Well, I didn't think I would ever be here...which is probably ironic when I tell you my story and how many times I HAVE been in this situation.
My wife of 11 years has asked for a divorce. This isn't the first time. We've struggled for the last few years. Our story is similar to many I have read here.
After the birth of our second child, her sex drive went away. We have 3 children, so it wasn't completly gone; but it was very different.
We got involved with swinging, which was a HUGE mistake. Furthermore, when we decided to stop completly, I continued to coorespond with another women that we both knew. She was clearly not happy when she found out. I never met her and have never had a physical affair; but trust was always an issue.
Sex was even less and we busied ourselves with life. We have a great home, great jobs, prominet roles in our community, etc... However, I started viewing online porn and looking at personal sites. Again, I never met anyone, but obviously I seriously violated her trust. She told me I was a sex addict and needed help. I went to marriage counseling with her and this never came up. It was the routine "take time for your marriage" counseling, which we did...and it helped for a while.
A month ago, she returned and found some sites in the computers history that told her I was still visiting personals sites. She moved in with her parents and we are currently switching who is at home with the kids every week. She has started the process to file for divorce and I did agree to file jointly, though I told her I didn't want that. I do meant that I want to keep her as a friend and co-parent even if we are divorced.
I also went to counseling and started talking about my problems. I came from an abusive home (physical, verbal, emmotional and sexual). I've learned a lot, but also realize how much I have to deal with yet. Again, she has not yet filed and wants to use a mediator and she is taking baby steps toward this, but also dropping signs (at least to me) that she isn't sure yet. She asks about my appointments and has called the counselor to talk with him. he has told me he thinks Kara has crossed the line and it is very difficult to bring someone back across. He did tell me that I am doing well, but also have a ways to go. I'm being honest and it hurts; but I really want to be a better person, however this turns out.
So, this is my week away from the kids and our home and it stinks. She will be staying at our old home (which is vacant and for sale) this week when she leaves. I think that is good. She need time away from her mom who told her that if she wants to divorce she needs to remain angry with me or she will never go through with it.
I am taking advantage of the "Last Resort" techniques. I don't know if it will work, but I feel terrible, and I should; but I really want to get it right this time. We are high school sweethearts and have spent 1/2 of our lives together. We have three great kids that are being hurt in this process (but we are doing things right there...50/50 custody, no using them as pawns, etc...) I am proud of how we are handling this terrible situation, but also wish I could trun it around.
For now I am focusing on being a great Dad when I am there and working on "me" when I am away. Anyone else have a story similar to mine? It's nice knowing I am not alone.
She has asked for my prefered date to meet with a mediator next week, she sent me two dates and two times. I don't want a divorce, but feel that to impliment the "last resort" technique, I will have to go through this process.
I'm so glad you came to this board. I know it is hard to be honest and tell everything...but that is the only way to receive true help and advice that you can apply.
Excuse my ignorance, but would you explain what this mean?
The fact that she is prolonging D is a good sign, I think. My personal opinion is that once a couple has gone the route of "swinging" that it would be hard to gain the trust other their S, but I am no authority about that. I would think that she has to have a time for seeing proof from you and know that you are striving hard to overcome your sexual addiction. Perhaps your therapist would have her come to a session with you to discuss how your childhood affected your MR.
In MHO, you do need to overcome your sexual addiction before you reconcile your M or you will end up back at this point again. I have heard and read that sexual addiction is one of the hardest things in the world to beat...but not impossible. Be sure that you have a therapist that is positive and pro-marriage.
Do either of you go to church? This information helps us to know more about how to talk to you. The more you can tell us, the more we might can help. Post as often as you can, and read other threads.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We did go to church, then stopped about 4 years ago. Since the breakup, I've gone back and take the kids.
The crossing the line refers to her making the decision to divorce...she crossed the line and made up her mind.
Yes, I know that she is doing little things that make me wonder about her resolve...she asks about counseling, asks about it. She has talked to the counselor. When I was talking to her she asked me to look her in the eye. I did all of that and then she said "I still want a divorce'.
I was abused as a child, as I said...and I know that much of this has roots in that, but also know I make my own choices and am now working through all of this. She's just not willing to wait. She told me to get help for this long ago and I never did.
It seems your W wants you to get help now simply for your wellbeing and not so much for the sake of the M. If she sees herself out of the picture, then she just wants you to get well and out of this addiction pit that you've been in. Sounds as if she's removing herself. But, how was she when both of you were into swinging? Did she like it or did she endure it to make you happy?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I guess she seemed to like it, but probably was enduring it.
You know what, I don't miss it either. Since I've been going back to church, I do feel better. I've been going to counseling and am making good progress the counselor says. I just feel terrible.
She is making an appointment with a mediator, so my hope was dashed yesterday when she emailed me that. I have not emailed her immediatly after gettting her emails. I wait. I email her politly and let her drive this, but give her my basic input (that day doesn't work, but the other day could...let me know when and I will make the time work).
I don't want a divorce. I want to be better, and am determined to be better. I miss my wife, I miss my kids.
I get to go back home today and be with the kids for the next week and she will leave and go to our old, empty house for the next week. I'm just sick.
Last night I slept terrible. I dreamt that I was begging my wife to come back and she wouldn't. I woke up and was crying. I hate this, I want it to end. I know I sound like everyone else going through this, but it feels so terrible.
I just want it all to end; but I also want to fix myself and am working on that. Talking to a counselor one week at a time is tough though. I have family and friends, but obviously there are things I can't talk to them about that I can with the counselor.
