D1: Please don't think badly of Retrou just because of my situation. It works for lots. I'm just afraid it didn't work in my situation. Perhaps he's/we're just too far gone. I did get an amazing new reconnection with my higher power and it's helping me with this really bad part I'm in now. I never expected this. I guess I'm just nieve or maybe I just want hope so bad that I forgot that this is far, far from being over, done and back to better.
I'm so sorry your W responded to you the way she did. Our spouses can be so hurtful. I cannot believe they mean it. They are so confused and so mislead. I'm not saying that I was a saint or anything but I really am a pretty damned good wife and a stellar mother. It just boggels my mind how someone would walk away and actually mean it. I keep saying that I know I walked away but I came back soon after and I was never cold, shut down or in any way out of his life. During that time he would've literally done ANYTHING for me to come home. That lasted 1 month. I came home and he was having an affair. God, how can things change that quickly. I guess we just have to hang in there. I know what you say about thinking "Just get it over with already!!" I'm sooo there but that's really the last thing i want. It's just this state of being on the verge of something horrible is so stressful and heartbreaking. I know he hasn't asked for a divorce again yet but I just feel it's so eminent. In CoDA that's refered to as Catastropic Thinking. But the signs are all pointing South, ya know.
The weekend was all about expressing your feelings to each other in a safe way so that you are certain you are heard and understood. We were doing well and there was just this point when I saw my husband shut down...I have no idea why but he says he just realized it was hopeless. That he would never feel the way he needs to feel about me ever gain. OUCH.
Kiwi:
The bi-polar/depression issue is the main issue with H and has been our entire marriage. He has a current doctor that doesn't believe the bi=polar diagnoses he was given by previous docotor, has him off bi-polar meds and convinced him he's not bi-polar. So, I'm really up a creek there. H will not even discuss his mental issues with me or let me weigh in in any way. The bottom line is that this is where my husbands head is at "I have no clue what i want or need in life. I know that I am not happy in my marriage so I want to leave. I have conceeded that I don't believe I will be happier leaving but I just want to leave that which is making me unhappy. So, I will leave my family and go to what may or may not make me happy leaving behind a broken wife and a devistated child. But that's ok because it's all about me and what I need and what I want anyway....even though I haven't a clue what that is". That's what I'm up against. Our marriage counselor once said to him and I that H was emotionally incapable of being in a healthy, mature relationship...he even questioned if he was capable of maintaining a true friendship. That is the level of his issues. The thing is, I love him and I married him and I'm really doing my best to love the man and dislike the behavior but it's hard. It's hard for all of us.
Thanks again to both of you. It was wonderful to come home tonight and see these posts. DD has a 102 temp, a double ear infection and the beginning of strep. Yup....and the hits just keep on a-comin'.
Peace...
Gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
