Old "newbie" needs help FAST!!! Please respond!!

[Lotus]

Gina,

If his problem is mental illness, then a program like Retrouvaille can't cure that. Why is he not on medication for the bi-polar? At this point he needs to focus on getting help for his depression and moderate his mood swings. You are right to not take the new bomb seriously, it has to do with his condition, not the marriage.

[ginab1966]

Ok everyone, another very tough few days. He has never said what he wanted to talk about and went out on Saturday night coming back just two hours later and going straight to bed….our bed. I thought he would be sleeping on the couch, or so he said. Then yesterday I was out most of the day with our DD grocery shopping and then when we came home he told me within 5 min of me getting there that he was going to move a friend of a friend. He left at 2, came back home at 6 with a new shirt on and a WalMart bag. He said they canceled moving and he just walked around WalMart for an hour or so, went to GameStop and had lunch at Panera. He sat down with us to have dinner and made pleasant conversation. He then went downstairs to play computer games and I did the whole bedtime routine with DD. He then comes to bed in our bed again and starts making small talk about his new PX90 work out routine, how sore his muscles are, yadda, yadda, yadda. I’m not talkative and don’t say much but don’t act grumpy or anything. I’m just “there”.

He lays on me today in a text message that he’s not going to the country fair that we were going to this weekend (planned for a month to go just he and I for our anniversary). He texted that he’s “not feeling like going to the Big E”. I respond “Ok. I will take our DD instead”. He says fine and end of convo. Then he texts me that he forgot to tell me that he’s not going to his psych appointment tonight and going on his bowling league instead and not to wait up.

This means he has seen is daughter a total of 2 hours since Friday night. She was crying that he didn’t take her to school today and I told her she would see him tonight to make her feel better. I realize now that I have to detach. I know either something big is coming down the line from him (the bomb dropping) or just a pretty serious pull away. I know what I’m supposed to do. I need to lovingly detach per CoDA and per DB. I’m just having a hard time knowing what to do when he is all chatting laying in the bed next to me and acting like I’m his buddy. How do I handle that? Just be quiet and say very little? Should I do a 180 and move out of the bedroom? I did a BIG 180 this weekend. When he told me he was quitting retrouvaille post sessions, I just said “ok”. I did do any of my normal begging. Then when he said he wasn’t going to fair I said “ok” again. Then when he changed plans tonight, I just said “ok” again. Normally this would’ve been met with temperature taking and lots of re-negotiating, etc. Inside I’m panicing over the pretty severe 180 that he has taken and I’m just doing my best to just stay in control. I could really use some encouragement, advice, help.

There is part of me that wants to burst out “If you want to leave and you are so miserable….LEAVE and STOP TORTURING ME!!! Get it over with. You wanna be so independent then leave and then you won’t have someone who manages every detail of your life…JUST LEAVE” Honestly, I think that him leaving is almost a good thing because maybe he has to leave to realize what he’s got. I’m not giving a chance to miss me or her or anything because I still take care of EVERYTHING.

Tonight I’m going to go home with DD and play games, put her to bed, give myself a facial, a pedicure and work out. That’s the plan for what I’m going to do for me to keep me happy.

Thanks for listening and weighing in…God, I thought we were past all this.

Gina B

[d1adsl5a]

Hey GinaB. I am so sorry that things are heading in the wrong direction. I am sorry that it will be hard on you and your daughter if it doesn't turn around.

One thing I would say is that I don't need your pity. You are not his doormat waiting around until he feels you can handle it. You have and can handle more than you know Gina.

At the rate my W and I are going, we won't make it to Retro on Oct. 23rd. Today I got the I have no feelings for you whatsoever. I don't love you at all and can't see myself feeling that way again. I know you have changed, but too little, too late...When I respond with, just call it now What is the point if you are done with our marriage? She says, 5 months is still to early to just get a divorce..I think she is just trying to show her family that she is trying...

I too am starting to pin my hopes on Retrouville. What did the weekend entail? What is it do think that pushed your H in the other direction?

I guess that I was foolish to think that a weekend like this would turn things around.

[KiwiMan]

Hi Gina,

I have read your sitch and what seems to happen with most situations on here is there are almost cycles... The bi-polar probably doesn't help in your case.

My wife at the moment seems to go hot and cold all the time. Although currently it is a warm phase. Remember that they are going through the stage of "Is the grass really greener?", and unfortunatly there is nothing we can do to change their mind.

My wife even said to me last night that if we tried again she would feel like she would lose her freedom, to which i responded she would still be able to do what she wants to a certain extent while we worked on the marriage but we were to be faithful during that time.

I only mentioned that because quite often they drop the bomb, then really enjoy the first few weeks or period thinking that it feels so good to not have responsibility to another person, even the kids get affected.

The problem is also, sometimes by the time they have figured oiut a big mistake has been made. We will have moved on because of the pain this person causes you during the whole seperation.

I don't know if this helps much, but I seem to see so many similar patterns in alot of the Walk away Spouse posts.

Take care of yourself and Daughter, and I hope he eventaully sees the way. Also, is there anyone that you know as impartial who could possibly talk to him regarding his bi-polar and getting treatment? Surely some of his friends would know the situation? Obviously you wouldm't want him knowing that you put someone upto it. BUt if you had ssomeone you could trust bring it up... I think that is your biggest obsticle - the depression and bi-polar.

Good luck.

[ginab1966]

D1 & Kiwi:

Thanks so much for your responses.

D1: Please don't think badly of Retrou just because of my situation. It works for lots. I'm just afraid it didn't work in my situation. Perhaps he's/we're just too far gone. I did get an amazing new reconnection with my higher power and it's helping me with this really bad part I'm in now. I never expected this. I guess I'm just nieve or maybe I just want hope so bad that I forgot that this is far, far from being over, done and back to better.

