I`m learning about true love through all of this. Boy do you all get what true love is about. Dropping all those petty things that make us squabble with each other and really feeling the divinity in all of us.
Your caring here. Your stopping by to pick me up. Your rooting from the sidelines yelling me on has just been so wonderful and made this road infinitely more bearable.
Yesterday I had time to beat my chest, cry to God and rant. I also braced myself for mediation by sorting the bagload of receipts I`ve been gathering for the past two months.
In doing that I came cross an old box of love letter from H. Yes, love letters. I read through what I could bear. Yes he loved me once. Even after we married when the kids were little. Its just that I`d forgotten...
I know I`m drawn to a part of him-tiny now-that`s pure and spiritual and gentle and kind. The higher self that`s hidden under layers of rubbish.
Yes, he is in crisis mode. I don`t mind what the label of it is. He always had a shadow of it in himself(don`t we all carry shadows?) He may need to leave me to heal though. We shall see.
I know I just can`t reach his pure part right now.
Mach, SR, you`re so right about the therapist. Her questions are not ones I need to be answering right now. I need to keep the well of calm right now, not have it unsettled. I realised yesterday that every time I`ve come from her lately its taken me a couple of days to settle. I don`t need to be like that with an angry H looming over me.
Trapt, ah yes,faith. For me meditation takes me to that zone where I can leave panic and fear behind. I just returned to my old self on Friday with fear panic and anger all swirling around in my head. Yes, I need to keep the biggest change I`ve made for me-keep the well of calm inside, hold on to the better me.
I worked hard yesterday-busied myself back to calmness. Got mediation prep done, post separation prep too! Looking to a life beyond H if that is what has to be.
But my happiest time was finding those letters of love.
Its there still.
I`m glad of that.
Soldier on.
Thanks dear friends!
Goals this week: keep meditating daily. Be quiet around H-I don`t want him thinking I really want meditation. Start a few more 180s.Drop therapy for a while.
