I want my family back!

[Calliope]

Tough weekend. I sent him an email on Friday night telling him that I did not want to meet Saturday to discuss the D. That I would much rather do everything through my attorney. As long as he was ok with the temporary payment arrangements that I had sent him, that there was nothing to talk about, and if he could send me his financial forms, I'd have my atty start writing things up. I also asked that he please get back to me with the times that he is getting and returning the boys on Sat so that I could plan my day. I never heard from him the next morning, so I was getting ready to take my 2yo out for a drive so he could fall asleep before soccer. Well he comes barreling down the driveway with his trailer attached to his car. I'm in my robe, trying to get ready to leave and he says "we need to talk, I need to know whats going on with you".. so I go outside, because the kids and my parents were in the house. I tried to stay calm, and simply said that I am much more comfortable doing it this way, that I don't want to deal with the emotions of trying to work with him. He flipped. Talking about how he was trying to do this the right way. How now he has to go back and get the lawyer again, how this isn't the best option for the boys, because now he'll be in a bad mood again and its not good for his time with the boys. Oh, started off saying "we ARE getting this divorce, I'm DONE with you" Like he had to convice me that he was through with me. Somebody must have put it in his head that I was doing this to try and get him back. He said the email upset him so much that he couldnt sleep, and how dare I do that to him on his birthday! He started being unreasonable again about things. I dont remember everything that was said (I unfortunately was so frazzled) but I do remember that he kept trying to make it out like he was being such a good guy last week, how he poured his heart out to me, and why can't things be ok now. I did respond by saying, yes, I appreciate the fact that you had changed, but I am still looking at the big picture, and in the big picture, you still left your family for an OW.... He flipped again, how it was my fault for the D, how if I had been a good wife, he would have never been looking for anyone else.. etc.. UGH, this is why I wanted counseling. Neither one of us can get past this blame. When he is reasonable, he admits that he should have told me how unhappy he was. When he's this way, its all my fault.

He started pulling out the paperwork and saying "I dont understand why we cant try to talk about this" I said, what would be any different than the 2 times we tried to do it at mediation? I am doing what is best for me, and what is best for me is to not sit down with you. I did however, finally give in a bit after he just wouldnt stop. He asked what I wanted for child support (that was what he always argued, even though it is a set formula from the court). So I told him what I wanted, and he said "fine, you can have that" (So obviously he's prepared to do whatever it takes to get this thing over as soon as possible). We didnt do the sit down that he wanted, but he did stay for a while and loaded up his trailer with stuff (he said he didnt know if I was going to throw some temporary order at him to get his stuff out of the house.. silly). He gave me the financial form, and told me to find out how long it would take. (again, big rush for him). Oh, but at one point, I told him that I needed him to watch the kids a few days for various medical appts that I have. He knows that I am worried about losing my insurance coverage through him (my job is contract based and I wont get good insurance). He said something like "If you need to take care of medical things, we'll drag this out until everything is done... It will probably screw my life up, but we will". So anyway, not like I needed confirmation, but its so clear why he is behaving like this.

So the rest of the day was a mess. He wanted to skip soccer so he could take them apple picking (with the OW and her girls). I told him that S was looking forward to soccer, and that S2 needed his nap. He endd up taking them out a bit early from soccer so he could still do the apple picking, then he said he was bringing them back at 5 (he usually has them till 8) because he had something he had to do. I was angry about that. We argued about it a bit at soccer, and then I texted him saying that I would appreciate if the few days he had the boys, he would make them his priority. He texted back that he would drop them off at 8. (often I think he struggles with what the OW wants, and what he knows is right, because when I call him on it, he often backs down pretty quickly)

He brought them back at 8. I was dressed and ready to go out (my parents were there to watch the boys). We got along fine. As he left, he said 'be careful' (because he could tell I was going out)

So, I'm not completely proud of how I acted, but I don't think he'll ask to sit down and talk with me anymore. I know he is going to keep asking me about the lawyer, and keep asking me about the house being listed, and will get on my case if they are not done in the speed that he things they should be. How should I respond to these?

Also, I find it so hard to go dark/dim because of issues with the boys. Should I have let him bring them home at 5, even though it was completely wrong? I hated having to text him for that. If I am not happy with something he is doing regarding the boys, should I say something, or let them slide? For example, I do not like that my 4yo is using the OWs daughter's booster seat when they all go out together. I am a firm believer in keeping kids harnessed as long as possible. H knows that, but put him in the backless booster anyway. My blood boils just thinking about it. Do I let it slide? He's not breaking the law, but it is so against my wishes.

[breakaway]

Sorry you had a difficult time with him. Not surprising though, as he seems quite put out at not getting his way in general.

