I agree also with Dia and Alex but can someone explain to me, how come some couples stick together and work/deal with the issues WITHOUT giving up or looking for what they need outside the marriage? I mean, except in some cases where there is booze, porn, physical abuse or problems in that sense, how come some couples stay together and are fairly happy together?
In my case my stxH blamed me for about 11 months before he moved out for everything, my character (horrible-mean person), my habbits (leaving my shoes by the door), my way of looking at life (pessimist), we were not compatible either and love wanst there, he even said we should have never married (we were alerady 4 years together and still crazy in love when we did) etc etc. I tried to approach him then with "love is decision" and I was obvioulsy speaking Chinese to him...
1 year after he moved out he said he didnt mean a thing. 2 years later (now), he says OW was the reason we split (the one noone knew about and he had been denying existed).
In the meantime, I spent a year in therapy trying to get rid of the guilt of being a bitch and a horrible person to him, for not "listening' and crying my eyes out for loosing the perfect man... To my cries that people change, his reply (and hers as I found out ) was: "people dont change, we are not good together"... (VERY STANDARD to most cases if not all: rewritting of the history- btw it doesnt last forever)
Of course both people are to be "blamed". Of course LBSs need to figure out their role in the mess. BUT, problems exist everywhere. Even to the best relationships, what makes a difference is how people CHOOSE to cope with them, and most WASs, (most, not all), are looking for a quick fix, the easy way out, lack patience and are weak. Are easily influenced and treat spouses as cars, "the newer model must be better". And IMO people, show what they are made of when the going gets tough.
When me and H were dating, had tons of money, were travelling, going out etc etc things were...perfect. When the kids came, work became a need because of the family we had to support and our choices felt tighter, when we faced sickness and death, he chose to walk. With a new woman by his side (only he forgot to mention).
Lets face it, I have read tons of stories here, I am Greek and live in Greece, I have friends on here that live in Canada, US, Australia, England... All problems are similar. Life is the same for everyone. I cant say WE were specially bruised by life, or faced problems no man had previously encountered... Life is not always easy. But it can be fun to fight with a partner by your side. It can be fullfilling and meaningful. Most WASs, fall in the trap of "solving the problems by running away". People have a different level of "tolerance of pain and difficulties" and not the same persistance. People were raised in different families that taught them different values or even simplier, different ways to cope with difficulties. And some of them, cant face life. They run away from it. Temptation will always be there, low points will be "hit", what you do is a choice you make.
I honestly believe some of them have no idea of what they cause and the consequences they will face. I call them "naive", immature (in my head it doesnt mean stupid, it means lack of experience). My stbxH says now I am the most important person in his life, she means nothing to him, he fel in love with the state he was in, not her... It took him 3 years and if I wasnt true we would be long divorced by now. But I was different and managed to keep it together and saw this as a fight. And despite the fact that I plan to divorce him, I feel so good and proud about myself -even though I have made many mistakes- because of the way I handled this. I know what I am made of. My kids will know what their mom is made of. I can tell the next man I meet he can trust me and I will never wonder if he can indeed trust me... K
Btw, I think stxH will be a much better partner in his next relationship, he grew up, only we all had to pay a high price... Our M/D probably made him an emotionally inteligent man whose next GF/W will probably leave him LOL
) was: "people dont change, we are not good together"... (VERY STANDARD to most cases if not all: rewritting of the history- btw it doesnt last forever)
LOL
