Considering things have shifted in my sitch, I felt that it was appropriate to bring things into a new topic. I haven't been posting as much, but I have been reading and I must say that I am glad to see so many situations turned around, even from the brink. I know how badly I wanted it... but sometimes things aren't meant to work out that way - but I don't consider it any less of a victory from the purposes and principles of DBing.
I first arrived here in February, desperate for a chance to save my M. Like many here when confronted with the truth of infidelity, I was torn up inside, racked with pain, and even guilt.
I had a family... a wife, three children, and was working hard toward building a future for all of us. I made my share of mistakes, as I stepped outside of my M in April of last year. I confessed, apologized, and worked toward redemption. But things never were quite the same after that. Her father was diagnosed with terminal cancer not long after this. We had a child, a daughter, in May. Her father died in September. She began her A in October, though whether it was more EA than PA is something I'm not certain of.
I first confronted her in December, without evidence. Naturally she denied everything, turned it around on me, and accused me of cheating on her. She flipped out in January, started making wild accusations, and I threw her out on January 6. We met not long after for counseling, but she went in stating that she was done and wanted out. I told her that was fine, and offered to split everything 50/50.
That wasn't good enough, she hired a lawyer, threatened me, and began withholding my daughter from me while threatening that I'd never see her unless I agreed to the terms she wanted.
I confirmed her A via private investigator, although she lied and denied up until June when placed under oath in a deposition. I had uncovered her past history of mental and emotional instability, and that became a part of the D as well.
All the while I was being accused of being the unreasonable person. I was threatened and the accusations went from "I feel like he is going to hit me" to "He raped me" and "He beat me daily" and all sorts of other falsehoods.
Nevertheless I came here daily, torn between my feelings of love and desire for saving my marriage and feelings of self preservation.
Looking back I think I understand why some people said that divorce was probably preferable given the kind of person that W turned out to be.
I don't even check to see if she is going next door any longer. I don't really care if her A is ongoing - although I know it is. I don't really care about anything at this point besides my children.
I still see D1 daily. I still have a great time with her on Saturdays. I still make sure that I'm being the best father I can be.
Throughout this process, moving on and GAL has been instrumental in helping me rise out of despair. Focusing on the future, and recognizing that I can live without W, and even beginning dating again, it all helps me to realize that things don't have to end with divorce.
But I haven't conquered all my demons yet. I have an intense amount of anger directed towards W. I have all sorts of nasty things I want to say to her... but they would be counterproductive both legally and as parents. Things like "I believe all things happen for a reason, and your father probably died so he wouldn't be forced to see what a piece of trash you've become."
I hate myself for thinking things like that... I loved my FIL. I loved W. I just find myself getting extremely angry toward her lately. Which is probably understandable... I just don't want to fall to the same level she did.
I will play my cards right legally. But otherwise I'm concerned that I haven't quite dealt with things all the way. It is hard to act contrary to human nature and still feel good about it. I've continued in IC, and consider myself in the best position I'll ever be in legally.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