Tough weekend. I sent him an email on Friday night telling him that I did not want to meet Saturday to discuss the D. That I would much rather do everything through my attorney. As long as he was ok with the temporary payment arrangements that I had sent him, that there was nothing to talk about, and if he could send me his financial forms, I'd have my atty start writing things up. I also asked that he please get back to me with the times that he is getting and returning the boys on Sat so that I could plan my day. I never heard from him the next morning, so I was getting ready to take my 2yo out for a drive so he could fall asleep before soccer. Well he comes barreling down the driveway with his trailer attached to his car. I'm in my robe, trying to get ready to leave and he says "we need to talk, I need to know whats going on with you".. so I go outside, because the kids and my parents were in the house.

Okay, see, right here, complete and utter lack of respect for other people's boundaries. Instead of RESPONDING to your email, he ignored it and then charged in and ambushed you.

I tried to stay calm, and simply said that I am much more comfortable doing it this way, that I don't want to deal with the emotions of trying to work with him. He flipped. Talking about how he was trying to do this the right way. How now he has to go back and get the lawyer again, how this isn't the best option for the boys, because now he'll be in a bad mood again and its not good for his time with the boys.

Blaming you for HIS moods is just emotional abuse and manipulation. He's a big boy. He's in charge of his own moods. This is also some kind of attempt at emotional blackmail...that if you do anything to upset him it will put him in a bad mood for the boys. Don't upset the baby or it will have a tantrum. Ugh. He needs to man up and knock it off.

Oh, started off saying "we ARE getting this divorce, I'm DONE with you" Like he had to convice me that he was through with me. Somebody must have put it in his head that I was doing this to try and get him back.

More like, you can't fire me, because I quit!! He cannot let you be the one to be done, even though he's done all this other [censored]. HE will reject you first, lady!! He's acting like a three year old.. I don't want to play with you anymore...

He said the email upset him so much that he couldnt sleep, and how dare I do that to him on his birthday!

It's amazing how sensitive these selfish people are. Their precious feelings are so fragile.

He started being unreasonable again about things. I dont remember everything that was said (I unfortunately was so frazzled) but I do remember that he kept trying to make it out like he was being such a good guy last week, how he poured his heart out to me, and why can't things be ok now.

Wow, give him a prize. By acting halfway human you are now supposed to do everything on his terms? If he was even HALFWAY sincere about being a good guy about it, then he would RESPECT your boundaries and understand them at least, for God's sake.

I did respond by saying, yes, I appreciate the fact that you had changed, but I am still looking at the big picture, and in the big picture, you still left your family for an OW....

Brilliant answer. Reality.

He flipped again, how it was my fault for the D, how if I had been a good wife, he would have never been looking for anyone else.. etc.. UGH, this is why I wanted counseling. Neither one of us can get past this blame. When he is reasonable, he admits that he should have told me how unhappy he was. When he's this way, its all my fault.

Yes, shame on you for not making this easy for him!! HOW can you do this to HIM? Why can't you take his measly crumbs and thank him for them? It's so unfair!

He started pulling out the paperwork and saying "I dont understand why we cant try to talk about this" I said, what would be any different than the 2 times we tried to do it at mediation? I am doing what is best for me, and what is best for me is to not sit down with you.

Yes! yes yes yes. Any rational person would at least REALIZE that the other party should do what's best for them, even if they don't like it. Not him. How dare you do what's best for YOU??

I did however, finally give in a bit after he just wouldnt stop.

No! No no no no. lol He knows that if he just goes on long enough, wears you down, he will get his lollipop in the grocery store line.

He asked what I wanted for child support (that was what he always argued, even though it is a set formula from the court). So I told him what I wanted, and he said "fine, you can have that" (So obviously he's prepared to do whatever it takes to get this thing over as soon as possible). We didnt do the sit down that he wanted, but he did stay for a while and loaded up his trailer with stuff (he said he didnt know if I was going to throw some temporary order at him to get his stuff out of the house.. silly). He gave me the financial form, and told me to find out how long it would take. (again, big rush for him). Oh, but at one point, I told him that I needed him to watch the kids a few days for various medical appts that I have. He knows that I am worried about losing my insurance coverage through him (my job is contract based and I wont get good insurance). He said something like "If you need to take care of medical things, we'll drag this out until everything is done... It will probably screw my life up, but we will". So anyway, not like I needed confirmation, but its so clear why he is behaving like this.

He's behaving like this because he's a scorned little child, never mind that HE left YOU. BTW, he can be forced to pay your health insurance. So I'm sure that even though it's going to screw up his precious life he'd rather have your medical problems taken care of now than cover your insurance. I STILL THINK his lawyer laid out how it was going to be and he's been scrambling to try to get you to take less.

