Over the Shock and GALing 6

[AlexEN]

Thinker,

This:

My memories are different - there was a period of time where I was definitely getting my LL's met - but I understand that we can each have different experiences of the same R.

...and this:

She is also hanging on very tightly to "Love is something that happens when the 2 people are right for each other" rather than "Love is a decision and something that requires work"

... are, IMO, integrally linked with each other and not too distantly related to the esoteric regressions being run on Smiley's thread.

It is absolutely true that "we can each have different experiences of the same R" and that was not only true at the time we were experiencing them but ALSO now when we are re-experiencing/recalling them. Whether or not it is "script" as GIMA says, the present colors both spouses' interpretations of past experiences, too. In other words, it seems readily apparent that the glasses one is wearing today when looking at the past profoundly affect how we think we experienced things in the past (not just at the time they are happening).

So, you can't put too much weight on what she says about the past. It is what it is, but it also is what she perceives it to be. What you're hearing from her is how she feels today, not necessarily how she really felt then and that, to GIMA's point, may be where "script" comes in.

But (and Coach, correct me if I'm wrong), I think Coach would tell you that that is largely irrelevant at this point. The only way she MIGHT change her interpretation of the past is if she were to feel differently today. But, and I know you know this, you can't control that through words (and, believe me, your list (below) is convincing to me as I would say exactly the same thing about my M, but it's irrelevant to her). It falls on deaf ears and pushes the WAS further away. She's telling you she wants to FEEL it.

But I think...
- "We have 13 years of history together"
- "We have 3 children, and agree on how and cooperate well in raising them"
- "We like to do the same things, travel to the same sorts of places, etc"
- "We have the same group of friends"
- "I get along well with your family"
- "We have the same outlook on health, physical activity, etc"
- "We (used to) both have the same need for physical affection and sex"
- "We have worked out most of our issues around money, household chores, etc"
- "We are learning to communicate better than ever before"

As sure as you and I are that “Love is a decision…” and that it really only “happens” in movies, she’s just as sure that it’s the other way around. Pointing out a list like this, not that you've done this, would merely make her point for her -- you don’t get it. So, right now, words won't matter. Your actions (as Smiley has pointed out in the past) will determine the outcome. And, even then, it isn’t in your control; your actions will or won’t have an influence on how she views the present and the past. The decision you have to make is how long you are willing/able to wait for something that may or may not happen…

My convoluted two cents…

As an aside, I thought robx’s recent post (which kind of got buried on Smiley’s thread) was one of his best ever and is very a propos of this topic, so I’ve taken the liberty of cutting-and-pasting it here…

"Had to live without." Those are powerful words, @Greek. Why not, "Chose to live without." "Opted to live without." "Decided to live without." "Didn't have to live without." "Did everything possible -- or, in this case, didn't do anything possible -- to avoid having to live without?"

All narratives, you see. Which is why The Story matters so much. And, paradoxically, doesn't matter at all.

That's the part that bother's me the most in all of the WAS stories. The idea that they had to live without, it isn't true and yet it's the story you hear so many times, he/she wouldn't change and I had to leave to find someone to make me happy & fulfill me.... and then the LBS changes, turns into something better and when they start to reconsider the situation and think that they can do better and ultimately become the WAS themselves, the original WAS starts saying things like "why weren't you like this before?", "you were never like this before", "you changed", "you're different", etc.

So it's not the people can't change, people can definitely change. However people instead of communicating what they want would rather start new hoping to leave all their past problems behind instead of dealing with them and that doesn't work, it can't because none of those issues are resolved, you were part of the problem and you will repeat those same mistakes and years later wake up feeling the same way about the relationship except they'll be waking up next to a different body saying to themselves "how did I get here all over again?"