Everything your wife is saying is said by probably 75-90% of cheating spouses. It's, as they say, "script." It's called re-writing of marital history. However, it's also said by people who have legitimate complaints about verbal and emotional abuse.
Only you know in your heart to what extent her accusations have merit; we only know by what you tell us on this message board.
That being said, again -- were it me -- I would want to know that IF I worked on all of my own issues, if my wife would be open, emotionally, to my changes. And it's a physiological fact that a spouse in an active affair (emotional or physical) will be "blocked" almost entirely from even your most sincere changes.
My advice would still be to find out what you're dealing with, and then proceed accordingly.