The stuff about the kids...all I can say is he proves his selfishness every minute about them too. DOCUMENT this stuff. Every bit of it.

So, I'm not completely proud of how I acted, but I don't think he'll ask to sit down and talk with me anymore. I know he is going to keep asking me about the lawyer, and keep asking me about the house being listed, and will get on my case if they are not done in the speed that he things they should be. How should I respond to these?

Your H is not in charge of this process, as he is beginning to discover, much to his rage. Make anything non child related go through a lawyer. No matter what crap he throws in your face, just respond that he has to go through your lawyer. Be business like. If you want to know what he's really like and what goes on in his head, then this will show you. Furthermore, most kid related things can go through a lawyer as well.

HE wanted this. These are the breaks.

Also, I find it so hard to go dark/dim because of issues with the boys. Should I have let him bring them home at 5, even though it was completely wrong? I hated having to text him for that. If I am not happy with something he is doing regarding the boys, should I say something, or let them slide? For example, I do not like that my 4yo is using the OWs daughter's booster seat when they all go out together. I am a firm believer in keeping kids harnessed as long as possible. H knows that, but put him in the backless booster anyway. My blood boils just thinking about it. Do I let it slide? He's not breaking the law, but it is so against my wishes.

I don't have a lot of advice in this area, but I will say that sometimes they will do the opposite of what you want just to spite you, so be careful.

[breakaway]

I forgot to add that you are doing great, and you SHOULD be proud of yourself!!

(((Calliope)))

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Call.,

What Breakaway said. ^

You did FINE. Just remember to throw in some "I'm really sorry you feel that way"s and "I understand"s and "I hear what you're saying"s along the way. You DON'T need to always have an answer for him, nor does he frankly deserve one most of the time!

Well done.

Puppy

[Calliope]

Thank you both. Makes me feel better about my weekend. I felt so flustered about the whole thing and felt that I did horribly. I do need to throw in my 'I'm sorry you feel that way' especially when he starts to blame me for the marriage failing. Otherwise we get into the same battle as always.

Breakaway, I know you still think his lawyer told him that he would get raked over the coals and that's why he changed. I talked to my lawyer about that. She disagreed 100%. She knows this lawyer very well, and said he would NEVER tell my H that, he'd never tell any client that. She said that he is so arrogant, and brutal, that he always tells his clients that they are going to win big, regardless of how big of a lie it is. Anyway, I absolutely value your opinions, and wasn't even going to mention this, because I don't think it matters either way. (his actions this weekend have proven his selfishness regardless of how sincere he was being last week!)

[breakaway]

That's cool. Your lawyer would know better than anyone. I was just concerned because I've seen that happen to a couple of people...suddenly the spouse wants to "do the right thing" and call off lawyers, when it's only the right thing for THEM. lol

[LookingFrAnswers]

C,
I am just now getting to reply after reading through your thread. First, I am sorry to hear about how the horrible way he acted this weekend & treated you. I agree that you handled it like a DB champ! If Puppy & Breakaway say so, you definitely did! You sound like you are handling this so well. Sometimes we're too close to the situation to be able to see that & that's where the perspectives on here are so important. I am keeping you in my thougths to stay strong & keep it up.

Yep you're right. Your H sounds just like mine, with the "we have to talk" bit all the time. Except for that I have little/no communication. I've had maybe 2 emails from him in the past 2 weeks.

I have gotten much from your thread - your posts plus Puppy & Stronger, there's great advice here. I don't feel like sitting down & talking about this either. My C says I should let the Ls do it, just as you've been advised.

The big difference is my H has not admitted to an A. I sometimes feel like lashing out when he hounds me & demanding to know the truth, because I suspect that is reason he keeps pushing on D. Haven't done it yet. Since we have been separated now going on 6 mos., & don't have kids to keep us in regular communication, it's hard to confirm.

C, please hang in there. You are doing an incredible job in a very very tough situation. Try to reward yourself for it! I'll check in again.
LFA

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It is not the betrayed (or left-behind) spouse's job to reassure the cheating (or runaway) spouse emotionally or legally.

"I understand that you feel anxious about this, but frankly it's not my job to reassure you. I need to protect myself, and feel it's in my best interest to follow my attorney's advice, as she's much more experienced at this than I am."

Adjust to fit your sitch accordingly.

Puppy

[Calliope]

Thanks puppy. Going to put this on a post-it and keep it with me for the next conversation! He called this morning but just to ask how the boys were and to confirm that he was getting them tonight. (he was away with OW for a couple of days so of course wouldnt call then) No D or house talk. I didn't give room for extra chatting.

[dburt]

Great job, Calli. This is what he wanted, now it is his time to put his big jammies on and sleep in the bed that he made. Make sure that your attorney knows that you need health coverage.

When did his afffair start?

Burt