Looking For Help

[Looking_For_Help]

Hey GIMA and Sandi,

I hope you guys had a great day today. Mine was quite interesting. My W called me around lunchtime to inform me that she wrote a check and submitted it to daycare today. Well, this is nothing new...she does this every Monday morning. Very odd indeed. She then proceeded to talk about tonight's business trip and the fact she's got a cold. Again, very odd. It appeared that she wanted to dialogue with me. We chatted for a wee bit, but I had to go back to work.

One hour later, she calls again to ask if I was angry with her that she was going on her business trip tonight. I said that I was neutral...do what you need do...me and the kids are fine either way...this is no different than any other business trip. Again...very odd behavior by my W. She sounded rather pathetic.

So at the end of my work day I picked up the kids from school and headed home. As I pulled into the driveway...there was my W's car in the driveway. What is she doing home? She was supposed to be on the road by now. Well, she told be she was too ill to go on her business trip.

I guess she's trying to open up to me in her own little way. Maybe just testing the water. I'll take these as additional positive steps. Just 18 days till Retrouvaille...I feel like NASA.

-LFH

[givingitmyall]

Just be cool. If she wants to talk, then talk. If she wants space....you know what to do.

[sandi2]

d1adsl5a,

I know that to you this has seemed like a thousand years, but to a WAW it is a very short time since the bomb was dropped. This is going to take much more patience. You have to evaluate to see if it is worth the effort.....and if it is, then work your tail off aNd you won't be sorry.

[MrGreenEyes]

You should make a communication plan. Decide how you want to handle specific topics. Know if you get defensive and learn how to stop that. Do not try and fix anything. This is mars and venus stuff, Mr Gray has a lot to say about this.

I am in a situation like yours my wife told me everything I need to make progress but only after I learned how to listen. I do not mean literally. I am telling you the male filter is there and you have acknowledge it. I am a technical person and my job is to solve problems, it is very linear; this is not natural for me. I am good at fixing things, but I fall down here.

I know this sounds non-masculine but journaling helps me. If you live with her then you have to be careful because you may write stuff down you would not her to read. I know I would not want her to read what I wrote. Lock it up if you have to.

I plan my reactions ahead of time based on our past and I know how I want to behave in certain situations. After a while, it becomes natural. At first, she will notice the difference and you have mentioned that she has. This is good, after a while you wont think about it and she will accept it as the new you.

This small talk is good, that means at some level she is trying to connect with you. When a woman starts asking you questions she may want you to ask her some. You have to know what to ask though. You are communicating like a man to another man. You have chance to show her appreciation for paying child care, to show her you care by wishing that she gets better. Asking you if you were angry and you were clearly not, man that is a big one. I would have trouble deciding where to go with that one, there are so many directions. The most obvious question would be are you upset that you have to leave?

That brings up another point, look for the opportunities to keep silent and to speak and act. You would be surprised at how much opportunity you have to show her you love her. I am seperated, so I have to make all our time count. I guess that is undivided attention and being in the moment and available.

It sounds like you are doing some good things. Keep it up.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hey MrGreeneyes...thanks for your post...I understand what you're talking about.

I have not posted in several days b/c nothing much has really happened. My W seems to be retreating again, but it's nothing I didn't expect. I just go with the flow. It's only 14 days till Retrouvaille.

My son had his soccer match this evening...I had alot of fun coaching his team. My wife's parents were in attendance and later stopped by our house. I talked with my FIL for about an hour...just small talk. After they left, my W put a chicken in the oven for me for dinner while she had some soup. I made dinner for the kids prior to the soccer match.

My W wasn't very talkative this evening and retreated to her bedroom quite early. She went to bed without saying goodnight. I'm the one who still has to initiate the "hellos, goodbyes, and goodnights." Sometimes it feels like I'm living with teenager.

I noticed my W finally returned the 5LL book I gave her to read a few months ago. She placed the book into the top drawer of my chest. She didn't say a word about it. I wonder if she really read the whole book or simply gave up on it. I do know that it has been in her work bag and with her all this time.

Anyways, I'm feeling a little deflated tonight. I have some golf planned for this weekend to keep me occupied and perk up my spirits.

Thanks,
LFH

[givingitmyall]

Anyways, I'm feeling a little deflated tonight. I have some golf planned for this weekend to keep me occupied and perk up my spirits.

Make a promise to yourself not to think about W or the M issues while you are on the course. Just enjoy being outside on a golf course. Try to notice parts of the course you haven't before.

Oh, and hit a lot of fairways and make a lot of putts.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hey GIMA...will do.

I guess I'm currently in a state of confusion. One part of me wants to do whatever it takes to save my marriage, especially for the sake of my kids. I'd be willing to accept my W regardless of her faults.

