It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

I came to a realization (another one?!?). My W is not and hasn't been proud of me for a long time. She needed that. She needed to be proud of herself and for me to be proud of her. She didn't get it. Things had to change and she changed them. I'm hurt by her decision and her seemingly callous actions, but couldn't live her life the way it was. This was the only change that could believe would keep her sane.

I can't make her proud of me over night. I can be proud of her for taking a hard and painful road and for soldiering on in search of happiness. I can work on my own life and hope for the best.

There are other issues, but this (I think) is a major one behind her feelings about the M.

I often write "letters" to my W. They're not meant to be sent or even read. They're more of a journal. I thought I'd include the latest for thought and discussion.


We have to be a team. Forget whether we’re married or whatever. We need to be on board with one another for the girls. And for each other. We’re growing, and this world can be tough. I know we both will be tougher and wiser and will do greater things with the heart-felt knowledge that someone will be there for them. If that means friendship, then that’s what it must be.
I get that you don’t want my help, that you want to rely on yourself. That’s a good thing. I want that for myself too. I want that for you. You NEED it and so do I. But there’s more to being that team than doing stuff or encouraging the other person. There is the knowledge deep down that when the [censored] really hits the fan and everyone else is busy, stupid or selfish, that the person will drop everything to be by your side to help. Even for a small prod to do the right thing or something big.
I know I haven’t done enough of that. I know you carried the weight. But when it comes right down to it, I will be there. I haven’t been reliable, but I want to be and I’m working to be a rock to those I care about. Grow and be self-reliant and I’ll help with that by staying out of your way. Be a great mom and I’ll help with that by praising you and offering HELPFUL (not bossy) advice. Be a great woman and I’ll help by admiring you. I don’t have to have my finger in the pie to help. I’m slowly learning that and know that often a smile is better than trying to butt in and fix it for you. I realize that getting a job and my own life is better for your self-esteem than taking care of me.
I get that you want to feel proud of me and that that can’t happen in our relationship as it was. You want to grow and become proud of yourself and want me to be proud of you as well for your OWN accomplishments. I’m already proud of you for taking the hardest of steps to ensure your happiness. It hurts, but that’s what’s necessary to grow when you’ve built a rut for yourself.
So, I want that team, whatever form it takes. It’s a cruel and turbulent world. People get mixed up and off track. They forget themselves and the people they love. I don’t need you for myself, but I desire that light that you have and don’t want to forget that there is a person out there that cares no matter what.
Love and faithfully,
Mark