WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

I do appreciate your concern Sandi and I know you are genuinely looking out of me.

Yeah....just think of me as a your adopted mom.

Thanks MOM!

It was a pretty quiet day today relative to the WAW. Got a couple of more pics of the kids from her via text/email. I just replied back - Very cool - Thanks! A plus was that I did work out the deal with the apt so I move in on Oct 12th (2 days after what would have been my 10 year anniversary).

Anyway, I did talk to the boys - still no skype. My 7 year old was really tired but we talk for a few minutes. My 3 year old was once again very talkative. When I told him that tomorrow was Friday and asked if he knew what that day was. He said that was the day Daddy was picking them up and we would all be home and he did a cheer! It was great.

My wife got on the phone afterwards and mentioned that my 7 year old got a thing about cub scouts from school and was really excited about it. I told her that sounds great and I apreciated her letting me know. Then I said goodnite and hung up.

So I see my boys tomorrow. It will be a busy weekend as on Sat we are going to see my mom in NYC and then going the Museum of Natural History - the boy's favorite movie is Night that the Museum so they are very excited. My cousin from CO is coming out and my cousin that we had gone to the beach and Sesame St. Place with is going join us with his kids. It's going to be a lot of driving on top of my 6 hour round trip drive for the weekend. But that's what you do for your kids - right?

So thanks again Mom. Happy belated/early Mother's day!

[sandi2]

[confusedinpa]

Major bummer today. I went to the doctor today before I picked up my boys. Turns out I've been dealing with shingles over the past week. He said my boys are fine around me as they have the chicken pox vaccine but im cancelling my trip to NYC as he said to avoid crowds

I did call my WAW to let her know as I was torn whether to expose them to the risk. She said she was ok either way but knew how much the boys and I enjoy our time together on the weekends. She did bring some "aromatherapy" remedy I've for me to try.

So I'm still spending my weekend with it boys but they were disappointed not to go to the museum.

We'll still have a good time though

[confusedinpa]

Another bummer. Got another legal filing from her lawyer in the mail. This one is about splitting our assets. I'll call my lawyer on Monday

Off to tennis with my boys and then Lowe's (they have a kids firetrucj building project today!)

My wall is still standing from this latest shot.......

[sandi2]

Shingles can be very...very painful. Depending where you have them on your body...they can even be dangerous. My H had them to start at his forehead and almost got into his eys. The doctor said it would have put his eye out if that had happened. Please be careful. I don't know if you should be doing all that physical activity or not. May need to look the information up on the Internet. I don't think they are contagious--except being around pregnant women could run a high risk of her unborn baby....is what I've heard. Kind of like a pregnant woman being exposed to the measles. Maybe that is why he said to not get around crowds.

Oh, also I remember that it worked overtime on my H's nerves. Don't know if it was due to pain...where it was located...or if that is part of the symptoms. If your boys start getting too much for this weekend, you may need to cut it short and rest. I am concerned that you are playing tennis b/c you need to take the shingles serious. They could end up making you quite sick.

There I go sounding like a mom again....sorry.

[confusedinpa]

Thanks mom :-)

I'm trying to take it as easy as possible. We went to a car show after lunch. I played video games with my 7 year old while my 3 year old was taking his nap. We then played baseball (I just pitched - the boys chased the balls after hitting). We also played football as my 7 year got interested in running patterns to catch so I just played QB as my 3 year old defended. It was a blast.

There was a block party onite but I know a couple of people are pregnant so the boys and I stayed in.

It's been a good day.... so far.....

[confusedinpa]

It was a rainy Sunday so we wound up doing our housecleaning today. The boys were thrilled (if you believed that, I got a bridge to sell ya).

Anyway, we did the vaccuming, dusting and folded the laundry in an hour - not bad for 3 boys :-)

Unfortunately, during one of the boys' toy car got crushed during the mad cleaning session. My 3 year old was bumming but he didn't throw a fit like I was afraid he would. So when we went out to grab some lunch, we stopped at the store and I let them each pick out a toy.