The other part of me simply wants to start a new life. Deep down I know my W is not going to change her ways in the manner I've changed mine. Do I really want my old W back? I want to have a loving and fulfilling relationship.

I know that my confusion is being brought on by fatigue, frustration, and resentment. I just keep telling myself that it's now only 14 days to Retrouvaille. I'll have my closure one way or another.

Thanks,
LFH

[sandi2]

She didn't say a word about it. I wonder if she really read the whole book or simply gave up on it.

Don't ask her about it. If she wanted to discuss it, she would probably not slipped it in the drawer. She'll bring it up if she decides to express her POV.

Your fatigue is caused from you constantly watching the temp of the MR. That is one reason you are having feelings at times of moving on to a new life. In some ways, you want to be the WAS b/c this M is geting too dang hard! It isn't pleasant anymore and there sure isn't much love spread around, right? But, it is all your exhusted emotions that have you pulled down. In spite of you trying as hard as you can to detach.....and even convince yourself that you are.....until you stop feeling the strain from the R, then you are not detached.

Let me tell you how I know. B/c in the beginning of the breakdown of my MR, I would notice who said good-by, hello, or goodnight first. I kept a gauge on all of these things and it burned inside my guts.....just like it is you! But, when I pulled away, then I didn't really care anymore. That is the part you have to kind of watch out for if you plan to stand for the M, b/c you can reach that point of no return if you detach enough. At least that is what some have said their experience has been. I know it was difficult for me to try to get back into that habit again.....b/c my H waited for me to be the one to make the first move and it got pretty tiring to me.....but I understood his reason. My point is, when I was in that detaced mode.....it didn't bother me. Who cared? I was involved in my own world. Sounds selfish and you don't want to get to the place I was, but neither do you want every little move she makes affect you the way it is doing right now. You are actually counting down the days to leave for the retreat. I understand, but it is very hard on you mentally, physically and emotionally. You don't want to be too sick to go when the time finally gets here. Maybe you need to retreat to the bedroom first for a few nights so you can try to rest.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hi Sandi,

I just returned from the golf course and noticed your post. I agree with you on all of your points. I do the best I can keeping myself occupied so that I don't focus on the R. I don't think anyone on this board keeps themselves as busy as I do. But yes...I am not detached, even when I've convinced myself that I am. I am ready to be the WAS, but Retrouvaille is right around the corner. This is very hard, yet I'm not giving up.

You are very familiar with my situation. What is your take on my W? Is she just hanging around for the sake of the kids? Is she still very confused? Is she trying to open up in her own little way? Is she monitoring my every move? You mentioned that my W "still wants to hang on to me." What makes you believe this way? What should be my strategy over the next two weeks as I wait for Retrouvaille?

Once again, thank you for your advice and encouragement. I can't begin to express how helpful you have been to me.

Kind Regards,
LFH

[sandi2]

What is your take on my W? Is she just hanging around for the sake of the kids? Is she still very confused? Is she trying to open up in her own little way? Is she monitoring my every move? You mentioned that my W "still wants to hang on to me." What makes you believe this way? What should be my strategy over the next two weeks as I wait for Retrouvaille?

I think your W is on the fence about what her next move will be. I remember how wish-washy I was when I could not make up my mind what to do. I don't know that she is trying to open up to you as much as she is trying to figure out what she really wants. She thought she knew, but now she's not so sure (is my take on it). The reason I think she still wants to hang on to you and not completely let go...yet, is b/c of the little things that has transpired that shows she has not gone completely cold. The little moves she makes to have dinner, when she warms up occassionaly, and most of all when she was jealous over the women flirting with you. That was the biggest clue that she wasn't ready to give you completly up yet.

As for your strategy, I would say to just be sure you don't allow anger, frustration or any of the other negative emotions to blow up in your face and would result in the trip being called off. The retreat is your goal for now, so keep doing what you've been doing. She may even become somewhat harder to live with b/c she will be very nervous about this retreat. She was the one who wanted to leave the M so she is wondering if she'll be the target in the session. She isn't so sure she completely wants this, but she did agree to go and I think she sees that as her "trying" to do all that could be done to save the M. (Just as you are seeing it as the LRT.) I don't know that she is "montoring" your every move, but when a M is on the rocks....it just seems that everything is very noticable. I kind of doubt she is as focused on you--as you are her b/c as a WAW she is still wrapped up in her world of fog. But look at it this way, the fact that she has not called of the trip to the retreat is a good sign, I think. Do your best to stay relaxed these next two weeks. This is not the time to test her about anything, bring up R talks, or pursue her. Keep doing what you've been going.