I think that most people probably have done something in the past that they are not proud of. My greatest shame is that I had an EA. I am M to a man who is good and kind and loves me more than any person could.....and I cheated on him. Do you know that I type these words and it seems like a terrible bad dream? Surely that must have been another woman....it just could not have been me! It grieves my heart to know that I brought so much pain to him, but I also know that I could cry every moment from now to the day I die and it would not change the facts. With that said, I think that you have to remind yourself on a daily (maybe hourly) bases that you cannot change history regardless of how much you wish you could get a "redo".....and you cannot change what your facts are as they stand today.....but you can influence what can be your future.
I have not been in your shoes, so I won't say that I know how you feel, but I do know how it feels to not be able to get out of bed and face the day b/c life is too hard. I do know how horrible it is to see the shock and disappointment on the faces of loved one when they discover the person that thought they knew.....turns out to be a completely different person in the end. A fake! A fruad! A hypocrite! Most of all, I know what it feels like to think less of yourself than what anyone else could possibly think of you.
I don't know if your C has talked to you about forgiving yourself, but he/she probably has. I know it was probably the hardest thing I ever did.....and sometimes I think maybe I've not done that yet. But, I have people in my life who I feel are "worth" me becoming a better person.....and in order for me to become better, I have to begin with forgiveness. So.....I try to do that--and move forward. No, I don't feel that I deserve forgiveness, but if the Lord can do it, who am I to think differently? I know what I have to do in order to give "better" to my family.
Whether or not you would still be into the swinging and the porn addiction if your W had stayed with you, may be something you'll never know. However, the facts are that you see this as a destructive lifestype and it has robbed you of the love you want & deserve. You are ready to whip this addiction and take power over your life. Sounds good, doesn't it? Yes, but hard to do when you get down to the nitty gritty work. We have to keep reminding ourselves of the "goal" ahead, right? I'm sure your C has talked to you about setting achievable goals, but you mainly want to become a man you like and feel good about. You hope that you'll get your W back.....and that will be a "bonus" if it happens. Right now, you are in so much pain that you can only think about her and how much you miss her. You would like to wake up and discover this has all been a nightmare. That brings us back to "facts" again. So, I want to encourage you to stay focused on "today" and what you can control today. Try not to worry about tomorrow. Just as with any addiction, I believe we have to take each day as it comes and do our best to use our self-control in everything we do. For some, they are trying to get from one hour to the next. I believe in dreaming of a wonderful future, but today is filled with "facts" for us to actually deal with. That is the only part of "time" that we have any control over.
I think so much of a man who will do what you are undertaking to do! You may feel that your W doesn't have any feelings for you, but when she realizes what you've accomplished, she will respect you. She has to have that level of respect before she will begin to love you again. I know that those feelings "can" return to a woman who thinks they are gone forever. I want you to hang onto that and believe that your work is not in vain.
If nobody ever loved you again for the rest of your life, just to feel good about yourself would be worth what you are going though to break this addiction, wouldn't it? I hope it would, even though you want your W back so badly. What I'm trying to say is to learn to like yourself before you grieve to death over your W not feeling like she once did. If you believe in God, then trust Him to help you, heal you, and give your W a new heart of love for you. It won't happen overnight, and probably won't be anytime real soon.....but it can happen if you'll not give up.
Please keep coming here to post about your feelings. It does help. You don't sound like everybody else to me b/c nobody's pain is like our own pain.....and that makes us unique. What you feel and what is happening in your life is important. There are so many great people here and want to support you. I hope you will stick with us--and your goals until you see a change in your life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I can't tell you how much these words mean to me. I know forums can often be faceless and they are easy to drift in and out of, but your words were worth the time you spent sending them. I appreciate it.
I know that I can be the person that I portray to everyone around me. It sickens me to think of people finding out that my wife and I are divorcing because I looked at porn and personals sites. I feel terrible; but I also want to stop it and I haven't in over a month and really don't miss it at all...of course a M crisis has a way of keeping your focus on what is right in front of you.
Today we told the kids that we are divorcing. Today she listed the house for sale. We've only been there 6 months. I was a wreck. I apologized to the kids and said I was sorry. I said that Momy and Daddy loved them very much and we tried very hard to make our marriage work, but that Dad made some mistakes. mom was quick to add that she did too. She was pretty cold and business like. She has one night left with the kids and then tomorrow I go home to be with them. I can't wait. I feel like I am in a fog and I just want to get through with it, but I am continuing to treat my wife with respect and honor. We have an appointment with a divorce mediator on Monday and we will begin the paperwork of divorce; we are both very focused on doing this amicably and splitting custody evenly. We're both good parents.
I hope that the 4 months we have between filing and the final decision gives us time to heal and re-evaluate everything. I know eitherway, I can make it...but I do love my wife and I want our family to continue on. hearing others stories really helps. I know that it is really against the odds right now, but I will keep focused on today and what I can control.
Sandi2, thank you so much. you put a damper on an otherwise terrible day.
You are so sweet and if only you knew what kind of day I'd had, you would know how much I appreciate your words.....(yours too, "futurunknown"). It makes me wish that I had the power to make everything right in your world again.
You spoke with such honesty and kindness that it really touched my heart. What you said about treating your W with respect & honor......I believe she will see that, even if she never speaks of it to you. I am so glad that you can show that towards the mother of your children, b/c they need to see it. I am also glad that she spoke up to admit that she had made mistakes in the M also! It was only right.
You sound strong even though you've had a very bad day......and I think that is a positive sign. Maybe it is just me, but I think that when we are feeling so weak is when we fall back into our areas of weakness.
I will check on you later. I pray that you will get some sleep and feel God's love for you. That always make me feel better if I can feel Him. As long as you have Him....you can make it, I promise.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
