My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

D13 and I had a long chat this weekend, which she started about midnight and which I ended about 3 am. She saw me reading yet another relationship book and made a comment. I asked her why she thought I read books like that, and she said "because you're trying to figure out what you did wrong. Mom, you didn't do anything wrong, don't you know that?" She's about done with her dad--she feels like "less than a speck. an atom. an electron" to him. Jackass. He's trying to force a relationship on her with OW's daughters; she might actually like them but she won't be forced. She feels manipulated and used, but not loved. And Frank and OW's relationship is exactly as I would have predicted (but I did not--ever--discuss that with D13--she figured it out herself). He is "putty in her hands," according to D; being manipulated but he doesn't see it. Clare thinks "she's gonna dump him so hard" because "all he's there for is to help her with (her year-old grandson) and cleaning out the horse stalls." She predicts that once the daughter gets a job or goes to school so that she's more available to take care of her own son and help with the horse chores, OW will have no further use for Frank. Frank is a priss; mowing the lawn was a huge ordeal for him. Never saw him with callouses or dirt under his nails; never--in 15 years--saw him work hard enough to break a sweat. And he was the driving force in our relationship (in retrospect, because I probably was trying to earn his love/approval)--strong personality, high needs (of all kinds). For him to be mucking out horse stalls and being p*ssy-whipped is amazing--but not surprising, because that's how their relationship was before. This is, after all, a woman who demands a lot of sacrifice--first, his career as a priest, second, his family. D also says she feels like just his 4th child--he is very involved with the daughters (25 and 19) and especially the grandson--predictable; I think this is the son we almost--but couldn't--have. D says that he lives at the farm, stays at his apartment only when D's there--and it's a pigsty. (this from a kid who can't throw wrappers away or put clothes in the laundry!) He's got a stack of books about horses that he's reading (interesting--he never took the slightest interest in any of my interests!) And she's very hurt that he has a wallet-size photo of her on his dresser, but 8x10's of OW, each daughter, and the grandson. Ouch. We also talked about Frank potentially wanting to return once "he gets dumped, and I told her that while I wish I could fix things, I couldn't imagine ever trusting Frank enough to have a marriage with him ever again, and that if I did that after all we've been through before and since it would be a bad example for her of boundaries in relationships. She agreed that she couldn't trust him again either. Lots of discussion about what he's told her about our marriage--which she knows isn't true, and in fact is actually funny to her. At 3 am I insisted we go to sleep because we were both getting a bit wacky. I got the definite feeling that she's going to be okay. And until this point, I haven't been entirely sure about that.

This is a man with a master's degree in theology, extensive training and 10 years's experience as a hospital chaplain. One would think that that background alone would give him some skills to help his daughter cope with stuff--but he's so intensely self-absorbed (and this is really no different than before the A) that it continues to be all about him. Well, him and OW.