The Thinker relationship roller coaster continues it's downward ride...
Long discussion with Mrs. Thinker last night. She had just had her conversation with the Retrouvaille interviewer (for the re-registration) and was/is having second thoughts.
Her main issue stems around the interviewer having said something like "We have to ask these questions because we want to make sure that the people who are attending are committed to working on the marriage"
She said she feels like a liar and a fake for attending. She said she really doesn't see anything in the marriage, sees little hope in it, and therefore Retro is probably just a waste of time and money.
I listened and found a lot of common ground in our viewpoints. Neither of us wants the marriage we had or have, neither of us is convinced that things can improve, and neither of us is afraid of "being divorced." Neither of us, however, wants to "Get Divorced"
The main thing she came back to again is that she can't see breaking up her family...
...but she feels like if we go forward with our M, it would be (in her words) "Like an arranged Marriage" - ie, we are not here because there is "a great foundation of chemistry and love" but because we are together and are therefore forced to make it work.
She is looking back on her memories of our R, and does not see something positive she wants to build on.
My memories are different - there was a period of time where I was definitely getting my LL's met - but I understand that we can each have different experiences of the same R.
She is also hanging on very tightly to "Love is something that happens when the 2 people are right for each other" rather than "Love is a decision and something that requires work"
I told her that in no way do I want to stay married to someone who does not choose to be married to me. Although I didn't say this, I am clear in my own mind that unless she choses, she will always put all responsibility for the R on me (as she is doing now) and continue to resent me whenever she is not happy. Unless she CHOSES to be married to ME, we will both be miserable.
We are still going to retrouvaille in 11 days. She talked about backing out, asked if we could get our check back, etc. I told her that a decision not to
We agreed that something has to change in the R. It can't go on like this. I told her that I would accept a decision to cancel Retrouvaille as a decision to stop working on the M completely, and in that case we should contact a mediator and begin the D.
I also told her that I would rather wait until after Retrouvaille to make such a decision, rather than making the decision now and then wondering "What if" afterwards.
After the discussion we split up - she needed to work and I needed to go to bed. She came and found me in the bedroom and initiated a hug - first time in a long time that she initiated.
She then fled back downstairs and I went to bed.
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Mrs Thinker keeps coming back to a statement that "Our R has no real foundation". I started wondering this morning what she means by that. On the surface I understand what she is saying, and validate it, but what would a foundation look like to her.
I know what it would look like to me. It would be the physically affectionate, talkative R that I remember having - but that was during the time when she is saying the R was bad. So it's back to the LL concept. I was having my LL's filled and want that back. She, obviously, was not.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
