probably just wanted to be divorced, without all the argle-bargle associated with it.
Does it not occur to her that this makes SP feel like a second-class citizen? Hey, dude -- I want a divorce. Now go and have a sucky life. Wallow in it. Be really sad. I'll be in Upstate City Gettin' It On Like Barry Manilow. That it's a bit irritating, to say the least, to be the Fallback Guy? No. Why would it feel like that?
(Long pause; devilish eyes) You want me to f*ck you, don't you? That's what this is about. You want some sugar, don't you? No! No I don't. It's not that........ Okay, yeah.
(Shrugging shoulders) Okay. When? Week after next? After Fab MC#2?
Sure. Why not. For medicinal purposes. Yes. For medicinal purposes. 'Bye.
