Of course it made him angrier. When they think we are moving on, it makes it hard for them, no matter what they say. If you had done nothing but wallow in pity and sorrow in from of him, he would have been angry because you WEREN'T moving on. The mind of the crisis.
Kids are extremly observant. Yes they know something is not right. It is hard to tell them anything when you have no concrete plan because they look to us for answers that we just might not have. I'm sorry you feel like you deceived them. IMO, you were just trying to give them balance and protect them until you had a better way to answer the questions they will have.
So tell me, how much of these changes were for you and how many of them were to try to save the M? It is said all the time but bears repeating, if the changes are not real, they will know. How do they know? Because we can't fully live them if they aren't real.
Trapt said it best "You have been here long enough to know better than this. Are you forgetting that he is in a crisis?"
(((hugs))))
I am going to try to post a piece of an email that I received the other day from someone who experienced an MLC. Maybe it will help.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I hoped DBing-specifically the Last resort Technique would help H try to work on our M. Instead it made him angrier.
It is much easier to become angry and place blame as opposed to looking inward. He is not ready to do this yet. Denial plays such a huge role in this. In his mixed up mind, this is the answer. You know better, there is no external fix for an internal problem. Many of them will have to follow through and make the mistake before they will see this.
Quote:
I hoped that a miracle would happen but I was wrong there too.
Does this miracle have an expiration date? How do you know you are wrong? This is not on our timeline. This is a LONG process that we do not have control over. If this miracle were to come after everything has ended would it make it any less of one.
Quote:
I feel in putting on the brave face, the make up, the smile, I`ve deceived my kids. They know there`s something wrong but cannot put a finger on it. So no words for the fears in their minds. I encourage them to be open and honest and to communicate yet I have done little of that with them regarding the breakdown of our marriage. That feels like a massive betrayal to the three people I hold closest to my heart in this world.
No no no. What other option do you have? Putting your pain on display for your children to see day after day?
Showing your children stregnth and shielding them from the pain is not deceiving them. Yes you need to be open and honest with them if they know something is wrong, but you must take into consideration their age and do your best to explain things to them accordingly.
Everyone who posts here that has children knows how you feel. This is not easy by any means. If you continue to focus on the pain instead of healthy ways to deal with it, you will become angry and bitter.
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Yes, its bootstrap time.Mediation is next Tuesday week. H is gone to his mothers and will be back tonight. I`m going to change tactics now on how I deal with him. Lots more 180s.More mystery, less communication,no smiling. I`ll have made changes to the house by the time he`s back-moved around furniture etc. Showing him I`m moving on with my life. Sorting out practicalities for next week`s mediation appt.
Any more suggestions?
You can do this. There is a balance to moving forward while keeping that door cracked open for your H.
Showing your children stregnth and shielding them from the pain is not deceiving them. Yes you need to be open and honest with them if they know something is wrong, but you must take into consideration their age and do your best to explain things to them accordingly.
Everyone who posts here that has children knows how you feel. This is not easy by any means. If you continue to focus on the pain instead of healthy ways to deal with it, you will become angry and bitter.
Fallgirl,
I confide, via email, in a group of online friends who do not know H. This is something I wrote to them recently: "I...try, as I always have, to set the best example I can for my [children] about dealing with the uncertainties of life. That I am acutely aware of that responsibility has helped me through so many things...[including] my separation from their father. Motherhood is a powerful motivator."
Can you reset your thinking, and see what a wonderful example of strength and self-control and patience and resilience you are to your children? They are learning so much from watching you right now.
Keep going. Tomorrow will be better!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
You will help your children get through this. They will be okay. Not one of us here wanted this for our kids lives. Every one of us that has kids felt our heart break more for our kids than for ourselves. You are their advocate and protector through this. Put on the face and be strong, but also be honest with them about the changes in their lives. In an age appropiate way. Not placing blame or giving details, just honest about the changes in their lives. That is what I have found works the best.
And yes, I have let my son see my emotions a couple of times. We have cried together a couple of times. Everybody is human. But I try the vast majority of time to keep my strong brave face on. That's what we have to do to shield our kids. It's not "lying" it's showing them strength in the face of adversity. I recommend being honest when they ask u questions though b/c that will help ease their fears. Of course in a gentle age appropiate way.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
A few things I would like to comment on, these are just my thoughts, don't want to confuse you more.
