8 months into it, first post

[EJohn]

Hello all,

I've been lurking for quite a while, and felt I should finally register and post my situation. While I'm still on the fence about saving my marriage, this place has helped a great deal for my own mental health.

Background - started dating in September of 2001, moved in together in 2002, bought our house in 2003. Proposed in 2003. Wife got pregnant at the end of 2003, and we a had quick courhouse wedding in 2004 due to finances (insurance really). She's been married before, but it wasn't the wedding I wanted, planned on "renewing" our vows for our fifth anniversary (didn't quite make it though) and have a typical wedding...fast forward a few years...

We had two children close together, which was pretty stressful. Our marriage became stagnant, plus I was working a job that would tend to throw me from a nice 7-4 M-F hours, to swing shift, and then back again. This was hard on everyone. She also had changed jobs a little over a year ago. She was apprehensive since it was out of her comfort zone. Two years ago, her parents moved about 10 hours away, and it was devestating for her. She went on anti depressants, and I didn't support her enough during that time. I didn't think she needed the drugs, but was also unaware how hard her parents moving away hit her. Huge mistake on my part. Communication was always hard, she was a self proclaimed loner, and frequently pushed me away. I think at some point I stopped trying because it always felt like rejection.

Last fall I felt that we were just not spending enough time together, and that she wasn't spending enough time by herself without the kids. I was on the swing shift which made it difficult, and we didn't have a big pool of babysitters. (I know now that they were just excuses to not try hard, for both of us) She started to spend more time out with friends, which I thought was great. But she ended going out with "friends" from work. When she started to get really cold towards me, and make excuses to not go out together, I suspected the affair. She was going out and not coming home, would be very cold and not acknowledge my existence the next day, etc. This had started in January.

I finally confirmed the affair in March after about 3 months of torture, she'd deny and be nice for a while, then it would start again. The whole time her mother told me that she was in depression and that she needed to go to the doctor (knowing of the affair the whole time).

I, naturally, did all the things your not supposed to do, begged, pleaded, cried etc. I did not leave the house when she first told me the affair was real. I was stubborn, if she isn't happy, then she can leave. Why should I leave the house that I built, why should I change my entire life when she was the one cheating? After 3 days, I left. It was killing me, and since I had family close, it was easiest. Again, I did a few things you shouldn't do, started binge drinking, calling her in the middle of the night, driving by my house to see his truck parked in my driveway, not good.

April was a blur. We managed to speak to each other enough to alternate weeks with the kids, and figure out our finances so that we wouldn't lose the house. I paid half of the two mortages and that was it. In May, she had a consultation with a lawyer, but told me that she wasn't going to file. I said that I didn't want to get divorced, and agreed that more time was needed since this is a huge decision. About ten days later I was served papers. When looking at the papers, I noticed that the date stamp was before she told me that she wasn't going to file. Which was a little unnerving, but she had been lying for over 6 months, so it wasn't too suprising.

Brief rundown of Temp Order hearing 06/25/09 - she tried to take the kids from me, 100% placement on her part, wanted maintenance and child support, and the house. (I suspect that was out of anger from when I called her while drinking) I went with a 50/50 split on placement, no maintenance, and my belongings from the house. I won, so I was happy, losing my kids would have been devastating.

July 1st I was able to get my own apartment since I was no longer obligated to pay on the house. This was huge for me. I love my parents, but moving in with them wasn't ideal, and it was harder with my children.

I'm going to stop for today, getting quite long. I'll add more tomorrow.