UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Sanderika]

Hello Nell,

I can't be sure where your H is at.

I can tell you that my H said and did all the same things your H has.

I can tell you that my H would avoid me before he left. I didn't know this of course. He would hide out down the road at a parking area with his truck and wait until I had left the office for the day before he came back to the shop. He then would wait it out there hoping that I would be gone to bed by the time he "came home from work". My H and I own a trucking company. I believed everytime he told me he was held up at a jobsite or in traffic when in reality he was taking a snooze to waste time from being in the same place with me.

My H was so hateful to me when he left. He only left when he had found the OW (a place to go). I am quite sure he had been on the look out for a place to go for several months. My bomb came swiftly. He found the OW on August 7th and in the evening on 8/16/05 he told me he was leaving me.

I heard the usual.....I hate you.....I don't love you.....Get used to the idea, we ARE getting a D.....I have known for years we were going to gat a D.....I hate the sight of you.....I hate the sound of your voice.....I could go on and on....I don't need to, you get the idea. The mantra is always the same with the MLC guys.

My H has also said that we are separated and I am not cheating or an adulteror because we are separated. WRONG....WRONG....WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That only served in his brain to validate his guilt and the existence of the OW.

After he left I went into a tailspin and did a 180 in about 30 days. I practiced and changed my moves and attitudes and style until I was genuine and changed forever. I was determined. I was going to win his heart back. H immediately saw the changes but was very reluctant to admit they were real. He accused me of being fake and it was all a ploy to get him back and once he was back I would revert to the Sanderika he despised. He started to come around at 4+ months after bomb. We maintained a relationship of recovery and rebuilding from that point forward.

It was only with time and patience and maintaining my new being that H can now admit I have changed. It has been a long 4+ years of changes and trials and proving myself. I was determined to also prove H wrong. Once I realized he was also watching to see me fall, I felt even more determined to win his heart.

I have made my H very comfortable around me and our home. I have won his friendship and he enjoys me. Our entire 4+ years of separation we maintained a physical relationship, which has only improved with time.

Some of the things H says now are:

I now realize I am a cheater.

I love you and I always will.

I miss you.

I love your cooking, you are the best you know.

I love our talks and communicating with you has always been easy.
I can't communicate with OW and I never could, it's impossible.

I love your butt.

I love to ML with you, it's a blast to be with you.

As I write these you all wonder why I am throwing in the towel. It's simple. H is still with OW and I have witnessed no significant changes in the demise of that relationship. I have come to realize that there is no place for me and son in H's world 100%. I am tired of settling for the tidbits. If I can't have him back 100%, I would rather be alone.

The one thing that is keeping H away at this point is he thinks I am no fun. I am a tired lady with a son to raise, 2 jobs to maintain, a home to care for inside and out, a dog to raise. My burdens are huge, I want to be fun and I know I could be. I don't have the opportunity to do much with all my responsibilities. I do get out and GAL a bit with girlfriends and my son. In my world H was the activity guy, his 2-4-6-10-18 wheeled toys and sense of adventure was always keeping us busy. I do not play with 4+ wheeled toys alone. I would get into trouble for sure and it would not be pretty. The most son and I do together is ride our dirt bikes around the property here at home, can't find too much trouble right here.

In fact one of the last things he said was....You are no fun. You used to be lots of fun with laughs and energy and spunk. I know the OW is free of responsibility and is a huge party girl. I am not going to compete with that right now. She can have her life on her Harley Davidson and bottle of Captain Morgan's.

That brings me to the next comment.....MLC guys are out for fun and lots of it. If we represent "no fun" they will not come back for that reason either. Fun has to be part of our changes. We need to learn to let our hair down and ramp up the party girls in each of us. We need to show our H's that we have not lost that side of us as we have aged and taken on responsibilities. We need to re-invent our fun side. It's just as important as our attitude towards H and our style and appearance.

I have rambled here quite a bit.....

Will go for now.....want to think more on this.

(((((Nell)))))

Sanderika