I'm so sorry your W responded to you the way she did. Our spouses can be so hurtful. I cannot believe they mean it. They are so confused and so mislead. I'm not saying that I was a saint or anything but I really am a pretty damned good wife and a stellar mother. It just boggels my mind how someone would walk away and actually mean it. I keep saying that I know I walked away but I came back soon after and I was never cold, shut down or in any way out of his life. During that time he would've literally done ANYTHING for me to come home. That lasted 1 month. I came home and he was having an affair. God, how can things change that quickly. I guess we just have to hang in there. I know what you say about thinking "Just get it over with already!!" I'm sooo there but that's really the last thing i want. It's just this state of being on the verge of something horrible is so stressful and heartbreaking. I know he hasn't asked for a divorce again yet but I just feel it's so eminent. In CoDA that's refered to as Catastropic Thinking. But the signs are all pointing South, ya know.

The weekend was all about expressing your feelings to each other in a safe way so that you are certain you are heard and understood. We were doing well and there was just this point when I saw my husband shut down...I have no idea why but he says he just realized it was hopeless. That he would never feel the way he needs to feel about me ever gain. OUCH.

Kiwi:

The bi-polar/depression issue is the main issue with H and has been our entire marriage. He has a current doctor that doesn't believe the bi=polar diagnoses he was given by previous docotor, has him off bi-polar meds and convinced him he's not bi-polar. So, I'm really up a creek there. H will not even discuss his mental issues with me or let me weigh in in any way. The bottom line is that this is where my husbands head is at "I have no clue what i want or need in life. I know that I am not happy in my marriage so I want to leave. I have conceeded that I don't believe I will be happier leaving but I just want to leave that which is making me unhappy. So, I will leave my family and go to what may or may not make me happy leaving behind a broken wife and a devistated child. But that's ok because it's all about me and what I need and what I want anyway....even though I haven't a clue what that is". That's what I'm up against. Our marriage counselor once said to him and I that H was emotionally incapable of being in a healthy, mature relationship...he even questioned if he was capable of maintaining a true friendship. That is the level of his issues. The thing is, I love him and I married him and I'm really doing my best to love the man and dislike the behavior but it's hard. It's hard for all of us.

Thanks again to both of you. It was wonderful to come home tonight and see these posts. DD has a 102 temp, a double ear infection and the beginning of strep. Yup....and the hits just keep on a-comin'.

Peace...

Gina B

[d1adsl5a]

Sounds like there were some positives at least for you from spiritual standpoint. That is the thing the scares the hell out of me. We have talked a great deal about how she got here. I am in the same boat as you. She doesn't love me, hasn't for a long time. I have made the changes, yet she tells me her feelings won't come back. Not sure that this weekend will do much other than get her to tell me how bad of a husband I have been...

If her feelings are gone, there is not much more than I can do. I can't sit in this house with her and my sons and act happy for another 6 months...I am like you-fed up with everything. You just want to be happy again. The last 5 months have been horrible...

[ginab1966]

Yes, they have been. And I know JUST what you are talking about when you say that the weekend will just let her spew all of her "feelings" out on you. I think sometimes, what Retro is meant to do is really let people know that, because of the covenant they made to God, they really can't give up until the last paper is signed. It's never really said but it's implyed a whole bunch. Sometimes I think it may be hearing the couples speak about their realtionships and what they've been through. It gives you hope. It's not a cure..but I'm sure people do get a lot of help from it. We just weren't one of those couples. So, my advice is to just go and see what might come of it. It can't get worse, right? LOL

Stay strong buddy. I know how hard it is and how long the odds seem. Just think of our children. They deserve us to hang in there. There needs to be one parent thinking straight and that's us.

Take good care and I'll chat with you soon. I'll be thinking of you.

Gina B

[Lotus]

Please don't think the weekend is just a chance for an unhappy spouse to spew their feelings. It isn't like that at all. You do talk about your feelings, but it is always in answer to very specific questions. And the questions are never phrased in a negative way. Actually, you discover or uncover a lot of happy feelings over the weekend. The questions pull together and help you see yourself in relation to your marriage and your goals in life, but when the questions are asked, they seem almost off-topic. They are things you would never expect to be asked. Whatever you expect, the weekend will surprise you.

[ginab1966]

Lotus: you are absolutely right and I didn't intend on giving off the impression that the Retro weekend is "less" than it is. There were many great moments, even for us. If both people are willing to let the miracle work inside them, the design of the entire weekend is to develope a rebirth of a marriage. The dialogue questions have a clear pattern of development and it takes you on a journey together.

My husband was just one of the people who did an about face the last day. I could see it happening right before my eyes. Personally, I think he realized how much work marriage is and how much changing he is going to have to do and he is just simply not willing to get inside himself to turn this around.

Thanks,

Gina B

[d1adsl5a]

Not sure if this was the right approach or not. But after she said yesterday morning: "I have no love left for you, no warmth. The changes are too little too late." I said you know what if you have no intention of really trying, don't go. If you are already gone in your mind and if you have any compassion left for me, don't string me along. Trying to put on a show for your family/friends that you tried. This weekend shouldn't just be a checklist for you to say, I tried and it didn't work.

Last night she said that she needs to think about for a couple days and she will let me know. I guess by the end of the week, I will no one way or the other if she truly wants to give it a try.

Maybe I am pushing things too much. Maybe I should have kept a low profile and just went. But I felt if she didn't really have her heart into it, it would just be her checking it off a list. She already has told me over and over again what her issues are. I have addressed them and she has seen and felt the difference. It has made her turn around once and say "maybe" Even our kids crying last week about us getting a divorce(they overheard a conversation we had late at night) hasn't moved her either.

She is not the most spiritual person either. Not sure the guilt of god could sway her either..