Of course, my 3 year old didn't want to take his nap as he wanted to play with his new toy. I let him play for about 45 minutes before I put him down for his nap. Then my 7 year old and I played video games again - more one on one bonding time :-)

When my 3 year old woke up from his nap, the three of us played and I actually got a chance to watch a football game (first one on a Sunday this year). Unfortunately, it reminded me that I forgot to put in my football picks :-( I was in second place in the pool so this takes me out of the running for the season. Now I just gotta hope to win a week to break even :-S

We made dinner together and when she showed up to pick up the boys, I did the usual of giving her the bags and walked out with the boys. She asked to see my shingles, but I told her it was painful to untuck my shirt to show her. I did joke with her that I would imagine it would be awkward if I started to take off my pants to do so in front of her - she actually blushed and seemed a little flustered. I also gave her a perscription and asked her to get it filled through the mail order system like she used to (much cheaper). She said she would.

She called me as I was just leaving for New York. She asked me some tactical questions, but then started chit chatting. I was pressed for time while she chit chat as I was suppose to call one of my friends. After I was about about 10 minutes late to call, I told her that it was hard to hear her on my cell so perhaps we can talk more tomorrow nite. She said ok, I'm sure she thought something was odd as the few other times she would call, I would let her talk for about an hour.

I was annoyed when she told me my 7 year old didn't have school on Monday so she was staying home with him. Not that I could have taken off, but she should have told me. Of course I have a copy of his school schedule, but I expected her to tell/remind me of these things like she had in the past. Guess I need to get them onto my calendar.

She did wind up sending me a bunch of pictures and text of just light "fun" things. I just thanked her and left it at that.

So our anniversary is 2 weeks away. I know I will do something with my friends and my boys that day, not exactly how I would have expected to spend our 10th anniversary. She did say the boys have dentist appointments in the morning (right after her's). Really not sure why she scheduled it that way, nor what she will decide to do that day, but I really don't care. I've extended out the olive branch to de-escalate the WW III that was brewing. So that was successful, I think. But she hasn't made any moves, other than staying the course she had put us on.

Right now, I'm oddly good. I really believe that with or without her, the boys and I will be fine. If I can get primary custody, wherever I am, even the better. All I know, at the end of the day, I can look my boys in the eye and myself that I fought like heck to save the marriage - right up to the bitter end.... I'm not saying this to say the last battle has been fought, but more that I've waged an honorable war. If she isn't going to engage, that's her choice.... And if she does, I'll have to decide if I want to battle again....

[sandi2]

Sounds as if you and the boys are doing good.

Why did you let this bother you so much?

I was annoyed when she told me my 7 year old didn't have school on Monday so she was staying home with him. Not that I could have taken off, but she should have told me.

I want to discuss something that I've had on my heart. It is plain to see the the children are/is the primary contention in your MR presently. It isn't the "root" of the problem, obviously, but you and your W are pulling these boys between you. Both of you are jealous of the time the other parent spends with them. If she has ten minutes longer than you think she is scheduled, then you come unglued.....and visa-versa. I understand, really. But, I want you to see how unhealthy this is for both of you....but more importantly, the boys. Don't you know that these young children are smart enough to read both of their parents? Not only that, but they WILL take advantage of the situation. Even though they would want nothing more than for their parents to get back together.....don't think they won't get all they can out of the time they are with the indiviudal parent. They will also play one parent against the other.

What I think your W is seeing is this........ you as being the Santa Clause parent. Perhaps you have had to discipline the kids and just have not mentioned it, but I do not recall a single time you have told of you having to really do anything "unpleasant", expect make them go to bed or take a nap. What do you do when your three year old throws a fit? Do you see what I'm saying? Your W feels that she has to be the "bad parent" b/c you are just with the boys on the weekends and all you do is play, play, and play some more. I think it is fantastic that you can do this with your kids, b/c so many parents will not give that much of their time and energy to their children. You talk about how the boys yell hooray when they know it's time for you to come see them, but of course they do b/c they know it is playtime. I hope you won't misunderstand what I'm saying here, sweetie, b/c I know that you want more than anything for your boys to love you. You are working so hard to make up for the pain that has been caused. But can you see from yours W's point of view? I am concerned that she resents the fact that you are the Santa Clause parent and she has to be the bad guy. I know you could say that she brought all of this on herself....and that is true. But, not only does it hurt your chances at a future with her, but how does it affect her R with the boys? Resentment comes out some way....some how and about the time a little something looks like a flicker between the two of you....then some anger about the boys comes up. I only wanted to bring this up and wondered if you had thought about this. I hope you won't take what I said the wrong way. It's really hard to see some things objectively when hurting so badly.

[confusedinpa]

Hi "Mom"!

The management of the kids have always been a contention, even before Jan. The boys would always "listen" to me, but would always test her patience. She would vent to me many times how she would ask numerous times where I would just have to ask and if there was any push back, all I would have to do is give them a look.

