Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Wow, big response,

First a few replies:

That's TV love.

Everything that she's saying is part of the script.

Yes, absolutely. I know that.

What is really frustrating me is that I am almost a year into this and this part of the script has not changed one bit.

In love = connection = fixable

Again, my frustration is her continued insistence that it not fixable, and her use of that as a reason for refusing to work on it.

Now is not the time to get impatient and frustrated.

Agreed. But I am. Very.

I feel myself starting to walk away. I am getting NONE of my own needs met - not even a little. I am getting very resentful and bitter.

She's seeking a feeling that has to do with her and her depression IMO...she projects it on to you but she is missing her self-love, her zest for life, her feeling of being inspired. It is her foundation that is off.

Stop beating a dead horse, she is just engraving this story and you should have none of it, IMO. Words will never convince her, experiences might.

What is she passionate about? What inspires her? What turns her on? Until she feels whole, you are just part of her unsatisfying reality...

You are right on, but what should I DO about it?

I don't think you are going to be able to talk your way into convincing her she's wrong.

Don't worry, I'm not.

It's very hard to see "better". I admit that I NEVER (use of the word NEVER is precise) thought/believed Coach and I could have the marriage we are building now. The models of "love" in my life were my parents (divorced) and falling in love with Coach (infatuation). That long term PARTNERSHIP was never shown to me so I couldn't imagine what it would take to have it.

I believe you. I don't think she sees it either.

Oh grow up, my sister! ... this is silly Girl talk.
... Give her my number

I wish I could. I wish I thought it would help. I am pretty sure a few other people have tried (I suspect her friends and sisters), but she is not listening.

Does Mrs. Thinker know about LL?

I don't think so. I tried to talk to her about it and get her to read the book 5 or 6 months ago and that was a disaster. She refused to read it, and interprets the theory as "trying to manipulate her into loving". Her response kind of falls along the line of "There isn't anything between us, so I don't want you to do things to fill my love tank". I asked her to take the test to find out what her LL's were. She took one look at it, read the questions (would you rather have your husband do X nice thing, or Y nice thing) and replied "I don't want YOU to do any of those things"

I do think that was a bit part of our history. For the first part of our M, I was getting my LL's met, but was responding in kind (my own LL's) and completely missing hers. She was also bored and depressed at the time and ... there you have it.

The only way she MIGHT change her interpretation of the past is if she were to feel differently today. But, and I know you know this, you can't control that through words (and, believe me, your list (below) is convincing to me as I would say exactly the same thing about my M, but it's irrelevant to her). It falls on deaf ears and pushes the WAS further away. She's telling you she wants to FEEL it.

Agreed, words won't work, she has to feel it.

And my frustration is that after 9 months, and after MASSIVE changes on my part, she is still clinging to "It's just not there between us

While I'm sure that post is the case at least some of the time, there are plenty of LBS here who will admit 1) that the WAS has/had valid gripes, 2) that they discounted the validity of said gripes until the WAS really did walk, and 3) only got serious about addressing any valid issues after the walk.

Yep, that was me.

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So the question remains, what do I do.

A) Go into hibernation and wait it out until Retro (which in my current state of frustration means avoiding her as much as possible, popping xanax to get to sleep, and counting down the days.

B) Openly try to talk to her about my needs in the R. "The old Mrs. Thinker did A, B and C during the first years of our M. I was deeply in love with that Mrs. Thinker." In the past 5 years, the new Mrs. Thinker has done none of that, and that has left me feeling very empty. I am not in love with this Mrs. Thinker (ILYBNILWY ?) If you are able to work on the M at all, please start doing A, B and C again.

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A second part to the "So what do I do?" question is more long term. How do you get someone to choose you? Right now I am still here - still trying to meet her LL's, still working to pay the mortgage and provide for her and help with the kids and the house and...

So she doesn't miss me, and I am always there, and she can always look over and lump the blame on me for whatever she is feeling.

And she never has to choose.

She never has to take responsibility.

What in the DB toolbox helps with that?