Your IC
I thought you were going to be working on getting you to a good place with your separation with her for the next few weeks. If you are leaving feeling like crap, well thats not working. I saw a quote I liked saying something like when your marriage is in crisis, is your number one priorty to move it to a better place not to fix everything wrong between you. Your IC seems to want to fix everything wrong. And if she does not believe in MLC and you are posting here, then you are getting conflicting advice on how to solve your problem. Consistancy is needed with your methods. Where do you get more support, what makes you feel better and offers more solutions both for you and for trying to keep your marriage some sort of open? Oh, and just how many marriages has your IC actually fixed from crisis situation as opposed to facilitating a break up? I know we only get snippets from you about her, but she bugs me too.
H not caring about your marriage.
I know you know this, he is not able to right now. What little he is doing is the best he can do and it sucks. You are doing this for your kids too, use that motivation when your H does not work for motivation. Its fine to feel like crap, really. Don't fight it. Heres a song I have been listening to all week, somes up my mood!
And until you know what is happening with your marriage, I believe keeping the kids out of it is a good thing too.
Does MLC exist?
Err..maybe? But I sure believe in depression and MLC is just a subset of that. And I also believe my H has just had a major depressive episode, with both covert and overt depression. The rest is details, I can pull the data to prove or disprove but I do believe in depression for sure and that is good enough for me.
Is H worth hanging in there for?
Not even worth it for me to try to answer this until I see where him, me and us end up, if its enough for me. And I will just wait as long as I can to see if I can get there. And thats just the best that I can do at the end of the day.
You havn't finished your journey yet, it will get better and easier again, maybe harder too. Miracles can happen when you least expect them, just not happening right now today.
Mach's questions are very good ones. The answers are a little harder.
#1, hard because is the answer is no, then you have to look at yourself a bit differently. If yes, then you have to decide how YOU want to proceed based on that feeling.
#2-an even harder one and that is one that you may have to answer daily for a long time
#3-Well... I do believe in MLC. Depression drives it. It could probably be called something else but it is a real phase that some people experience in their lives. Personally I believe that the depression is accompianied by some very deep anger. That is in large part what I think makes it different from MLC.
Is H/W having one? Only each of us LBS can decide that. Not anyone else, a therapist, friend, family member. We have to decide, and the answer the other questions and step forward for ourselves.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I`m learning about true love through all of this. Boy do you all get what true love is about. Dropping all those petty things that make us squabble with each other and really feeling the divinity in all of us.
Your caring here. Your stopping by to pick me up. Your rooting from the sidelines yelling me on has just been so wonderful and made this road infinitely more bearable.
Yesterday I had time to beat my chest, cry to God and rant. I also braced myself for mediation by sorting the bagload of receipts I`ve been gathering for the past two months.
In doing that I came cross an old box of love letter from H. Yes, love letters. I read through what I could bear. Yes he loved me once. Even after we married when the kids were little. Its just that I`d forgotten...
I know I`m drawn to a part of him-tiny now-that`s pure and spiritual and gentle and kind. The higher self that`s hidden under layers of rubbish.
Yes, he is in crisis mode. I don`t mind what the label of it is. He always had a shadow of it in himself(don`t we all carry shadows?) He may need to leave me to heal though. We shall see.
I know I just can`t reach his pure part right now.
Mach, SR, you`re so right about the therapist. Her questions are not ones I need to be answering right now. I need to keep the well of calm right now, not have it unsettled. I realised yesterday that every time I`ve come from her lately its taken me a couple of days to settle. I don`t need to be like that with an angry H looming over me.
Trapt, ah yes,faith. For me meditation takes me to that zone where I can leave panic and fear behind. I just returned to my old self on Friday with fear panic and anger all swirling around in my head. Yes, I need to keep the biggest change I`ve made for me-keep the well of calm inside, hold on to the better me.
I worked hard yesterday-busied myself back to calmness. Got mediation prep done, post separation prep too! Looking to a life beyond H if that is what has to be.
But my happiest time was finding those letters of love.
Its there still.
I`m glad of that.
Soldier on.
Thanks dear friends!
Goals this week: keep meditating daily. Be quiet around H-I don`t want him thinking I really want meditation. Start a few more 180s.Drop therapy for a while.