So, I do discipline the boys, but do not need to very often. When I need the table set for a meal, they do it. When I need help folding laundry, they do it. When I need help cleaning, they do it. Sometimes they "hesitate" and they may throw a fit, but I always address it immediately and quickly. I am stern and try to be fair but know that they are going through a tough situation as well so I do try to be a little easier on them when they act out. So they know, just because I'm not with them all the time, my expectations have not changed

Their mother knows that. I always try to be careful not to be the Santa Claus parent. I have noticed how she buys them toys every week, whenever they ask for something. When I have them, they would asks for toys, but I would typically tell them we would have to save our money before we can get it. I do know I spoil them still as I do get them toys about once every 2 or 3 weeks - nothing big (usually less than $15).

I do know that the behavior of the kids has been a source of resentment. She had complained about how the kids would listen to me but not show her the same respect. She had tried to blame me by saying since she felt I didn't show her the respect she needed, the kids did the same.

Every nite when I talk to the boys, I always remind them that I expect them to listen to mommy and do a good job for her just like they do for me. When she complains to me about the boys behaviors, I always take the time to talk to the boys about it during the weekend.

Rereading this, it sounds like I'm making excuses, but that's not the intent. I was just trying to better explain what's been going on.

I hadn't noticed what you pointed out, "Resentment comes out some way....some how and about the time a little something looks like a flicker between the two of you....then some anger about the boys comes up. I only wanted to bring this up and wondered if you had thought about this. I hope you won't take what I said the wrong way. It's really hard to see some things objectively when hurting so badly."

I will have to pay closer attention to this one.

Nice catch "mom". No apologies are ever necessary as I know you are sharing because you care.

Thanks

[sandi2]

I am relieved to hear you say these things. I believe your boys adore you and that is so great b/c sons "need" to have that type of adoration for their father. I think fathers should be a hero for their kids. If a man is the type of father he should be, then he doesn't have to punish his children very often. Of course, their is a difference in discipline and punishment (I think). Being a man, your voice of authority probably has a lot to do with how the boys respond to you. My father did not have to punish me very many times b/c I knew to do what he said! I have seen this with my son and his children & then compared it to my DIL with her little meek voice (lol). They know by dad's no-nonsense voice that he is serious and they better take heed. So, I am thinking that you must have the same effect with your children......and that is wonderful. I say that b/c it means your boys will know when you are playing and when you are serious. Some kids have a problem knowing when their dad is being serious and they keep pushing the limit to see if he's playing and finally he'll lose his patient with them to make them behave.

So, it sounds like you have things under control with the boys and even though it is none of my business......it still makes me feel really good about that. I've seen so many young families go through what you are, and it breaks my heart....especially where the children are concerned. So, maybe your W feels frustration that the boys will not respond to her "authority" as easily as they do yours. My DIL tells the kids that they will have to face dad.....(which I don't like that, but I don't interfer) b/c it makes him the bad guy all the time. Your W may have to tell the boys she'll talk to daddy if they won't mind her (I don't know). Depends on whethere or not she has control over them. I respect you for telling them you expect them to be good for her, b/c a lot of men in your stitch would not do that. They would take advantage of using the boys to make her life as miserable as possible. That just tells me what kind of man you truly are, and I admire that about you. It must be very difficult when you are upset with her to tell the boys to be good and mind their mom. That takes strength & good character!

Back to how it is affecting the R between you and your W, I suppose that it is very common for parents to be jealous over their kids, but as I said before, "if" there is a future with her....I think at some point you two have to ease up with each other where your boys are concerned. Of course, if you ever suspect that she isn't being a good mother, then I say take her to court! But from what I see by you journaling, is most iritation comes from something over how she did or didn't do what you wanted concerning the kids. What I'm saying is that I think your healing will not come about b/c this keeps "picking" at the wound. Even though the kids were not the reason for your break-up, it is now the source of your anger with her. At least, it appears to be by what I see in your post. So, if you could find a way to get past that area, then maybe you could start to heal where your true source of pain is coming from. Whether or not you have a future with her, you will still want to feel free of that pain.

I don't know if I recall a man who has been a dedicated toward his kids as you have. If you and W ever get back together, it will be a wonderful reunion to have your family complete. If you don't get back with her, then you will find another woman who will be blessed to have you in her life. You have a lot to give.....don't ever forget that.

"Mom"