Magnificent

[mishka422]

Mom is doing better thanks. She is sleeping nearly constantly because both new meds they put her on make you drowsy, but at least she's not dizzy and nauseous.

I've been working on the letter. I was up until 3am Saturday night/Sunday morning trying to write it but just ended up crying until I was hiccupping. That was horrible. I haven't done that in quite a while.

I did spill a lot of the anger into it. I also put in writing several of the incidents early in our M that made me distrust him. I'm pretty convinced that this was most likely not the first PA he had and I know for a fact it's not the first EA as I had caught him in one a couple of years before the bomb. You know, all in all, he was real piece of work.

Why the heck did I put up with his nonsense for all those years? I wasted my life turning myself into a pretzel for a man who could never be pleased. I know why I did and it makes me even more pathetic than I care to think about. I was scared to be alone for the rest of my life and I was relatively sure that was going to be the case so I jumped at an opportunity. Sad to say, but true. That doesn't mean I didn't love Gabe, because I did. We don't always love the people that are good for us though, do we? So, now I get to experience the being alone without benefit of the freedom that would have afforded me.

I feel awful saying it, but it's the truth.....some days I don't want to be a mom anymore. I'm overwhelmed most of the time. Asperger's is not easy to deal with when you have a partner that is supportive, let alone when you're a single parent. I wouldn't trade Marc for anything or anyone in the world, I just need a BIG break!

Enough bi!ching for today I guess. Back to smiling and faking it. People call me bubbly.....little do they know that I'm actually teetering on the edge of hysterics!